OVERWEIGHT and SO happy about it!

I am OVERWEIGHT! For the first time in my LIFE! And I am absolutely fucking ecstatic about.

Lemme explain. Remember those stupid fucking BMI charts from health class or the doctor's office? The charts that look at your age, sex, and height only and assign you to a "healthy" weight range based upon these extremely limited variables? No accounting for muscles, for curves, for ethnicity, for irregular body shapes...just a totally cut-and-dry chart. I know calculating your BMI in front of your entire class is a horror shared across the country by chubby boys and girls, who decades later can feel the peculiar texture of classroom chalk held in clammy hands and who can remember being cruelly but undeniably classified as "obese". Well, with a few years and determination, I made it from Obese all the way to Morbidly Obese (a classification that didn't exist back in the day...a little sad that America needed to Supersize the BMI table).

A size LARGE dress
from the thrift store!
And sexy shoes too!

Now, for the first time in my adult life, I am Overweight! Goodbye, Obese! Hello, Overweight! I never ever thought I'd be so thrilled to be called overweight, but if it means that I'm no longer obese, I'll take it!

The gastric sleeve surgery really did wonders for my body. Surgery was 7/11/16 and I went from a highest weight of 317 (closer to 280 at the time of the surgery) to my current 191 pounds. Yep, I'm UNDER 200 pounds! Nerds People on the gastric sleeve message board call it "One-derland" which sounds ridiculously stupid yet I definitely feel a bit like Alice, shrinking in a body I don't fully recognize. It's awesome and I'm not complaining, but it is a strange feeling.

I also lost my job last November as part of a massive lay-off. I'd been there 9 1/2 years and now I REALLY have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have a great boyfriend who works from home (my home) so I have been actively avoiding returning to the real world. I blew my severance, cashed in my 401k and blew through that too (although I did take an incredible solo cruise to Mexico) and the suddenly realized I was TOTALLY FUCKED. I was just spending money like crazy, buying all kinds of ridiculous stuff on Amazon now that I can wear "normal" sizes, and then it seemed like I blinked and every penny was gone.

Now I'm desperately selling off my collections through eBay and Etsy (check out the shops! Adding more stuff every day!). I also set up a locked display case at a local flea market, hoping to sell some of the stuff that's more expensive to ship. One of my friends actually went in today and bought my vinyl album, "Harmonicats" :D Hey, $20 is $20! I tried filing my taxes but it turns out that I screwed myself even more royally by cashing out my 401k—even though they took taxes out, apparently it wasn't enough. So I can't count on a tax return this year. My roof if leaking, I just got a letter from the city that I need to connect my water to the city main and disconnect my sewer by April 12th, and EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of my bills if past due.

So I'm hoping eBay/Etsy/my flea market shop will help, plus I filed for unemployment (which I should have done MONTHS ago when I was fired) and am just waiting on that debit card. I cashed in all of my stock from the company I worked for (seriously, fuck them.) and that check should be in the mail. Also, I'm donating plasma. It's kinda horrible actually, and I had to stretch the truth a bit to meet the eligibility requirements, and each time I feel really drained and empty and exhausted and kinda like I want to cry. But the initial payments are so high ($50, then $60, back to $50, then $60, then $75 on your 5th draw of the first month) that it's gotta be worth it. After the introductory rates, they go down to $25 and $45 each week, and although I just had my 5th draw I am very aware that my immune system is crashing hard, so I somehow doubt this will be the Big Hustle that's gonna help me pay my bills. On the other hand, it's better than nothing.

And one other good thing about the plasma center, other than the money: they weigh me each time, and every time it's under 200 pounds I wanna take my shirt off and swing it around my head in victory :P Oooh, and here's something that'll mean something to my pudgy comrades: they actually said the beige blood pressure cuff was too big and used the blue one instead! I still can't believe how strange (but good, definitely good) it feels to be "Overweight". That just seems like such a far cry from "Obese". I mean, I bought size 12 Gap jeans. I wear 6" stilettos everywhere because my feet no longer hurt from putting so much weight on such small heels. I wore a bikini in public on the cruise ship—not a fat girl high-wasted bikini but a sexy-ass "suit" that consisted of long band of black material and small black bottoms. And dammit, I looked GOOD! I went kayaking and didn't have to worry about being too fat to row myself back to the beach. I've been hit on by more strangers lately than I ever have been in my life. I took 4 separate airplane flights and did not get a single panicked or disgusted look from the fellow passengers in my rows. I can sit with my feet tucked under me without losing circulation in my legs. I can rest my chin on my knee! How many of you guys thought that was just a myth? Like just a writing device or something that couldn't be physically possible? It IS possible. I am so much more flexible...and I can bend in ways during sex that I never dreamed of...

So yeah, being overweight has its perks. I have a long way to go before my weight is technically "Normal" according to the BMI calculator but, seriously, fuck the entire BMI system.

TL;DR: I'm totally legit broke but almost a normal sized human for the first time ever!

100 Posts, Not Quite 100 Pounds

I'm getting pretty fucking frustrated with myself right now. I KNOW I'm sabotaging myself, but somehow I just can't stop eating. It's like the story of my fucking life. I KNOW I'm getting fatter, but I can't stop.

So right now, instead of focusing on what I'm doing wrong, I thought I would take a moment to recognize a few things I've done right.

This is my 100th post on My Weird Luck, which is pretty weird in itself. When I first started back in 2012, I was high on my Weight Watchers success and I needed an outlet to share my successes and my failures.

I never expected to still be writing more than a year later, but I also truly didn't expect to still be losing weight. I mean, okay, I'm not exactly losing weight at the moment, but I'm still on the right road. It's better than it could be. I definitely didn't expect to still be on Weight Watchers. I figured that I would do what I always do...give up, give in, and keep eating. I figured I'd be back over 300 pounds, whining about my weight, wondering why I couldn't do anything.

I wanted to get my thoughts out there, but I didn't really expect anyone to listen. I'm glad some people relate, though. While I know a very small percentage of people actually comment, I do see that quite a number of you are looking. Hopefully reading. Maybe even finding a bit of yourself here.

The post that has gotten the most attention is my pilonidal cyst story, which is really fucking gross BUT I'm glad it's maybe spreading some info that's otherwise hard to get. I know how embarrassing it is, so it's nice to be able to help spare other people from some of the confusion I had.

Anyway, so here's a sort of rundown of where I am, versus where I've been.

I weighed in this morning at 215.4 pounds. That's a gain of 2 pounds since last week (as expected).

I've lost a total of 88.6 pounds, having started at 304 pounds in August of 2012.

When I started writing this blog, I had already lost 26.8 pounds, which brought me down to 277.2 from 304. Since I started writing, I've lost another 61.8 pounds. I also had heart surgery, which was pretty traumatic but also really awesome.

I had really, really, REALLY hoped to lose 100 pounds before I got to 100 posts. I also really wanted to lose 100 pounds before I turn 32 next week. That obviously isn't going to happen, but I'm turning 32 weighing close to 200 pounds instead of close to 300 pounds.

It could always be worse. Hopefully before I get to 200 posts, I'll FINALLY be under 200 pounds. Otherwise...I mean, I'll totally lose it. I'll lose the weight, or I'll lose my fucking mind! Ha!

Happy 100th post!

Weight Gain For No Reason

Sometimes I go to my weekly Weight Watchers weigh-in fully expecting to lose weight, only to find out after stepping on the scale that I've inexplicably gained.

This is one of those weeks.

It's frustrating because I did EVERYTHING "right". I stayed within my points, I was relatively active, I drank a ton of water and ate fruit and veggies every day.

So why did I gain?

Well, after sticking with Weight Watchers for well over a year, I have learned that sometimes, it just happens. Sometimes you do everything you're supposed to do and you still fail. Sometimes you eat exactly what you're supposed to eat and you still gain weight.

The good news is that I'm not giving up--not even close. I'm going to keep going, keep tracking, and hope for a better number next week.

The bad news is that I'm still at the same weight that I was before Thanksgiving. After gaining .4 pounds this week, I'm back up to 210.8. Two months of sticking to Weight Watchers has netted me a total GAIN of 1.6 pounds. Okay, I didn't really "stick" to Weight Watchers because I went over my points almost every week for those two months. But I did track everything, and I was active, and I did show more restraint around food than I ever did before. So here I am, 1/22/14, and I weigh 1.6 pounds more than I did on 11/20/13.

However, I weighed 279.6 pounds the week before Thanksgiving in 2012. So I weigh 68.8 pounds less than I did on 11/20/12.

That's something at least!

Back On Track

After several weeks of exceeding my Weight Watchers Points (like, by 50 Points! That's like just eating an entire pie, with toppings!) I finally managed to stay mostly within my allotment for the week. Okay, to be honest, I counted two hours of walking yesterday just so I wouldn't go over, even though my 'walking' was really taking an extremely slow shuffling tour of a Masonic temple with some elderly people, one of whom was wearing a prosthetic leg, so I probably shouldn't have counted this as exercise. But anyway, I stayed close to my Points and it paid off.

Down 3.2 pounds this week! That brings me to 208.8 pounds, down 95.2 from 304 pounds. Slowly but surely, right? I'm getting pretty close to losing 100 pounds, which is pretty awesome for me. Also, while I was at weigh-in, I saw someone who I haven't seen in a year or so and she was amazed at how much I've lost. It's so incredible to have people tell me how great I look! That's something you just don't hear much when you're over 300 pounds.

So even though I'm sitting here with a half-eaten plate of Christmas cookies on my desk, I still feel like I'm back on track. I'm trimming back, counting the Points of everything I eat, and trying to stick to my daily Weight Watchers goals. It's not easy with so much holiday cheer being passed around in the form of calorie-laden treats, but I'm getting much better at saying NO. "No, thanks! That looks great but I'm on Weight Watchers." It was embarrassing last year. Really, at close to 300 pounds (I was making some progress by Christmas last year) I felt like people were laughing at me when I said I was on a diet. I could almost hear them thinking "Sure, this bitch is dieting! I bet she steals cookies when our backs are turned and eats them in the bathroom." But now that I can see so much progress, I feel a little proud to tell people I'm sticking with Weight Watchers and passing on the treats.

I still eat what I want, but my Planned Indulgences list is working wonders for me. I still plan to splurge on some eggnog, one of those Hershey Kiss cookies, a Christmas Snickers when I get my stocking, and the full meal on Christmas Day. But knowing that I'm going to eat that delicious shit soon makes it SO much easier to say "No, thanks!" to the sugar cookies, chocolate covered pretzels, and candied nuts I see every day now.

I'm still hoping to lose a few more pounds before the end of the year, mostly because my work gives us gift cards if we work out enough or lose enough weight to earn one. I'm close but not quite there, and I could really use a $50 Target shopping spree!

As long as Christmas doesn't derail my Weight Watchers train, I should be down a few pounds by New Year's!

Keep On Keepin' On

I am now officially smaller than I have been in my entire adult life.

I weighed in at my Weight Watchers At Work meeting today and was down 5 pounds for the week...which brings me down to 209.2 pounds. UNDER 210 POUNDS!

Total lost? 94.8 pounds.

That's, like...unimaginable. I weighed 304 pounds last August. Now, I'm literally smaller than I was in high school. I'm sitting here in size 17 skinny jeans, knee high boots, and a size 14 vest. WHAT?!

I'm still having trouble feeling like I'm that much smaller, though. I mean, I feel amazing, but I think that's like 75% having a heart valve that actually works and 25% being smaller.

But it doesn't matter. I AM losing weight, and everyone around me is commenting on it, and it's awesome.

When I entered my new weight into my Weight Watchers app, it let me know that I actually hit the last goal I set. I've been resetting my goal by 10 or 15 pounds at a time because, seriously, having a goal of losing 100+ pounds at the beginning would have just overwhelmed me and I would have quit this shit a year ago. So my latest goal was 210 pounds, which was a big deal for me because I can't remember ever being under 210 pounds since middle school I think.

Forced to reset my goal, I went with around 10 pounds less than my current weight. I SET MY GOAL AT 199 POUNDS. That's just...I mean, you can't understand if you haven't been there, but that's just fucking mindblowing. Not only am I actually aiming for less than 200 pounds...but it's attainable! Like, within 10 pounds! I couldn't help the tears forming in my eyes. After spending basically a lifetime weighing more than 200 pounds (which is such a shameful, stigmatized thing for a woman), I am now within sight of 199 pounds.

Fucking incredible. 

Lighter But Not Smaller?

I've been trying to research this on the great wide web, but I'm falling short. There just isn't info out there that relates to what I'm going through.

See, I'm technically lighter right now than I've been my entire adult life. I weigh less than I did in high school and in college, and I'm losing weight week by week with Weight Watchers.

But I'm not SMALLER than I was in high school or college. At least, I don't think I am. I remember wearing a size 16 during the summer between high school and college comfortably, and now I can squeeze into size 16 jeans but they're definitely not as comfy as my size 18s. Like, I'm not complaining. The last jeans I bought were size 26 and I immediately tore out the tag, cut it into tiny pieces, wrapped it in toilet paper, and flushed it. I didn't want anyone else to see my size, and I got sick seeing it myself.

Right now, though, I don't feel my smallest. I've read that a lot of it is psychological and that it will take some time before my mental image catches up to my actual reflection in the mirror, but that's bullshit. I mean, yeah, I have a pretty warped idea of what I look like. We've established that months ago. But I am seriously bigger than I used to be, even though I weigh less. It's not in my head.

I have this really cool belt that I only kept around in case I could use it for a craft project--I bought it when I was 18, wore it for a year or so, and then grew out of it. It's been in my craft supplies for the past decade or so. I found it a few days ago and tried it on--it barely fit around the smallest part of my waist, which is way higher than I would have ever worn a pair of pants when I was 18. It was several inches from closing around my hips, where I would have actually worn it. So what gives? How did the belt fit when I weighed more than I do now, and it's not even close to fitting now that I'm lighter?

Is it just age? I'm so much fucking older now...are my organs sagging?! At age 31, are my intestines getting fat while I'm losing weight everywhere else? Did I just lose all of my boob weight, and now the weight has redistributed to my stomach? Yeah, that's a lovely image. Just what I want. Work my ass off to lose weight, only to find myself with no tits and no ass and a big, dumpy stomach hanging out in front. Or do old people just look bigger at the same weight? Is it possible that I've lost so much bone density that I will have to lose a lot more weight to be the same size? Like, I'm thirty-freakin-one. I shouldn't have osteoporosis, right? And I was a cheesetarian for a decade...I think I devoured more calcium than anyone else in the world. If anything, I should have calcium formations on my bones.

Ahh. This is just another of those obnoxious weight loss things that I don't fucking understand. I'm still not quitting. I'm still losing weight. I'll keep going until I'm happy with my weight and my size. But really...what the hell? It doesn't make sense, and I hate when stuff doesn't make sense. Maybe I should have gotten a biology major instead of a worthless Women's Studies degree...

More Numbers

I wanted to make myself feel better so I took some measurements. I was hoping that I would see some changes to my body, even if the scale isn't showing any progress.

All I found out is that my boobs are shrinking.

Lovely.

New dimensions:

Neck: 15"
Bust: 46"
Chest: 42"
Waist: 41"
Hips: 50"
Thighs: right 28", left 29"
Calves: left and right 20"
Ankles: right 10.5", left 11"
Upper arms: right 14", left 15"
Forearms: right 10.5", left 11"
Wrists: right and left 7"

This shows some progress (I guess) from the last time I measured myself, but it's still a little disheartening.

I bought myself some pretty things on Amazon to keep my mind off of food and my weight and my failures. I may go to Macy's next. Retail therapy is totally underrated.

Tagalong Plateau

LOSING WEIGHT SUCKS.

Seriously.

This is not fun. Well, it would be more fun if I were ACTUALLY LOSING WEIGHT. Instead, I've been losing and gaining the same pound for a month and a half. A MONTH AND A HALF! I am the same weight that I was on 2/20, even though I have been tracking everything religiously on Weight Watchers.

Is this was a plateau feels like?

I wouldn't know. I've never lost enough to even hit a plateau. Or when I did stop losing weight for even a week or so, I'd just give up and eat what I want. Like, fuck it, right?

But I'm really trying not to go that this time. I'm really trying to stay focused on losing weight, but it's SO FUCKING HARD.

Like Easter. Everyone else enjoyed Easter baskets full of candy and chocolate, or stuffed their faces with banana pudding and my grandma's special eclair cake. I measured, weighed, and tracked every morsel and...I didn't even get an Easter basket this year :( Yes, it's sad that I am 31 and this is the first year I have not gotten a basket. But STILL! That's sad.

At my weigh-in yesterday I think my meeting leader saw my frustration (or maybe the "FUCK!" that flew from my lips tipped her off) and tried to talk to me about some strategies. I told her I'm still nervous about working out, with my stupid non-functioning heart valve and all that, so she tried to find other sources of my weight loss stagnation. Not drinking enough water (it's true), not meeting my healthy guidelines for oil (well, if I have to choose between one Point of oil and one Point of chocolate, who do you think wins??), and then said something that made me want to laugh and cry at the same time (ala my favorite movie quotation, courtesy of Steel Magnolias: "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion..." but this was NOT a good emotion)...she asked if I had stress and said stress can make your body hold on to fat. I was like, "HA! Okay, so I have no hope?"

I mean, I have super high anxiety anyway. All the time. I take Xanax to manage it but it honestly doesn't do much good. On top of that, I just got a promotion at work last week so now I'm in charge of about two times more than I was before...and I was already in charge of a LOT. So if stress is going to keep me from losing weight, I should probably just throw in the towel now because this belly is not going anywhere.

But I won't give up. At least, not yet. She also gave me a few other suggestions: try eating a bigger breakfast (I've been eating a container of yogurt every morning for around five years now, so it makes sense that my body would get used to it) and a smaller supper (I stuff my face at supper because that's the time I have to cook big delicious meals, but if it'll help I will try).

Still, something's gotta give. Last week I lost .8 pounds, down to 249.4. This week, I gained 1.2 pounds, back up to 250.6. I've still lost over 50 pounds since I started out at 304 pounds in August, but this past month and a half has been really discouraging.

I hate missing out on good food. I know that in the long run I'll be happier and healthier and missing out on Girl Scout cookies for one year isn't going to make my big list of Life Regrets when I'm on my death bed. But I titled this post Tagalong Plateau because that was actually the name of one of my favorite cats growing up. I was a Girl Scout for 13 years and Tagalong Plateau is the name of a landmark reached by the Girl Scouts in some really weird old cassette tape I used to listen to before bed (which I sadly can't find anywhere and of which I can find no reference on the almighty Google). All of my cats had Girl Scout cookie names. I fucking love Girl Scout cookies. This year? ZERO cookies. I couldn't trust myself to buy a box because I totally knew I would eat the whole thing. I gave a donation to our local Girl Scout Council instead (partly to assuage my guilt over turning down all the cookie offers, and partly in support of their acceptance of gay scouts, which is a really big deal to me). But I'm SAD I didn't eat a Girl Scout cookie, and I STILL gained weight. Like, maybe I should have eaten a whole box just so I could point my finger and say "There, yep, that's why I gained weight...whole box of delicious cookies. Worth it." Instead, I'm looking back through my month's food tracker thinking "Wow, I made some really healthy choices and ate a ton of veggies and really cut back on the cheese and chocolate and all things delicious...so why the fuck did I GAIN? AGAIN?!"

I'm not giving up, but I'm getting more and more tempted to just go sit at a Golden Corral and stuff my face until they drag me away from the buffet with a trail of mac n cheese and gummy bears behind me...

Up & Down Like A Yoyo

I've been really frustrated with my weight for the past few weeks. No, I've been really frustrated with myself.

Ever since my birthday a little over a month ago, my weight has been fluctuating up and down like crazy. Sure, there are other factors at play: I drank a lot because it was my birthday, I was horribly constipated for the first time ever and though I was going to die, I pretty much stopped drinking water, I had my anniversary dinner and ate until I thought I was going to pass out, I tried to be a good boss by bringing sugar-laced green vodka and Puckers mixed with Sprite and served in sugar-encrusted shot glasses for St. Patrick's Day, I entered a Peep diorama contest (and won! yay!) which also meant the demise and consumption of untold number of Peeps, my girlfriend has been stocking up on Cadbury Creme Eggs like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter and won't tell me "no" when I ask for one...etc etc etc. So, yeah, I guess there may be some factors going on this month. BUT I still stuck to the Plan...

So why, on last Wednesday's weigh in, did I gain 1.4 pounds? I'm back up to 250.2 pounds, for a total loss of 53.8 from my 304 starting weight. Not bad, but not exactly on track. If I were losing 2 pounds per week, 10 pounds per month, I'd be down 75 pounds right now. I'm not even close! Gaining weight last week really pissed me off.

I told myself, "Well, that's okay, I ate a lot at my anniversary dinner and I haven't been drinking water and blah blah blah" but THEN I looked at my Weight Watchers weight tracker and grasped something that had escaped me in the past few weeks of bouncing back and forth over the 250 pound mark. I realize that in the one month since my birthday, I have GAINED a pound.

That doesn't sound terrible, given the list of excuses above. But I stayed on Plan! I recorded every bite! I counted the Points and carefully measured and weighed every thing I put in my mouth! So how could I have gained?

Something my mom said the other week stuck with me. She was talking about how my grandmother was meeting with a doctor about bariatric surgery, and my mom was depressed because no doctor would consider her for the same surgery given her medical history. I started talking about Weight Watchers and my mom said she would never be able to stick to it because she'd cheat. If she wanted to eat something, she'd pretend like she forgot to write it down, or something similar.

That's when I started to think that maybe I'm doing the same thing. Even though I stay within my Points for the week, I have definitely gone back through and lowered Points on other days when I am running out of Points. Like, if I want a Cadbury Creme Egg, I'll go to yesterday's tracker and say "well, I tore the crust off of that bread so it was really more like 3/4 slice, and part of the ranch dressing dripped onto my plate so that's closer to 1 1/2 tablespoons..." So I cheat. I really tried not to, and I told myself I wasn't, but I cheat. Just like I cheat at Monopoly without intending to.

Once I admitted I was doing it, I tried to be more honest about my measurements. I think that's the TRUE reason I've been having trouble losing this month. I need to stop cheating the system, and be honest with myself. I mean...I'm only cheating myself, and that's no fun. Especially when I'm not even winning.

55 Pounds

Got another five pound star today at Weight Watchers!

I hit 55 pounds lost :) Down 2.4 this week, so I'm at 248.8 pounds now down from 304, for a total loss of 55.2 pounds.

I'm glad I'm back under 250 pounds. When I bounced around 249-252 for the past couple of weeks, I was getting pretty discouraged. I was so elated to get down under 250 pounds that I felt like a big failure when I gained again. Now I'm determined to stay under 250 pounds. I just don't want to go back there again.

I've also been failing at the 100 Mile March, but I don't feel as bad about that because, honestly, my stomach is still all crampy and I just don't feel like walking so even the little bit of walking I do at work feels like agony. I'm going to have to go to the doctor if things don't get back to normal soon.

All of that aside, I've been feeling pretty good this week. I went to the movies with my girlfriend, mom, and nephew on Saturday (To see Oz the Great and Powerful, which was totally fantastic! I'm not a huge James Franco fan, but I AM a HUGE Sam Raimi fan--I honestly think he's one of the most brilliant and underrated men in the movie industry--and I swooned to see Bruce Campbell! Bruce looked, well, disturbing as a Winkie, but to me he'll always be Autolycus from Xena and that makes me immensely happy!!!!!).

 God, I fucking love Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell.

I heard that they started a Kickstarter for a Veronica Mars movie, which I didn't watch and don't care about. But I think someone should start a Kickstarter for Xena! Bring back Xena! That would be the most amazing fucking thing ever. It ended way too soon. I mean, Xena and Gabs didn't even officially hook up (unless you believe in fan fiction, which I DO...)

Anyway, I wore my new black cowboy boots (faux leather, of course) with black tights and a dress, and I felt super hot. We rode there in the convertible with the top down, and I felt like a sassy vixen :) At the movies, I crossed my legs comfortably and kept them crossed for most of the film...for anyone else with legs like giant toy water snakes, you know that's an accomplishment. My mom even told me I looked great, WITHOUT saying anything like "You're going to look as good as your sister soon!". That's a big deal for me.

Then on Tuesday...this is a big one...drumroll please...I wore REAL PANTS! Like, real, non-elastic, fastening and zipping pants! Granted, they're a size 24, but I didn't even try them on for the longest time. Wearing any kind of regular pants cut into my stomach and made so much of my fat roll over the top that I looked like a mushroom and I had to wear like three Spanx just to keep my stomach smooth enough to pull a shirt over so it just wasn't worth it at all. Hence my obsession with stretch pants and leggings. But as it turns out, I probably should have tried on the pants a few months ago because they were a little too big for me! So even my skinny pants are getting big :) That's got to be a good sign, right?

And today, after the success of my pants-wearing on Tuesday, I decided to try on my camouflage pants that I've had for over a decade but haven't been able to comfortably wear for the past six or so years. They fit! They totally fit! I'm wearing them right now :) And they fit so well that I'm wearing a fitted black cashmere sweater and there are no rolls in sight!

Tomorrow is my seven year anniversary, so I hope the good vibes continue. I still haven't lived up to my New Years Resolution to get frisky, but now that I'm starting to feel a little more like myself, maybe it's actually in the cards. Well, the gross yeast infection and stomach issues will more than likely stand in my way. But a girl can dream, can't she?

"The Dark Still Nurses Its Secret"

So, it happened. The thing I've been dreading for so long.

My girlfriend found out how much I weigh.

She also knows how much I've lost, which means some pretty simple math will lead or has led to the realization that I started out over 300 pounds. Which means she knows how fat I was...and am.

I'm so sad right now.

She was scrolling through my birthday photos on my phone, and I suddenly remembered the photo I took of the scale at 250 pounds. I tried to grab the phone back, but I could tell she saw it. I burst into tears, started sobbing, and she came over to hug me and tell me it didn't matter and she loves me anyway.

That doesn't help.

I am so ashamed. I'm so ashamed that I got to over 300 pounds. I feel like since I kept it a secret from everyone, I didn't have to really deal with it. I started Weight Watchers, dropped below 300 pounds, and I've been working really hard ever since then to distance myself from that weight.

I should be really proud that I'm under 250 pounds now, and I did feel proud about it yesterday. That was, until she saw the picture. That changes everything. I feel like I can't even be happy about getting down to under 250 pounds, because the shame of being over 300 pounds is now so fresh. I had put it behind me until she saw the picture. Now she knows, and even though she didn't say it, I think she's got to be disgusted by me now. How many people can actually eat themselves to over 300 pounds? I put on every single ounce myself. Bite by bite, I ballooned up to 304...and I could have let that information stay in my past, if she hadn't found that picture.

I mean, I always knew eventually that I would tell people how much I weighed and how much I had lost and they would do the math and know how much I started out as, but I had hoped that wouldn't happen until I was under 200 pounds finally. I'm so far away from there. I feel too close to 300 pounds right now. It was starting to feel far behind me, until now...now, I just feel like the same big slob.

I'm just so, so ashamed. So embarrassed. So sad. I made her go to bed before me last night, and I snuck under the covers after staying up crying in the dark for a couple of hours. I pretended to be asleep when she kissed me goodbye this morning. She texted me, and I haven't been able to bring myself to text her back. I just can't look at her now that she knows that I let myself get to over 300 pounds.

And the saddest part was that my birthday was so great yesterday until that happened. Now, I can't even think about my birthday without feeling that stomach-dropping fear and anguish that hit me when I realized she had scrolled back too far and got to the picture of the scale. The picture that wouldn't have existed if I wasn't so stupid and vain. When everyone at work this morning asked me how my birthday was, I lied and pretended like it was fine. It wasn't fine. It was fine until she found the picture, and then it was ruined.

I honestly don't know how I can go home today. I can't face her. I can't look into her eyes and risk seeing her disgust.

Before I made her go to bed, I told her to never talk about it again. I told her to forget and pretend like nothing ever happened. But what's done is done. My secret is out. She knows.

I plan to keep going and trying to lose weight, but I feel like my motivation has been stripped away. After being so happy yesterday after weigh in, I didn't expect to be so sad today.

Under 250 Pounds...FINALLY!

 

I did it! I am under 250 pounds for the first time in around five years!

This is the best birthday present EVER!!!

I actually took today off for my birthday, but I had my girlfriend bring me to work briefly so I could weigh in at Weight Watchers. I knew I had lost this week (according to my lovely new scale, at least) but I wanted a concrete number before I went out for lunch. I needed to decide if I should have a margarita...well, I'm glad I went because I ordered a large margarita and didn't feel bad about it at all :)

I was down 3.2 for the week, for a grand total of 54.8 pounds lost. That brings me down to 249.2 (from my starting weight of 304 on August 8th, 2012).

I was afraid I would never be under 250 pounds again. For so long, I just assumed that I would always be over the maximum weight limit for everything--lawn chairs, step ladders, inflatable rafts, hammock chairs, ziplines. Now I can officially zipline! I can sit in a lawn chair without feeling like it's going to immediately crumble under my weight! This is AWESOME!

Since my Weight Watcher's goal weight was set at 250, it was time for me to pick a new goal. I thought about 243 because that will be a loss of 20% from my starting weight, but I want to be a little more ambitious (without going too wild!). I set it at 225 pounds. That doesn't feel so far away right now, which is why I think it's a good goal, but it's also a LOT mentally.

I haven't been 225 pounds since the summer I graduated high school. I was at 230 pounds at graduation, started the Atkins diet while I was killing time before college, and I got down to just over 210 pounds. Then college started and, well, the Freshman Fifteen hit me hard. I fluctuated between 220 and 240 for years. If I can get under 225 again, I feel like I can go all the way :)

Oh, and today I saw the girl who inspired me to start Weight Watchers--she hit 125 pounds lost! Hey, I'm almost halfway there!

50 Pounds! Celebrate!

Down 3 pounds! Therefore...

I've officially lost more than 50 pounds!!!!!!!

I'm at 252.3 pounds. I've lost a total of 51.7 pounds. So that means...I got my 50 pound token from Weight Watchers!

50 pounds is a LOT! When we went to Cancun, I brought about 20 outfits and 10 pairs of shoes (yes, seriously, and we were only there for four days) and I was certain that my bag was going to be over the weight limit for checked luggage. It was the biggest suitcase I own, and I had to have my girlfriend help me lift it into the cab and onto the scale at the baggage check desk, but it came in at 43 pounds. I lost MORE than my giant suitcase full of crap!

Or, more than an entire bale of hay! (Yes, the list of equivalents is still getting much use.)

I've been looking back through a lot of old pictures, and I can tell a big difference in my face. My cheekbones were hidden for so long, and my chin just sloped down to my chest like a fanny pack of fat strapped around my neck. It's nice to look down without feeling the resistance of my chins squishing back up.

I ordered a pair of tall boots and, although they didn't go all the way up, they went much further up my leg than they would have six months ago! They're slouch boots so I'm keeping them anyway--and when I wore them to work on Thursday, I actually felt a little sexy. That's a far cry from where I was in August, when I hated even waddling down to the mailbox because I was embarrassed of what our neighbors might think.

Now that I'm so close to 250 pounds, I can't wait to hit that goal. I'm glad I hit my 50 pound loss, but getting down below 250 pounds is even more important to me. I remember being 250 pounds. I can't remember being any of the weights I reached from 250 through 304 (and possibly beyond). 250 pounds was always my "panic weight" where I'd freak out and start taking Trim Spa or snorting Adderall until I was back down to 240 or 230.

Now, I'm trying to get to 250 from the other side (the healthy way)--and I'm almost there!

So Close

Tomorrow is weigh-in. ::Insert dramatic music here::

I don't want to get my hopes up (too late!) but I think I actually lost a couple of pound this week. And a couple of pounds would put me at a 50 pound weight loss! I don't want to get too excited (again, too freakin late) but I MIGHT get my 50 pound token tomorrow to put on my Weight Watchers keyring!

When I checked my bathroom scale, I was at 252.8 pounds. I started at 304 pounds in August. It's been slow going, but I AM still going, which is better than I've ever done in the past.

I wore an off-the-shoulder top to work today and I couldn't stop staring at my clavicle in the mirror. I love being able to see my clavicle. It was buried under inches of fat for way too long. I have a damn fine clavicle if I do say so myself :)

(Oh yeah, and I love saying clavicle. And patella. And xiphoid process. Best-named bones in the body!)

I went overboard on Jell-o shots this weekend and thought I was going to end up gaining weight. From Sunday through today, though, I've been really good about making smart food choices. I even ditched the 100 Calorie Packs for some fat free pudding--one Point lower, and pudding takes me longer to eat than a couple pre-packaged cookies. I've been eating fruits and veggies, drinking plenty of water, and I even made my mashed potatoes with spray butter. I KNOW! I made my girlfriend's full of delicious fatty stick butter, and just used 1/2 tablespoon of real butter in mine. It was still pretty good. Not AS good, but pretty good.

I just want another loss tomorrow. Even if it's just 1/10 pound. I don't want to go back over 260 pounds. I'm so close to losing 50 pounds! I just want to get there. And then get under 250 pounds. And then...well, I'm focusing on tomorrow.

PSA: Kroger's Great Value Tortilla Thins Full of Delicious Lies

I feel the need to make a Public Service Announcement: the Kroger Great Value/Private Selection Tortilla Thins Tortilla Chip nutritional information is grossly incorrect.

The nutritional label states that a serving size is 1 ounce, or 22 chips. I have weighed out 1 ounce from three separate bags now, and it's only 9 or 10 chips.

BOO!

22 chips is more like 2 ounces. That's more than double the Points, calories, fat, carbs, etc. ARGH!

I kept buying the Thins because I could have SO MANY with each meal--seriously, some brands have, like, a serving size of 7 chips. We have gotten bag after bag of the Tortilla Thins because there is a HUGE difference between having 7 chips and having 22 chips. 7 chips with salsa is a light snack; 22 chips with salsa is a meal. 7 chips with melted cheese is a side item; 22 chips with melted cheese is a dinner platter.

I'm so disappointed with Kroger. I tried to call and email them about it, but they just brushed me off saying they'd look into it. This was a few weeks ago, and the bags haven't changed. They don't seem to get it. I mean, 9 chips versus 22 chips is a BIG ASS DIFFERENCE. I was calculating the wrong Points for months. But aside from my own petty complaints, this could have serious health repercussions for people.

A diabetic closely monitoring carbohydrates knows there's a BIG ASS DIFFERENCE between 18g and 36g of carbs.

A heart patient monitoring sodium knows there's a BIG ASS DIFFERENCE between 75mg and 150mg of sodium.

And anyone monitoring fat or calories knows there's a BIG ASS DIFFERENCE between 140 calories/7g of fat and 280 calories/14g of fat.

And anyone one Weight Watchers knows there's a BIG ASS DIFFERENCE between 4 Points and 8 Points.

This is really dangerous misinformation.

And I'd venture to call this false advertising as well. I was purchasing a product specifically because of the information presented on the label, and it was incorrect. I like the Tortilla Thins because they're good, but I BUY them because I thought I could have 22 per serving for 4 Points. LIES.

Anyway, I've been thinking of this every time I see the chips, so I wanted to share. I'm now really careful to weigh out my food instead of going by the product label, but it would be nice to live in a world where you could actually trust the packaging.

Naughty Kroger!

You Win Some, You Gain Some

So...

I gained 4.8 pounds this week.

That's actually not as much as I had feared. I'm back up to 261 pounds, but I've still lost 43 pounds total. I was really hoping to get my 50 pound token soon, so this step backwards sucks. I'm disappointed, but I AM glad I weighed in. Especially with the Cancun trip this weekend--I plan to take full advantage of the bars and buffets (hey, you only live once!) and I want to see realistically how much I gain.

I'm a little freaked out that I won't have my Weight Watchers phone app to track my Points. Since I'll be South of the Border, I'm going to have to rely on the little 360 Points Guide and make sure to track every single gulp of wine and cube of cheese. Yum :) Tracking one glass of alcohol is okay but by drink three, things get a little fuzzy...

One of the other girls going on the trip is also in Weight Watchers with me, and she's not planning to track this weekend. I admire her confidence in herself, but that is NOT for me! If I don't track in Cancun, I might as well go climb back into my fat suit now. I can't get off track. Even with today's setback, I still know I've made it pretty far. I want to keep going. If I let myself binge this weekend, I'll have 48 pounds to work off instead of 4.8.

Also...SWIMMING! I love to swim (LOVE to swim!!!) and the resort has two big pools (WITH a swim-up bar!) and it's directly on the beach. So I'll be romping in the waves, diving in the pool, frolicking around in the ocean--if I'm going to track everything I eat, I'm also going to track all of my Activity Points, dammit!

Maybe I'll earn myself an extra margarita...or five :)

Ups and Downs

I lost again this week! CELEBRATE!

I'm down 1.6 pounds this weigh-in, which brings me to a total loss of 47.8 and a current weight of 256.2.

I'm still firmly in the 250s, and it feels great :)

I have a journal from my senior year of college--2004--lamenting, "I went to the doctor and weighed 256! This is the biggest I've ever been!" The rest following several pages contained angsty complaints about my body, desperate promises that I would turn my life around, and careful documentation of every morsel of food I put into my mouth. I started reading Dr. Phil and wrote about how much sense he made and how great I thought I was doing. Of course, I was also snorting Adderall and binge drinking every night, so whatever I ate probably wasn't going to do me much good anyway. The lists were things like "3 tortilla chips, 1 bag of Skittles, 1 bottle of Mad Dog, 1 baked potato, 1 large order of onion rings, 2 bottles of Boone's Farm, vodkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."

So, well, I didn't get very far. I stopped writing in that journal. My weight continued to fluctuate. I graduated, couldn't afford food, and dropped down to 230 on a diet of rum and ramen. My Dr. Phil book is still in my bookshelf, beside a neat row of food journals, self-help books, hypnosis how-tos, and other worthless paper.

At the time, I know I NEVER thought I'd end up eating my way to over 300 pounds. I felt sexy, even if I was fat, and I thought I had at least enough self control to stop myself from ballooning up another 50 pounds.

But it happened.

Now I've just got to celebrate being this size again. My next milestone will be 50 pounds lost--and that's only 2.2 pounds away. Amazing. After that, I want to get under 250 pounds. Next, I'm looking forward to being 230 pounds again and remembering what it was like to still be comfortable in my body. 10 years later, though, I'm sure there will be a lot more sagging and grossness than there was in college. After that, I'll be approaching my high school weight. I remember working at Lane Bryant the summer after high school and religiously abiding by the Atkins diet--I got down to 215 pounds, size 14/16 jeans, and then went to college and began a new life of partying and killing myself from the inside. God, I hated Atkins. That was before I was a vegetarian (duh). I subsisted on Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy's, minus the buns, and sugar free Jell-O from MCL cafeteria. Gross.

It's so fucking awesome to have Weight Watchers in my life now. Looking back to all of the diets I tried in the past, I realize that I knew I wanted to lose weight but those diets weren't helping at all because I didn't know how to feed myself. Now I feel like I finally have the tools, I have the determination, and I've had a taste of success that's made me hungry for more.

Also, this article made me smile: http://www.thedailymeal.com/too-good-be-true-diet-trends-literally-and-what-you-should-try-instead-slideshow

Weight Watchers is one of the GOOD suggestions! I don't think I've ever been on the "good" diet side before! I'm used to the fad diets, the miracle methods that make lofty claims and let me down, books with chapter after chapter of anecdotes and advice but no real help. This is like confirmation that Weight Watchers works. Although I think 47.8 pounds might be confirmation enough for me.

Can't Look Away

So after posting my body measurements (cringe.) I searched the Internets for a way to input my measurements and get an accurate model of my body. I've always felt a little dysmorphic--at times, I can only think of how humongously huge I am and I feel like seven cows worth of lard stuffed into a bodysuit. Other times, I feel sleek and pretty and like I couldn't possibly weigh 304 pounds (well, 264 now I guess).

Behold the wonders of the Body Visualizer:

 

Honestly, I don't think I look like this.

 

I look worse. Much worse. 

The fat bulges more above my knees and elbows, my stomach hangs down in the front (the dreaded fupa), my boobs are bigger. But if you picture this with a fupa...well, that's pretty much me naked.

What an image.

Ugly Green Monster

I think I mentioned earlier that I am not very tech-savvy. I’m not hip to all the new-fangled social media these youngsters are using. I’m really pretty curmudgeonly for being only 30 years old. One of the few things I do use is Facebook. I use it in a more voyeuristic way—I very rarely post anything. I tend to just creep around, liking statuses, and peeking into everyone’s lives through their Facebook posts.

Since the New Year, though, I’ve avoided Facebook like the plague. Why? Because I can’t fucking stand watching all of these idiots posting “I lost 6 pounds this week!” and “My New Years Resolution is paying off! Dropped a size already!”. And of course these jerks all get, like, 80 “Likes” and supportive comments. I just hate the fact that these people have only been eating healthy for two weeks and they already lost more than I did in my first full month on Weight Watchers. I’m jealous, okay? I’m totally jealous. I can’t help it.

 

What’s worse, though, is that one of my friends (okay, really one of my sister’s friends from high school who was always really nice to me so I accepted her friend request) just had bariatric surgery in December. She’s talked about it for months but I didn’t think she’d actually do it. In the first month, she lost 40 fucking pounds. FORTY POUNDS! That’s the exact amount I’ve struggled to shed since August. I’ve worked hard, watched (and tracked) every fucking thing that passed my lips, cut back on drinking, cut back on CHEESE (oh the horror!) and I lost in five months what she lost in one. 

 

As Sarah would say in The Labyrinth: IT’S NOT FAIR. 

 

No, it’s no fair. But I obviously don’t want to put my body through unnecessary surgery. And I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, without surgery or pills or crazy cleanses. But still…damn. 

 

Honestly, it feels like she’s cheating. It feels like she’s cheating and barreling toward some invisible finish line, and I’m slowly trudging along at a fraction of her pace because I’m playing by the rules (whatever “the rules” are). 

 

It’s totally wrong of me to feel that way. A doctor would not have cleared her for surgery if she didn’t need it. Her insurance or parents wouldn’t have paid for it if she didn’t need it. And I don’t know her life. It’s not my place to judge these people. 

 

But where’s my magic button? 

 

Her first week after the surgery, she had lost 12 pounds. Do you know how long it took me to lose 12 pounds? And she had to do NOTHING except let a doctor cut into her and magically make her skinnier. All of the Facebook comments are like "Way to go! Keep up the good work!" and "We're so proud of you!" Seriously? Proud that she had surgery? Keep up the good work...like doing nothing? Nothing at all? Just eating and magically losing weight? That just seems shitty to me. Again, it's not my place to judge AT ALL...but I can't help it. I'm also really jealous that she's full all the time...I would give anything to feel full all the time. I love feeling full. Now, I feel half starved all the time. Not actually hungry, but not stuffed either. I would love to eat a crouton and feel like I ate a loaf of bread. But I'm doing it the hard way instead.

 

The grimmest thought is that my journey is only going to get harder the further I go. Each pound I lose, I know I’m getting closer to a dreaded plateau, or closer to that invisible line where losing weight takes much, much more effort. That’s a scary thought. Especially when I’m watching all of these other people dropping weight so effortlessly. 

 

It just…it just sucks. 

 

Anyway, I finally brought myself to take some actual measurements in hopes that I’ll see some progress even when the scale gives me bad news. And I'm staying away from Facebook for as long as I can, because that shit can get some serious jealousy stirred up inside of me. I can't imagine going through high school with something like Facebook...I don't know how girls today do it. I want to blow my brains out after reading a few hours' worth of posts, and I'm freakin' 30 with a good job and a great girlfriend. High-school-me probably would have slit her wrists if faced with obnoxious, bragging posts day in and day out. Blah. 

 

Rant over.

 

Now here are my terrifying measurements:

 

Neck: 15"

Bust: 49.5"

Chest: 44"

Waist: 43"

Hips: 52"

Thighs: right 29.5", left 29"

Calves: right 20", left 21"

Ankles: right 11", left 11"

Upper arms: right 15", left 15"

Forearms: right 10.5", left 11"

Wrists: right 7", left 7"

 

There. My soul is totally bared. You know I'm enormous, and that I'm also a Mean Girl. I'm trying to change both, I swear.

 

Suck It Up

Another gain.

 

BOOOOOOO.

 

I gained 3 pounds since my last weigh in on December 19. I'm back up to 269.4 pounds, for a current loss of 34.6 pounds. I'm not very happy about it. But, all things considered, that's not a bad gain for Christmas and New Year's Eve.

 

Unfortunately, I'm still not back on the right track exactly. I've stayed busy and moved more...but I've still been avoiding water, fruit, and veggies for some reason. I'll, like, get a bottle of icy cold water and then just sip around a quarter of a cup before letting it sit there. And my purse is stuffed full of apples, oranges, and even a kiwi, but I'm reaching for 100 calorie packs and Hershey Nuggets instead. I had to throw out two clementines, a kiwi, and an apple because they went bad in my purse. Gross. And not very healthy.

 

I'm a little discouraged right now. Gaining three pounds in two weeks over the holidays is not that horrible, but I felt like I worked really hard to stay within my allotted points each day. I was definitely more active--I've been cleaning up a storm, playing, walking around more. I passed over or strictly limited my portions of the totally tempting Christmas treats. I barely drank enough champagne on New Years to get tipsy. And I still gained.

 

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if everyone else had gained as well. But one of my coworkers stopped tracking altogether for the two weeks, ate and drank what she wanted, and only gained 1.6 pounds. And one of the guys lost 1.5 pounds after I saw him eating all kinds of delicious unhealthy lunches. PLUS, one of the girls (who was tiny to begin with...like, goes to Playboy mansion parties* and bartends in hotpants and a bikini top) lost so much weight she had to stop going to Weight Watchers meetings. Granted, this chick works out HARD and does a lot to keep herself in awesome shape, but all of this stuff added up makes me even more frustrated with how slowly I'm losing so far. Even though I'm really trying.

 

If I had lost the target two pounds per week, I would have lost 42 pounds by now. I'm 35 pounds lighter, but that's still slower than I'd like. And it's still hard to tell that I've lost anything, since I have so far to go. It seems like I got up to 304 pounds so fast (I didn't--I know I worked years to put on that much weight--but it feels like it happened overnight) and now it seems like getting down to a healthy weight for the first time in my life is a very, very distant pipe dream.

 

 

Still, as I realized while making my 2013 resolutions, losing two pounds each week this year would put me down to 165 pounds. That would be fantastic. And it's not that crazy of a dream. Yet, I don't want to set a deadline for myself. When I do that, I fail. I have a bad week, panic, decide I'll never catch up, and quit. This time, I'm taking things slowly. I'm trying not to let the bad weeks (like this one) bring me down. It's hard, but I'm serious about this. I'm tired of being fat. And I don't just mean looking fat--I'm tired of my fat trapping me and keeping me from enjoying things I can't do right now. I need to be healthier, and if I have a setback I need to put on my big girl panties and get the fuck over it. Everyone has bad weeks. Okay, I'm opening a bottle of cold water right now and I'm forcing myself to drink it all. It's time to suck it up and get back on track. I'm going to make this a good year! I owe it to myself. It's time. I'm ready.

 

*I know this is super creepy, but my biggest all-time fantasy has been to be in Playboy. That's the fantasy that kept me up at night in high school and college, and even now I catch myself wistfully imagining myself posing nude, stretched out on a faux fur rug with the Playboy photographer and makeup artists swarming around me. But I AM A FEMINIST. I majored in Women's Studies. I've marched in Washington DC for the World March for Women. I hate the thought of women losing their power. I should not be so absorbed with the thought of being objectified like that. But...I do think there's a lot to be said for a woman's capacity for sexual power, and I like to think that the sex industry and feminism are not mutually exclusive. There are many insightful articles, studies, books, and blogs about this, and they all put it more eloquently than I can. Women can use their sexuality and feel empowered. But I still feel dirty about wanting so badly to pose for Playboy. Right this second, I'm fantasizing about losing enough weight (and, of course, magically having taut skin, no stretch marks, still-large perky boobs, etc.) to send in my photos to Hugh. YEAH RIGHT. I'm turning 31 next month, I'm still well over 100 pounds away from a healthy weight, and gravity definitely took its toll on all 304 pounds of me (and it's only going to get worse as I lose my stuffing). But...I can't help but think about it. I promised myself for years (lying awake, crying, swearing that I'd start to work out and eat right the very next day) that I'd be Playboy-ready by the time I turned 30. I think that's one reason why turning 30 was so devastating for me. All throughout my twenties, I swore I'd lose weight before I hit the big 3-0. And I failed. Just like I failed to lose weight and shock everyone at my ten year high school reunion--another fantasy of mine. But...I guess anything is possible still.  Maybe one day I'll grace those legendary Playboy pages and make women and men stop on my page and trace every curve with their eyes. I'll toss my hair and arch my back and make my parents and my Women's Studies professors die a little inside. Um. Dream big!