Hoppy Weedster

So Easter and 4:20 fell on the same day this year.

Awesome?

NO.

I was so excited when I first saw that 4/20 (April 20th, or the official pothead holiday for the uninitiated) fell on a weekend. I always, ALWAYS take the day off work because, well, I can't really get my shit done when I'm assembling a gravity bong at my desk. So I was thrilled that I was going to avoid using PTO this year.

It wasn't until a week or so ago that I realized it was ALSO Easter. Fuck! My family is down with smoking (I actually buy from my aunt…awkward but I know she won't rip me off ha) but my girlfriend's family is very conservative. We convinced them to have Easter on the 19th so we wouldn't have to cut into our high times, so that was good.

But Sunday morning, after we had a great Wake N Bake and then opened up the Easter baskets we made for each other, the true implications of Weedster started to sink in. Namely: I would be stoned around MASS quantities of food ALL DAY.

If I wasn't on Weight Watchers, this would have been an awesome day.

On Weight Watchers, it became 24 hours of torture.

I mean, I was high and hungry at midnight. And then at 4:20am. And then when we woke up smoking at like 9am. And then again over and over all freakin day.

I was responsible for desserts at my parents' Easter gathering, so I made "Dirty Turtles" to share, which is just melted Hershey bars poured into my turtle molds with a bunch of very finely ground pot (almost a powder, thanks to my electric coffee grinder used solely for weed edibles) and topped with ground walnuts to distract from any pot crunchies. My family loved them, but I may have loved them a little TOO much because I definitely ate 5 of them. Whoops.

Then I got my Easter basket from my mom. Yes, I am 32 and get two Easter baskets still. It's awesome.

But even though my mom tried to be supportive by adding apples and oranges to my basket, I dug those out and went straight for the Snickers, Cadbury Cream Eggs, jelly beans, and all the other sugar packed in there.

THEN I gorged myself at dinner. I mean, like, I think I sprained my wrist with the weight of the mac-n-cheese casserole serving I gave myself. Plus candied yams, green bean casserole (with tons of extra cheese), yeast rolls, mashed potatoes, corn, broccoli cheese casserole, banana pudding, chocolate eclair cake, salted caramel chocolate pie…it was seriously a smorgasbord orgasbord. It was bad. I tried to count the points but I know I missed some stuff, and I still went over my points by at least 20 this week.

The silver lining is this: when I left my parents' house, my girlfriend and I drove out to a state park and had a completely amazing 4 mile hike. It was super strenuous--like, we climbed UP a waterfall, we had to climb ladders, we lost count after climbing more than 200 stairs…it was so hard but totally worth it. Plus, we got to get high down in the bottoms of canyons and crevices, so that rocked.

As ashamed as I was about eating so much for Easter (even worse than usual, thanks to having major munchies ALL DAY), I was really proud of myself for hiking afterward. I know I still gained weight, but at least I got a head start in working it off. I even earned 14 Activity Points to make up for some of the Points I went over.

It was a pretty good Weedster after all.

A this Easter vs. me last Easter. (Note: My lumpier-than-usual stomach is due in part of my ultra-hip fanny pack…totally worth it.) And I had already lost quite a bit of weight before last Easter. I’d hate to see myself Easter 2012…

Literally Always Hungry

I am never not hungry.

I can eat a full and balanced and even hearty meal, lean back complaining how stuffed I am, and then literally begin thinking about dessert while still swallowing my last bite of food.

I know I've talked about this before but I guess I just wanted to confirm that nothing's changed. I haven't lost weight and suddenly, magically stopped thinking about food every second of the day. I've lost weight in spite of constantly obsessing about eating, but it hasn't gotten easier.

I do what I'm supposed to. I drink enough water to be certain it's not dehydration. I make sure I eat enough protein and fiber to keep me full. I eat good sized portions, I do the whole stop-rest-assess Weight Watchers thing to avoid over-stuffing myself while making sure I'm actually full, and I try my best to stay somewhat busy and keep my mind off food. Somehow, though, I still have food on the brain 24/7.

There's this dumb Buzzfeed quiz, Should You Have A Snack? It's more of a joke quiz, but I've been trying to make myself take it when I start thinking about dessert while chewing the last of my meal. The sole question is, "When did you last eat?" The first option is "10 minutes ago" (although it's usually only been like 2 minutes since I ate when I take the stupid quiz) and it answers, "In a little while." Which is a really nice way of saying, "You seriously JUST ATE, you fat fucking idiot, don't stuff your face when supper isn't even down your esophagus!"

Even when I take the quiz and know I shouldn't eat, I find myself craving something sweet the second I'm done eating. I think about food while I'm still consuming other food. I plan my meals for the next day (and usually pre-track) so I have something to look forward to and so I can go to bed happy.

Right now I'm stoked for work tomorrow because I have awesome roasted veggie and black bean burger leftovers waiting in the fridge. Then I have zucchini feta galette planned for supper...yum. And tomorrow morning when I'm struggling to find a reason to get out of bed (I've been open about my issues with depression and some days it really doesn't seem worth it to even wake up), I'll remind myself of the delicious lunch and supper ahead and I'll force myself up.

I think about food all during work. I can't concentrate when there are cookies or cupcakes nearby. When I think about my vacations, I find myself remembering the meals. If someone is passing out candy, I almost pass out from the anticipation waiting to see if I'll get any and, if so, what. I look forward to holidays primarily for the food.

So when people comment on my weight and ask me how I've done it or if it's been easy or what my secret is, I laugh and say, "Well, I am literally always hungry.' I say it as though I'm joking, but I'm dead serious. I'm hungry right this minute. A year and a half of hunger and deprivation could be torture and maybe it'll eventually send me over the edge, but for now it's worth it.

Why?

Because I'm enjoying life. Because I'm coming more alive with every tulip that pushes up in my garden. Because I'm going to wear tank tops and shorts without feeling like an elephant on parade (Disney reference!). And because today, it was nice out so we took a ride in the convertible with the top down and I didn't feel self conscious, then we went to the park and flew kites which required running through a field and I didn't feel like a hippo lumbering through the grass, then I played at the playground with my nephew without worrying I'd crush the equipment, and now I'm going to bed happy and slightly hungry but good-tired. I'll wake up hungry and probably sore, but I'll take that any day over the life I was living at 300 pounds.

Yeah, I'm hungry ALL the time. But you know what? I don't feel fat all the time, and that makes all the difference to me.

Over It.

I'm done.

Over it.

I've been on Weight Watchers since August 2012 and I can't handle being on a diet anymore. I'm tired of turning down snacks. I'm tired of driving past Dairy Queen without ordering a Blizzard. I'm tired of feeling tortured every time someone orders food or asks me to go to lunch.

So I'm quitting. I'm going back to eating what I want. I don't care if I gain it all back. I'd rather be fat and happy than less-fat and hungry. Today is the beginning of a new life where I eat what I want without feeling guilty.

Today is also the first day of April.

So, psych! April Fool's, suckers!

Although I am tired of passing up delicious food, there's just no way that I'd be happy back over 300 pounds. Not a fucking chance. Now that I know what it feels like to be able to move, to not always be the fattest one in the room, to shop at normal sized stores and not have people stare...I'm not giving that up easily.

For me, Weight Watchers isn't a diet. I do have to limit what I eat and make smarter decisions, but it's not a diet. It is, as they say, a lifestyle change. I don't feel like I'm dieting because I can eat anything I want. Just not as much as I want, and I have to make adjustments elsewhere if I know I want something super unhealthy. I need to have a smaller lunch, or earn some Activity Points.

The reality is that I'm a major overeater and if I were allowed to eat whatever I wanted, I think it would take less than 6 months to regain the 95 pounds I've lost. I have no self control and Weight Watchers helps me manage or budget my food. I already pre-tracked for today so I know if someone shows up with cupcakes or candy, I can asses if it's worth using my extra Points. If I wasn't on Weight Watchers, I would probably convince myself that waking yesterday made up for anything I ate today, and I'd end up having two cupcakes. My mental food math is full of lies, where Weight Watchers is full of harsh reality.

So no, I'm not quitting. It would be nice to go off the rails and pig out, but the consequences are too great. I'm not willing to let go of this healthy version of myself. Yesterday my dad called because he was downtown with my nephew so I left work, power walked a mile, and met up with them. We hung out and then I walked them the mile back to my work to give them a tour (including the fire pole, which my dad had to try...I've worked there 6 years and I'm still too chicken to try). The unexpected chance to spend time with my nephew was totally awesome, and I 100% wouldn't have been able to do that a year ago. My smaller size made that possible. Heart surgery made that possible. Weight Watchers made that possible.

Sure, I'm a little discouraged right now because I've been active and I'm still not losing weight at the moment. I'm actually still the same weight I was in October. That's depressing but it's my own fault--I've been going over my Points and I'm paying the price for that. It doesn't mean I'm going to quit. I just need to focus, get myself back under control, and remember that being this size makes my life a lot better than being 300 pounds.

But now cupcakes sound really good...

Spring Forward

It's been another long week of wintry weather.

I can hardly bear it.

It's been dreary and rainy, but I suppose I should be grateful it's rain and not snow. It still sucks.

Today we're heading out to the park. It's supposed to be in the mid-50s which sounds like a heatwave after this hard winter. We're even bringing the dogs to let them get out into the sunshine, despite the recent rains which I'm sure turned our trails into muddy Slip-n-Slides.

I'm looking forward to earning some Activity Points to make up for Friday's Italian restaurant pesto and mozzarella ravioli gorge-fest. And there are tiny tips of plants and flowers starting to emerge from the mud so, even though the weather sucks, I do know that spring really must be coming eventually.

I've been spending time at the cemetery a lot because it's so peaceful and the paved roads make it easy to walk even when it's muddy, and we go walking anytime the sun is out and it's at least 50 degrees. It's still not really springy, but I know we're getting closer. And closer to spring means closer to summer, my favorite season.

One thing (of the many millions) that's making me eager for warm weather is the garden club I joined at work. On Friday I went to the first meeting and now I'm so pumped. We have a big raised-bed garden at work, and for $25 you pitch in with planting, weeding, and watering, and in return you get ALL THE VEGETABLES YOU WANT!!! Amazing, no?!

We're planting all kinds of awesome stuff. Potatoes, corn, lettuce, carrots, eggplant, zucchini, bell peppers, hot peppers, cucumbers, berries, tomatoes, herbs, kale, squash, gourds, a ton more I can't remember, and maybe even grapes. I can't wait to be able to fill a basket with delicious, fresh, pesticide-free veggies...and I'm also looking forward to having an excuse to go out to the garden and spend a few minutes in the sunshine every day at work. Exciting!

I always wanted to join the Garden Club before, but I knew with my bad heart that I couldn't commit, and I didn't want my plants to die because I was unable to walk out there. Now that my heart is strong and good, I know I'll be able to help out and I will literally reap the benefits (terrible pun, shame on me).

We're planting the garden the first weekend after Mother's Day, and I can't wait. Summer can't get here fast enough.

Until then, at least I have the park to enjoy.

Playtime

It feels so good to be able to play again.

I mean, really play.

To chase after my dogs and dash around the yard with their toys. To burst into activity and wind up giggling and flushed and breathless. To race my nephew to the playground at the drive-in without being embarrassed that everyone will be watching the fat girl flounder.

These are things I've missed without even realizing it. As my world begins its slow thaw after a desperately long and hard winter, I'm getting out more and testing the limits of my new heart valve.

On Friday after work, the temperature actually reached 60 so we took the convertible (with the top down!) to the park and hiked around places that I've only ever seen from inside a car. We hiked for 4 miles, passed through a bird sanctuary where the songs of dozens of species joined together in a rich cacophony, walked around the rim of a still-frozen lake where the ice was so thin you could see water rippling below the surface, and at one point broke through the trees to find an unexpected merry-go-round rusting at the edge of a picnic area.

I had thought merry-go-rounds were banned from playgrounds years ago, so I was excited enough to see it that I didn't care who saw ME. I sprinted to the contraption, threw myself in the middle, and held on as my girlfriend grabbed the bars and started spinning. A year or so ago, this wouldn't have happened. First, I wouldn't have even seen the merry-go-round because there's no way I would have been hiking. With 95 extra pounds and a heart valve that was almost completely grown shut, I wouldn't have even been at the park. I would have been home on the couch, enjoying the warmer weather through the window. And if I somehow was near a merry-go-round, there's just no way I would have gotten on. I would have been afraid of breaking it, afraid my girlfriend would be unable to spin it because of my size, and terrified that people would see me and whisper among themselves at the spectacle the fat girl was making of herself.

Being able to run to the playground and play without fear or shame was an experience I really can't describe to most people because they wouldn't understand. I felt joy. That's hard to put into words, but I felt free and happy and normal.

Normal.

Amazing.

My Grandfather Hates Fat People

We buried my grandfather today. He was 87.

I love that man so much.

To me, he is the quintessential 1950s black-and-white tv blue collar family man. He could be a character in so many mid-20th century shows. The gruff but caring, hard-working, decent and kind and disciplined and stubborn and loving man with strong moral fiber and a dogged work ethic. Clean shaven with a crisp white t-shirt and shined shoes, a pocket knife always handy, two fingers missing from the knuckle after a run-in with an automatic saw several decades ago.

Papaw had a great love of Westerns, Johnny Cash, and traveling, and possessed a wealth of colorful stories involving guarding German prisoners of war following WWII. He married the love of his life, worked hard, and provided an idyllic childhood to my father and aunt and uncle.

At the funeral today they gave him a really touching military burial, complete with the guns and Taps and the flag folding and everything else that made me weep. I was also so proud, and incredibly impressed by the number of loved ones who came from all across the country to mourn his death and celebrate his life. The minister mentioned the size of the crowd and noted that even the staff at the hospital had fallen in love with him.

As surly and gruff as he could be, people genuinely and deeply cared about him. I know I loved him so, so much. Even old neighbors who lived on his street half a century ago came to express their love for him.

So many people liked him. He liked all of them back.

But Papaw did NOT like fat people.

He hated fat people and didn't mind saying so. Sure, some of us were privileged to have him like us enough to somewhat overlook our size, but for the most part he held fat people in serious contempt. He had a look that he'd give fat people, a look of disgust and accusation. He didn't like to sit next to fat people. When he ended up in the hospital last month, he would point out the fattest nurses and say, loudly enough for them all to hear, "There's lots of big nurses. I don't know why they're so big. Nurses shouldn't be so fat. Some are alright but they shouldn't take care of other people if they can't take care of themselves…"

The unfortunate problem is the the vast majority of my family is overweight. Like, basically everyone. So I don't know about them, but I'm always acutely conscious of my size around my grandfather. His disgust with fat people rivals my dad's, and that's pretty potent stuff.

Still, I feel grateful that he did get to see me making progress. He was impressed with how much weight I've lost, and winning his approval felt almost as triumphant as winning my father's. 

I'm not religious and I don't know what I believe, but I do know that it's comforting to think that he's up in heaven right now, reunited with my grandmother and my uncle and great aunts and everyone else.

And if heaven does exist, and Papaw is up there watching, I truly hope I continue to make him proud by becoming a less fat person.

100 Mile March…Or My Own Version

My workplace is always trying to be healthier (we have a great fitness center and trainer, free Weight Watchers,  quarterly gift cards for healthy habits, only diet sodas in the vending machines, etc.). It's pretty awesome actually. So this year they're promoting the 100 Mile March again. The idea is just to commit to walking 100 miles over the course of the month of March.

Last year, since I had lost a good amount of weight (like 55 pounds) by March and I felt pretty good, I decided to try it.

It was a dismal failure.

I walked every day for the first week. Seven days. My total distance walked? 1.5 miles. That's over a period of seven days COMBINED.

I was so disappointed.

I really did try, but I could only walk two minutes at a time before having an asthma attack and feeling like I was going to vomit.

I had no idea at the time that I was actually suffering from severe cardiac asthma and that my heart valve had grown shut and I was basically a walking heart failure bomb. I didn't find that out until June, and then had heart surgery in August to fix it. But in March, all I knew was that I sucked. That I couldn't even walk, even after losing so much weight.

It was seriously depressing.

So this year, to ramp up slowly and avoid such devastating failure, I'm making my own March. I'm doing a 30 Mile March.

30 Mile March?

Totally doable.

It's the 13th and I've logged right around 12 miles, so I'm perfectly on track. Between my Jawbone UP and my Map My Workout app, I'm doing a good job of getting extra steps in, along with taking short but trackable walks, like trekking a couple blocks with my employees for lunch, or walking around a cemetery while I wait for my girlfriend to get off work.

Even though the weather still sucks, we managed to take a great hike every day Friday through Monday last weekend. Sure, the trails were basically bogs and we had to slog and slide through six inches or more of mud in some places, but it was awesome to be outside DOING something.

I can't recall ever being in the woods before spring or summer. It's been cool to see the green moss peeking out from beneath the melting snow, and to see the trails without the curtains of leaves. The woods feel so open and bare without leaves. I kind of like it.

So I may not be confident enough for a 100 Mile March yet, but I'll do 30 miles. I'm ready for that at least. And I walked farther the first day this year than I did the entire first week last year.

That's progress!

GTFO Winter!

I can feel it in my bones.

Spring is coming.

It's about fucking time.

Of course, I'm still bracing for another Polar Vortex to come through and freeze us all just as we're beginning to thaw.

But I can see grass! The snow is melting, the birds are chirping, I didn't wear a coat yesterday! It was actually only 40 degrees, but it's all relative. After this winter, that feels downright tropical.

And with the spring, I feel my motivation slowly coming out of hibernation. I've been aching to be outside, and tonight it's supposed to get up to the mid-50s so my girlfriend and I made plans to take a couple hour hike at the park, followed by dinner out. That sounds so magical right now.

I gained again at Weight Watchers (2.8 lbs, which puts me back at 214.8). I expected it but it still pissed me off. I was grumbling about it before all the people getting re-dressed around me (following the weekly weigh-in-public-stripping) joined a chorus of "I gained too..."

Then I didn't feel so alone and defeated. I realized that this winter has been like a huge hurdle to everyone trying to lose weight. It's so hard to eat less when every single biological instinct is screaming, "Eat more! Fatten up or you'll freeze!" Seriously, half of America has basically been hibernating for the past four or five months. We've practically turned in to bears. It's fucking nature, right? We've been forced inside, in the dark. We all hurry to our cars after work, then shuffle inside as fast as we can while wearing snow boots and puffy coats. No one has shown any skin for ages. We've been bundled up in sweaters and arm warmers. We're filling ourselves with warm food, and sleeping in on the weekends because there's nothing left to watch on Netflix except the "Random Picks".

**Side bar: that's not entirely true. Netflix Streaming is a bottomless pit of potentially wasted time. But one thing I'm so glad I found was "The Best Worst Movie" and, by extension, Troll 2. How did I not know about this before?! I just watched both for the first time on Monday and now I can't stop watching Troll 2. It's so fucking awesome. Totally my kind of movie. I've seriously watched it 10 times already this week. It's like when I first watched "An Idiot Abroad" last month and then spent the rest of the month obsessively searching for Karl Pilkington YouTube clips. The man is incredible. Anyway...if you needed an idea of something to watch, you're welcome!**

So we've all been trying to push a boulder up a hill all winter, and the sudden sunshine and growing warmth means we're close to the top of the hill already. Or maybe we've rolled back to the bottom? Either way, we can stop pushing soon. Spring is coming. We can breathe again.

I'm really looking forward to seeing what I can achieve once the obstacle that is winter is finally out of my way.

Come on, spring! We're ready for you!

Fat and Depressed

I've thought about killing myself more times than I can count.

I never thought I'd make it this long. I sometimes stop, stunned, realizing that I'm actually 32 years old and still alive.

When I was in middle school, I was sure I'd kill myself before I turned 16. In high school, I was sure I wouldn't live to be 18. In college, I didn't expect to make it to 20. Then it was 25. Then 27, the age that we lose so many of our artists. Then 30. Now I'm 32, and thoughts of suicide come less frequently than ever.

Sure, I still have bad days when I convince myself that there's no way things will get easier, and I make it through by telling myself, "If tomorrow sucks as bad as today, just kill yourself." Or, "If you gain weight again next week, just kill yourself." But I don't do it. Either tomorrow is better, or I think of how much pain it would cause and I talk myself into waiting.

Depression is a serious problem for overweight individuals. Having been a fat kid, I know how worthless and out of control you can feel. Depression and suicide are also major issues in the gay community. Having spent high school in the closet, I know how hopeless the future can seem when you think your parents and society will reject you just for being yourself. 

The first time I thought about suicide, though, had nothing to do with my weight or my sexuality. I was seven years old and my mother had just been diagnosed with lupus. I was told she would die before I graduated, and I made up my mind to kill myself as soon as she died. Then I decided to kill myself before she died, to save myself the heartache. Then I just began thinking about it all the time, and suicide became the easy solution for any problem in my life.

My mom is still alive and, somehow, so am I. I still suffer from depression and this winter is making me feel even sadder than usual. It's been never-ending cold and gray and gross, and spending so much time indoors is driving me crazy. But for the first time in many years, I have things to look forward to. Since my heart surgery, I feel so much more active--I'm looking forward to spring walks and summer hikes, to canoeing and camping, to being outside, a part of the world. It's exciting, and even when I have my worst days, when I've gained weight or had to spend my tax return money on another fucking root canal, I have found myself thinking, "Spring is right around the corner" instead of "You can kill yourself tomorrow." It's a nice feeling.

The depression that's plagued me my entire life still makes itself known several times a day, and I'm prone to bouts of crying in the car. I have a lot to be sad about. I feel alone after the death of my best friend, I feel isolated because my girlfriend and I don't hang out with other people as much as we used to after all of our friends started breeding, I still really miss my dog who died a few years ago and get hit with waves of grief whenever I see rottweiler pictures or sad animal stuff which is more often than you would think, my weight loss is getting harder and harder, I still have major intimacy issues that have been the only dark cloud in my relationship over the past eight years, I feel overwhelmed by my job at times in a way that my Xanax can't help, I'm constantly worried in the back of my mind about my heart valve closing up again and almost killing me, I'm sad for my family and friends who have died in greater numbers than most people I know, I'm sad for my family and friends who are sick and getting sicker, I am extremely sensitive and find myself crying during songs on the radio or sad movies or stupid commercials...but the point is that it's getting better. 

When I get sad I cry and feel sorry for myself for awhile, but I've learned to pull myself through to the other side a little better. My sadness doesn't last as long, and I feel just a glimmer of hope knowing that I've made it through worse than this.

One particularly poignant song is Dar Williams' "After All," which I think is a painfully accurate portrayal both of thoughts of suicide and of the moment when you begin to feel hope. This website explains the lyrics really well. Here's the song:

Dar Williams, After All

 Go ahead, push your luck
Find out how much love the world can hold
Once upon a time I had control
And reined my soul in tight

Well the whole truth
It’s like the story of a wave unfurled
But I held the evil of the world
So I stopped the tide
Froze it up from inside

And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring bound

And when I chose to live
There was no joy
It’s just a line I crossed
I wasn’t worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found

And if I was to sleep
I knew my family had more truth to tell
So I traveled down a whispering well
To know myself through them

Growing up, my mom had a room full of books
And hid away in there
Her father raging down a spiral stair
‘Til he found someone
Most days his son

And sometimes I think
My father, too, was a refugee
I know they tried to keep their pain from me
They could not see what it was for

But now I’m sleeping fine
Sometimes the truth is like a second chance
I am the daughter of a great romance
And they are the children of the war

Well the sun rose
With so many colors, it nearly broke my heart
It worked me over like a work of art
And I was part of all that

So go ahead, push your luck
Say what it is you gotta say to me
We will push on into that mystery
And it’ll push right back
And there are worse things than that

Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It’s better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

‘Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets into who you thought you’d be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all

Even though I'm still stopped in my tracks by depression every now and then, I feel like things are looking up. I'm healthy and happy, I love my family and my dogs, I have a great job and a pretty awesome life. Dar Williams still makes me cry, but now for the first time I understand how she feels when she sings, "I think life chose me after all."

...

Planning For Weight Loss

I am pretty anal about some things. Okay, most things. I'm a perfectionist and I love being organized (even though I'm also a complete mess...I like to think of it as organized chaos, where others probably just see the chaos. I blame it on being a left handed Pisces.).

My obsessive planning has driven me crazy my whole life, but it's actually been extraordinarily helpful in sticking with Weight Watchers. I would never have lost 90 pounds without carefully pre-tracking before I eat and, perhaps more importantly, planning my meals well in advance.

I thought I'd share the planning method that's worked for me. I spent the last few days in a cabin for my birthday (and I hit 100% of my daily goal for my Jawbone UP each day!) and it made me realize how incredibly difficult Weight Watchers would be if I wasn't able to cook my own meals every day. The same meals I make at home are two or three times more Points at a restaurant.  I'm already over my Points for the week, and that's including the Activity Points for four hours of hiking, two hours of horseback riding, and three hours of walking through cave tours, and it's because I ate out each day. Even though I made good choices, it was impossible for me to stay under my Points.

Normal weeks are infinitely easier for me. I'm hoping that maybe my method will be helpful for someone who's  struggling because they're eating out too often for the sake of convenience. By planning ahead, I find it just as easy to throw together a meal at home than to order or pick up food from out, which is probably the only way I've been able to stick to this.

So I've mentioned my weekly food delivery service before. I cannot overstate the impact this has had on my life. Please, seriously, see if you have a local food delivery service. It will change your diet completely.

I get an email on Thursday telling me what food I'll receive the following Friday. I can edit my bin through Monday, and then I get another email on Tuesday confirming what I'll get on Friday. So usually by Sunday each week, I know exactly what produce I'll get, so I can plan my meals around it. If eggplant is in season and available in the bin, I'll make some baked eggplant parmesan. If cauliflower is coming, I'll make some curried cauliflower couscous. I also get vegetable stock each week in my bin as an add-on item, and every Thursday I make a big soup by just boiling all of the leftover veggies (and maybe a can of tomatoes or some beans) in the veggie stock. That way, my drawers are empty for Friday's delivery.

I keep two lists on my phone: a grocery list and a meal list. I use both Evernote and Out Of Milk, two free applications, and I have a joint login with my girlfriend. As soon as I update my bin for the following week, I make a list of what meals we're having based on the produce that's in season, and then I make a grocery list based on what we'll need for those meals. She can access the lists on her phone, and checks items off as she shops.

This process has dramatically cut down on our grocery bills because my girlfriend then has a week to cut out coupons for the items we'll need, and she doesn't grab stuff that we might need, she only grabs stuff that we actually need. 

More importantly, though, it's given me a good way to avoid that terrible moment of "Ugh, work sucked, I don't know what to cook...let's order a pizza instead." We usually don't eat fast food, so planning ahead has really helped make dinner prep easier without resorting to getting food from out to save time and energy.

Some of my favorite meals that always make the lineup at least once a month: black bean avocado rollups, zucchini feta galette, cheesy potato casserole with cornbread pepper casserole (made with tons of veggies, applesauce in the cornbread, and broccoli cheese soup in the potato casserole), black bean tacos with nachos, curried cauliflower couscous, baked eggplant parmesan with angel hair pasta, veggie bread pudding (with Kroger biscuits cut up, covered with veggies and some eggs and cheese), black bean burgers with baked potato wedges, chili with leftover cornbread pepper casserole, cheesy quinoa with peppers, Greek wraps with baked saganaki (which is just parmesan sliced really thin, baked with some olive oil, and then spritzed with Bacardi 101, lit on fire, and spritzed with lemon juice), spanikopita with Greek potatoes, roasted cauliflower with fried corn and salad, pizza casserole, angel hair spaghetti pies with veggies (baked in muffin tins), tofu bacon broccoli feta rolls, lentil loaf with mashed cauliflower, and all kinds of soup...bean soup, vegetable stew, chili, butternut squash soup, cheesy soup, spicy soup, all kinds of soup.  

Without planning ahead, there is absolutely no way that I would have lost 90 pounds. I would have resorted to the easy path and I'd still be eating Olive Garden and frozen pizzas most nights. Now, I discovered a love of cauliflower (something I always loathed) and the food delivery also keeps me completely stocked up on fruit, which I can eat all the time without using any Points. 

Anyway, if you don't use a food delivery service yet, I HIGHLY recommend it. If you have a year-round farmers market close by that you can visit weekly, good for you. I just don't have the time or the access, and I love getting a delivery each week with all of the key ingredients to my meals for the week.

I definitely missed it while on vacation, and I know that eating out all weekend will make a difference when I step on the scale tomorrow!