Rolling In The Deep

I'm now a little more than two years out from my surgery, and my weight has settled around 164. No longer obese!!

It has been really, really getting used to being a "normal" size. To not ease slowly into every chair lest it breaks; eyeing narrow retail stores to see what I'm in danger of knocking over; walking down the street and noticing people staring at me without wondering if they're secretly weighing me in their minds.

I'm even wearing crop tops!

I recently started a new job and, lemme tell you, it is AWESOME not being the fattest person in the building. To walk up the stairs to my office without having to hide for 20 minutes while I catch my breath. To step on the elevator and not have people directly check the weight capacity and do mental arithmetic to see if I'll cause us all to plummet. I've even noticed people speaking to me more as a peer, as though they assume I know what i'm doing and am capable of understanding.

It's pathetic that it took losing almost 200 pounds to realize people didn't take me as seriously when I was fat. Iw was more than capable at my job, but I got the sense that my shallow colleagues assumed that not having my weight under control meant I didn't have anything else under control.

Since losing weight, I did deal with serious depression and ended up committed after a suicide attempt. Then my house burned down. I took two years to find a job. I got very badly addicted after so many pain pills following so many surgeries. I was robbed three times, losing literally everything I own.

But.. I've never been happier. I've found the love of my life, I have a great job now, my house is being rebuilt, and I'm a healthy weight for the first time ever.

I recently got a new tattoo, and the message means a lot to me. It's from the Lord of the Rings: "It's only a passing thing, this shadow. " How right you are, Samwise.

Over It.

I'm done.

Over it.

I've been on Weight Watchers since August 2012 and I can't handle being on a diet anymore. I'm tired of turning down snacks. I'm tired of driving past Dairy Queen without ordering a Blizzard. I'm tired of feeling tortured every time someone orders food or asks me to go to lunch.

So I'm quitting. I'm going back to eating what I want. I don't care if I gain it all back. I'd rather be fat and happy than less-fat and hungry. Today is the beginning of a new life where I eat what I want without feeling guilty.

Today is also the first day of April.

So, psych! April Fool's, suckers!

Although I am tired of passing up delicious food, there's just no way that I'd be happy back over 300 pounds. Not a fucking chance. Now that I know what it feels like to be able to move, to not always be the fattest one in the room, to shop at normal sized stores and not have people stare...I'm not giving that up easily.

For me, Weight Watchers isn't a diet. I do have to limit what I eat and make smarter decisions, but it's not a diet. It is, as they say, a lifestyle change. I don't feel like I'm dieting because I can eat anything I want. Just not as much as I want, and I have to make adjustments elsewhere if I know I want something super unhealthy. I need to have a smaller lunch, or earn some Activity Points.

The reality is that I'm a major overeater and if I were allowed to eat whatever I wanted, I think it would take less than 6 months to regain the 95 pounds I've lost. I have no self control and Weight Watchers helps me manage or budget my food. I already pre-tracked for today so I know if someone shows up with cupcakes or candy, I can asses if it's worth using my extra Points. If I wasn't on Weight Watchers, I would probably convince myself that waking yesterday made up for anything I ate today, and I'd end up having two cupcakes. My mental food math is full of lies, where Weight Watchers is full of harsh reality.

So no, I'm not quitting. It would be nice to go off the rails and pig out, but the consequences are too great. I'm not willing to let go of this healthy version of myself. Yesterday my dad called because he was downtown with my nephew so I left work, power walked a mile, and met up with them. We hung out and then I walked them the mile back to my work to give them a tour (including the fire pole, which my dad had to try...I've worked there 6 years and I'm still too chicken to try). The unexpected chance to spend time with my nephew was totally awesome, and I 100% wouldn't have been able to do that a year ago. My smaller size made that possible. Heart surgery made that possible. Weight Watchers made that possible.

Sure, I'm a little discouraged right now because I've been active and I'm still not losing weight at the moment. I'm actually still the same weight I was in October. That's depressing but it's my own fault--I've been going over my Points and I'm paying the price for that. It doesn't mean I'm going to quit. I just need to focus, get myself back under control, and remember that being this size makes my life a lot better than being 300 pounds.

But now cupcakes sound really good...

My Grandfather Hates Fat People

We buried my grandfather today. He was 87.

I love that man so much.

To me, he is the quintessential 1950s black-and-white tv blue collar family man. He could be a character in so many mid-20th century shows. The gruff but caring, hard-working, decent and kind and disciplined and stubborn and loving man with strong moral fiber and a dogged work ethic. Clean shaven with a crisp white t-shirt and shined shoes, a pocket knife always handy, two fingers missing from the knuckle after a run-in with an automatic saw several decades ago.

Papaw had a great love of Westerns, Johnny Cash, and traveling, and possessed a wealth of colorful stories involving guarding German prisoners of war following WWII. He married the love of his life, worked hard, and provided an idyllic childhood to my father and aunt and uncle.

At the funeral today they gave him a really touching military burial, complete with the guns and Taps and the flag folding and everything else that made me weep. I was also so proud, and incredibly impressed by the number of loved ones who came from all across the country to mourn his death and celebrate his life. The minister mentioned the size of the crowd and noted that even the staff at the hospital had fallen in love with him.

As surly and gruff as he could be, people genuinely and deeply cared about him. I know I loved him so, so much. Even old neighbors who lived on his street half a century ago came to express their love for him.

So many people liked him. He liked all of them back.

But Papaw did NOT like fat people.

He hated fat people and didn't mind saying so. Sure, some of us were privileged to have him like us enough to somewhat overlook our size, but for the most part he held fat people in serious contempt. He had a look that he'd give fat people, a look of disgust and accusation. He didn't like to sit next to fat people. When he ended up in the hospital last month, he would point out the fattest nurses and say, loudly enough for them all to hear, "There's lots of big nurses. I don't know why they're so big. Nurses shouldn't be so fat. Some are alright but they shouldn't take care of other people if they can't take care of themselves…"

The unfortunate problem is the the vast majority of my family is overweight. Like, basically everyone. So I don't know about them, but I'm always acutely conscious of my size around my grandfather. His disgust with fat people rivals my dad's, and that's pretty potent stuff.

Still, I feel grateful that he did get to see me making progress. He was impressed with how much weight I've lost, and winning his approval felt almost as triumphant as winning my father's. 

I'm not religious and I don't know what I believe, but I do know that it's comforting to think that he's up in heaven right now, reunited with my grandmother and my uncle and great aunts and everyone else.

And if heaven does exist, and Papaw is up there watching, I truly hope I continue to make him proud by becoming a less fat person.

100 Mile March…Or My Own Version

My workplace is always trying to be healthier (we have a great fitness center and trainer, free Weight Watchers,  quarterly gift cards for healthy habits, only diet sodas in the vending machines, etc.). It's pretty awesome actually. So this year they're promoting the 100 Mile March again. The idea is just to commit to walking 100 miles over the course of the month of March.

Last year, since I had lost a good amount of weight (like 55 pounds) by March and I felt pretty good, I decided to try it.

It was a dismal failure.

I walked every day for the first week. Seven days. My total distance walked? 1.5 miles. That's over a period of seven days COMBINED.

I was so disappointed.

I really did try, but I could only walk two minutes at a time before having an asthma attack and feeling like I was going to vomit.

I had no idea at the time that I was actually suffering from severe cardiac asthma and that my heart valve had grown shut and I was basically a walking heart failure bomb. I didn't find that out until June, and then had heart surgery in August to fix it. But in March, all I knew was that I sucked. That I couldn't even walk, even after losing so much weight.

It was seriously depressing.

So this year, to ramp up slowly and avoid such devastating failure, I'm making my own March. I'm doing a 30 Mile March.

30 Mile March?

Totally doable.

It's the 13th and I've logged right around 12 miles, so I'm perfectly on track. Between my Jawbone UP and my Map My Workout app, I'm doing a good job of getting extra steps in, along with taking short but trackable walks, like trekking a couple blocks with my employees for lunch, or walking around a cemetery while I wait for my girlfriend to get off work.

Even though the weather still sucks, we managed to take a great hike every day Friday through Monday last weekend. Sure, the trails were basically bogs and we had to slog and slide through six inches or more of mud in some places, but it was awesome to be outside DOING something.

I can't recall ever being in the woods before spring or summer. It's been cool to see the green moss peeking out from beneath the melting snow, and to see the trails without the curtains of leaves. The woods feel so open and bare without leaves. I kind of like it.

So I may not be confident enough for a 100 Mile March yet, but I'll do 30 miles. I'm ready for that at least. And I walked farther the first day this year than I did the entire first week last year.

That's progress!

GTFO Winter!

I can feel it in my bones.

Spring is coming.

It's about fucking time.

Of course, I'm still bracing for another Polar Vortex to come through and freeze us all just as we're beginning to thaw.

But I can see grass! The snow is melting, the birds are chirping, I didn't wear a coat yesterday! It was actually only 40 degrees, but it's all relative. After this winter, that feels downright tropical.

And with the spring, I feel my motivation slowly coming out of hibernation. I've been aching to be outside, and tonight it's supposed to get up to the mid-50s so my girlfriend and I made plans to take a couple hour hike at the park, followed by dinner out. That sounds so magical right now.

I gained again at Weight Watchers (2.8 lbs, which puts me back at 214.8). I expected it but it still pissed me off. I was grumbling about it before all the people getting re-dressed around me (following the weekly weigh-in-public-stripping) joined a chorus of "I gained too..."

Then I didn't feel so alone and defeated. I realized that this winter has been like a huge hurdle to everyone trying to lose weight. It's so hard to eat less when every single biological instinct is screaming, "Eat more! Fatten up or you'll freeze!" Seriously, half of America has basically been hibernating for the past four or five months. We've practically turned in to bears. It's fucking nature, right? We've been forced inside, in the dark. We all hurry to our cars after work, then shuffle inside as fast as we can while wearing snow boots and puffy coats. No one has shown any skin for ages. We've been bundled up in sweaters and arm warmers. We're filling ourselves with warm food, and sleeping in on the weekends because there's nothing left to watch on Netflix except the "Random Picks".

**Side bar: that's not entirely true. Netflix Streaming is a bottomless pit of potentially wasted time. But one thing I'm so glad I found was "The Best Worst Movie" and, by extension, Troll 2. How did I not know about this before?! I just watched both for the first time on Monday and now I can't stop watching Troll 2. It's so fucking awesome. Totally my kind of movie. I've seriously watched it 10 times already this week. It's like when I first watched "An Idiot Abroad" last month and then spent the rest of the month obsessively searching for Karl Pilkington YouTube clips. The man is incredible. Anyway...if you needed an idea of something to watch, you're welcome!**

So we've all been trying to push a boulder up a hill all winter, and the sudden sunshine and growing warmth means we're close to the top of the hill already. Or maybe we've rolled back to the bottom? Either way, we can stop pushing soon. Spring is coming. We can breathe again.

I'm really looking forward to seeing what I can achieve once the obstacle that is winter is finally out of my way.

Come on, spring! We're ready for you!

Planning For Weight Loss

I am pretty anal about some things. Okay, most things. I'm a perfectionist and I love being organized (even though I'm also a complete mess...I like to think of it as organized chaos, where others probably just see the chaos. I blame it on being a left handed Pisces.).

My obsessive planning has driven me crazy my whole life, but it's actually been extraordinarily helpful in sticking with Weight Watchers. I would never have lost 90 pounds without carefully pre-tracking before I eat and, perhaps more importantly, planning my meals well in advance.

I thought I'd share the planning method that's worked for me. I spent the last few days in a cabin for my birthday (and I hit 100% of my daily goal for my Jawbone UP each day!) and it made me realize how incredibly difficult Weight Watchers would be if I wasn't able to cook my own meals every day. The same meals I make at home are two or three times more Points at a restaurant.  I'm already over my Points for the week, and that's including the Activity Points for four hours of hiking, two hours of horseback riding, and three hours of walking through cave tours, and it's because I ate out each day. Even though I made good choices, it was impossible for me to stay under my Points.

Normal weeks are infinitely easier for me. I'm hoping that maybe my method will be helpful for someone who's  struggling because they're eating out too often for the sake of convenience. By planning ahead, I find it just as easy to throw together a meal at home than to order or pick up food from out, which is probably the only way I've been able to stick to this.

So I've mentioned my weekly food delivery service before. I cannot overstate the impact this has had on my life. Please, seriously, see if you have a local food delivery service. It will change your diet completely.

I get an email on Thursday telling me what food I'll receive the following Friday. I can edit my bin through Monday, and then I get another email on Tuesday confirming what I'll get on Friday. So usually by Sunday each week, I know exactly what produce I'll get, so I can plan my meals around it. If eggplant is in season and available in the bin, I'll make some baked eggplant parmesan. If cauliflower is coming, I'll make some curried cauliflower couscous. I also get vegetable stock each week in my bin as an add-on item, and every Thursday I make a big soup by just boiling all of the leftover veggies (and maybe a can of tomatoes or some beans) in the veggie stock. That way, my drawers are empty for Friday's delivery.

I keep two lists on my phone: a grocery list and a meal list. I use both Evernote and Out Of Milk, two free applications, and I have a joint login with my girlfriend. As soon as I update my bin for the following week, I make a list of what meals we're having based on the produce that's in season, and then I make a grocery list based on what we'll need for those meals. She can access the lists on her phone, and checks items off as she shops.

This process has dramatically cut down on our grocery bills because my girlfriend then has a week to cut out coupons for the items we'll need, and she doesn't grab stuff that we might need, she only grabs stuff that we actually need. 

More importantly, though, it's given me a good way to avoid that terrible moment of "Ugh, work sucked, I don't know what to cook...let's order a pizza instead." We usually don't eat fast food, so planning ahead has really helped make dinner prep easier without resorting to getting food from out to save time and energy.

Some of my favorite meals that always make the lineup at least once a month: black bean avocado rollups, zucchini feta galette, cheesy potato casserole with cornbread pepper casserole (made with tons of veggies, applesauce in the cornbread, and broccoli cheese soup in the potato casserole), black bean tacos with nachos, curried cauliflower couscous, baked eggplant parmesan with angel hair pasta, veggie bread pudding (with Kroger biscuits cut up, covered with veggies and some eggs and cheese), black bean burgers with baked potato wedges, chili with leftover cornbread pepper casserole, cheesy quinoa with peppers, Greek wraps with baked saganaki (which is just parmesan sliced really thin, baked with some olive oil, and then spritzed with Bacardi 101, lit on fire, and spritzed with lemon juice), spanikopita with Greek potatoes, roasted cauliflower with fried corn and salad, pizza casserole, angel hair spaghetti pies with veggies (baked in muffin tins), tofu bacon broccoli feta rolls, lentil loaf with mashed cauliflower, and all kinds of soup...bean soup, vegetable stew, chili, butternut squash soup, cheesy soup, spicy soup, all kinds of soup.  

Without planning ahead, there is absolutely no way that I would have lost 90 pounds. I would have resorted to the easy path and I'd still be eating Olive Garden and frozen pizzas most nights. Now, I discovered a love of cauliflower (something I always loathed) and the food delivery also keeps me completely stocked up on fruit, which I can eat all the time without using any Points. 

Anyway, if you don't use a food delivery service yet, I HIGHLY recommend it. If you have a year-round farmers market close by that you can visit weekly, good for you. I just don't have the time or the access, and I love getting a delivery each week with all of the key ingredients to my meals for the week.

I definitely missed it while on vacation, and I know that eating out all weekend will make a difference when I step on the scale tomorrow!

Overcoming My Cabin Fever

This winter SUCKS.
 

I hate the winter. I mean, it's okay for about a month. During Christmas. After that, I totally hate it. I swear every year that it will be my last winter somewhere cold, and I vow to pick up my life and flee to the warm sand of the tropics, but then every fall I find myself still in the fucking cold and facing a winter of agony.
 

This year has been worse than any I can remember. It's so fucking cold, and there's snow EVERYWHERE. It's been snowing and snowing, and then it's not melting because it's so fucking cold, and then it snows some more on top of it. I hate it. I hate it every year, but this year is even worse because...well, because I actually feel good and I want to get out and do stuff.
 

This fall was wonderful. It was warm late into the fall, and my recovery from heart surgery was going awesome. I had lost 80 pounds, gotten a new heart valve, and I was able to go on evening strolls and walk the dogs around the park and go for a day long hike for the first time in YEARS. This fall was probably the most active I've ever been, at least in my entire adult life.

 So now I feel completely trapped by the cold and the snow. For Christmas, I got an annual membership for free entry into any of our state parks, and I can't wait to go hit the trails. I even have a new walking stick I can't wait to try out! But right now, I'm stuck inside.
 

I was reading The Year of the Phoenix and she wrote about her Jawbone UP, which I thought sounded cool. With my tax return check burning a hole in my pocket, I bought one (sadly, I bought the Jawbone UP24 right before I discovered that it was not compatible with Android, so I had to cancel that and get the older UP which doesn't have wireless connectivity).
 

I was hoping the Jawbone UP would help inspire me to move a little more in the house at least, in a small effort to combat my Seasonal Affective Disorder and keep myself active. I've only been wearing it for a little over 24 hours, but I've walked around the house more in the past day than I did the previous week! Seriously, it's so fun to see my daily steps increase each time I sync my band. So I've been adding more and more steps just to see my numbers rise. Like, carrying a few things at a time from the pantry to the counter, instead of loading up my arms to only make one trip. And I'm the one offering to get up to bring us drinks. And I paced around the bathroom while I brushed my teeth. Just little tiny things to get a few more steps, things that I normally wouldn't do. I like it so far!
 

 

Oh, I've also signed up for a glassblowing class for tomorrow! And for my birthday this week, we're driving a few hours south to get out of the cold. It's supposed to be around 20 degrees warmer down there, so we're going to a cabin with the dogs and booking a few cave tours, along with a horseback ride. I haven't ridden a horse for 10 years. The last time I did, I was 250 pounds and they took one look at me and led my dainty horse away and returned with the biggest horse I've ever seen. They told me it was "sturdier." I was humiliated. This time, they asked on the phone if either of us were over 250 pounds, and it felt awesome to say, "Nope!"
 

Between the Jawbone UP, tomorrow's glassblowing adventure, and the spelunking and horseback riding this week, I think I'll manage to make it through at least a few more days of winter.
 

If it snows again, though, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

100 Posts, Not Quite 100 Pounds

I'm getting pretty fucking frustrated with myself right now. I KNOW I'm sabotaging myself, but somehow I just can't stop eating. It's like the story of my fucking life. I KNOW I'm getting fatter, but I can't stop.

So right now, instead of focusing on what I'm doing wrong, I thought I would take a moment to recognize a few things I've done right.

This is my 100th post on My Weird Luck, which is pretty weird in itself. When I first started back in 2012, I was high on my Weight Watchers success and I needed an outlet to share my successes and my failures.

I never expected to still be writing more than a year later, but I also truly didn't expect to still be losing weight. I mean, okay, I'm not exactly losing weight at the moment, but I'm still on the right road. It's better than it could be. I definitely didn't expect to still be on Weight Watchers. I figured that I would do what I always do...give up, give in, and keep eating. I figured I'd be back over 300 pounds, whining about my weight, wondering why I couldn't do anything.

I wanted to get my thoughts out there, but I didn't really expect anyone to listen. I'm glad some people relate, though. While I know a very small percentage of people actually comment, I do see that quite a number of you are looking. Hopefully reading. Maybe even finding a bit of yourself here.

The post that has gotten the most attention is my pilonidal cyst story, which is really fucking gross BUT I'm glad it's maybe spreading some info that's otherwise hard to get. I know how embarrassing it is, so it's nice to be able to help spare other people from some of the confusion I had.

Anyway, so here's a sort of rundown of where I am, versus where I've been.

I weighed in this morning at 215.4 pounds. That's a gain of 2 pounds since last week (as expected).

I've lost a total of 88.6 pounds, having started at 304 pounds in August of 2012.

When I started writing this blog, I had already lost 26.8 pounds, which brought me down to 277.2 from 304. Since I started writing, I've lost another 61.8 pounds. I also had heart surgery, which was pretty traumatic but also really awesome.

I had really, really, REALLY hoped to lose 100 pounds before I got to 100 posts. I also really wanted to lose 100 pounds before I turn 32 next week. That obviously isn't going to happen, but I'm turning 32 weighing close to 200 pounds instead of close to 300 pounds.

It could always be worse. Hopefully before I get to 200 posts, I'll FINALLY be under 200 pounds. Otherwise...I mean, I'll totally lose it. I'll lose the weight, or I'll lose my fucking mind! Ha!

Happy 100th post!

Inch by Inch

Losing weight takes sooooooooooooo loooooooooooooooooong.

I feel like 9-year-old me on a long road trip, whining, "Are we there yet?" over and over. My sister and I made a song of it to the tune of Frere Jacques..."Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Please say yes! Please say yes! We're so very bored now, we just want to be there, are we there? Are we there?" It annoyed the hell out our parents, and now I'm annoying myself by singing it in my head.

Seriously, though...are we there yet?!

I've been on Weight Watchers since August of 2012. I've lost 94 pounds now, but I've been hovering around 94 pounds lost for what seems like forever. It doesn't feel like I've made any progress in months, and this journey is taking longer than Lord of the Rings (The books! not even the movies!).

It's been 17, almost 18 months of tracking every bite of food I eat, of weighing out my grated cheese and measuring my glasses of milk. I still, even after nearly 18 months, don't trust myself to pour an accurate 8 ounce drink, or eat one real ounce of potato chips.

That's exhausting.

And from one day to the next, I very rarely feel like I've made any difference. For every unexpected and awesome moment when I pass the mirror and think, "Wow, nice cheekbones!", there's another moment where I put my hand on my hip and think, "Oh man, I thought I had less pudge yesterday..."

Two steps forward, one step back, right?

But still, I keep reminding myself that I HAVE made progress. 94 pounds is still 94 pounds. Just taking a look back through photos from the past 18 months is enough to satisfy me that I am making myself healthier, one day at a time, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

Pilonidal Cysts and My Little Ponies

As someone who has endured the pain of pilonidal cysts, I can tell you that I live in constant fear of having another flare-up.

You can read about my last cyst here, and the eventual resolution here.

This weekend was another cold, slushy, gray blur (the only bright point being my discovery of angel food cake made with a can of crushed pineapple, and the subsequent shame in realizing that I ate four full servings at once). I felt compelled to get out and DO something since, well, it's winter and gross outside but it actually wasn't freezing so I felt pressured to get out of the house and enjoy the relative heat wave of 40 degree weather.

Instead, however, I watched the documentary "Bronies" and then ended up watching the entire third season of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Yes, I'm a dork. I have loved My Little Ponies since I was little, my 80's room (our guest bedroom) is filled with at least 80 original ponies, and this new cartoon has sucked me in despite the slightly slutty re-imagining of their figures. I had watched the first two seasons on Netflix and, after the documentary, discovered that they added the third season. So instead of getting outside and doing something active, I sat on my couch for approximately 48 straight hours.

If you are prone to pilonidal cysts, it is NOT advisable to sit on a couch for 48 hours.

Most of the times that I've had a flare-up have been after a long road trip, after riding roller coasters that hit my tailbone, after sitting for long periods of time in uncomfortable chairs, etc. When I feel like I'm sitting on my tailbone, I immediately try to shift around to take the pressure off. I start feeling like the pilonidal cyst is gathering power and is getting ready to make an appearance.

After this weekend, then, I am being really careful not to lean back in my chair. I am terrified that it's going to flare up again.

I had really hoped that losing weight would make my pilonidal cysts fewer and farther between. I always think of it as a 'fat person disease' and, right or wrong, I hope that once I get down to a healthy weight, I won't have to worry about getting another one.

Of course, a basic understanding of anatomy and biology tells me I'm wrong. I must have a pilonidal sinus and a cavity from past infections, so future infections are always possible.

Still, I can't help but feeling dirty and fat when I think about it. Maybe the pilonidal cyst is like my badge of dishonor--a relic I'll be forced to deal with for all of eternity, for the crime of spending most of my life as a fat person.

I just really, really hope it doesn't flare up this week. Next weekend I am going to try to get my ass off of the couch so I don't have to think about it!

Back On Track

After several weeks of exceeding my Weight Watchers Points (like, by 50 Points! That's like just eating an entire pie, with toppings!) I finally managed to stay mostly within my allotment for the week. Okay, to be honest, I counted two hours of walking yesterday just so I wouldn't go over, even though my 'walking' was really taking an extremely slow shuffling tour of a Masonic temple with some elderly people, one of whom was wearing a prosthetic leg, so I probably shouldn't have counted this as exercise. But anyway, I stayed close to my Points and it paid off.

Down 3.2 pounds this week! That brings me to 208.8 pounds, down 95.2 from 304 pounds. Slowly but surely, right? I'm getting pretty close to losing 100 pounds, which is pretty awesome for me. Also, while I was at weigh-in, I saw someone who I haven't seen in a year or so and she was amazed at how much I've lost. It's so incredible to have people tell me how great I look! That's something you just don't hear much when you're over 300 pounds.

So even though I'm sitting here with a half-eaten plate of Christmas cookies on my desk, I still feel like I'm back on track. I'm trimming back, counting the Points of everything I eat, and trying to stick to my daily Weight Watchers goals. It's not easy with so much holiday cheer being passed around in the form of calorie-laden treats, but I'm getting much better at saying NO. "No, thanks! That looks great but I'm on Weight Watchers." It was embarrassing last year. Really, at close to 300 pounds (I was making some progress by Christmas last year) I felt like people were laughing at me when I said I was on a diet. I could almost hear them thinking "Sure, this bitch is dieting! I bet she steals cookies when our backs are turned and eats them in the bathroom." But now that I can see so much progress, I feel a little proud to tell people I'm sticking with Weight Watchers and passing on the treats.

I still eat what I want, but my Planned Indulgences list is working wonders for me. I still plan to splurge on some eggnog, one of those Hershey Kiss cookies, a Christmas Snickers when I get my stocking, and the full meal on Christmas Day. But knowing that I'm going to eat that delicious shit soon makes it SO much easier to say "No, thanks!" to the sugar cookies, chocolate covered pretzels, and candied nuts I see every day now.

I'm still hoping to lose a few more pounds before the end of the year, mostly because my work gives us gift cards if we work out enough or lose enough weight to earn one. I'm close but not quite there, and I could really use a $50 Target shopping spree!

As long as Christmas doesn't derail my Weight Watchers train, I should be down a few pounds by New Year's!

Feeling Like a Failure

It's the holidays.

I have to keep reminding myself of that. Well, actually, other people keep reminding me of that. Especially since my weigh in today. I gained 2.4 pounds since last week. Now I'm back up to 212 pounds. That's a big difference from the 304 pounds I started at, but also a far cry from where I wanted to be by now.

Seriously, though, Weight Watchers is making me start to hate the holidays. As much as I love getting into the Christmas spirit, I find it hard to separate the awesomeness of the season from the awesome treats that are around every corner. Gingerbread cookies, eggnog milkshakes, peppermint mochas, red and green Rice Krispy treats, Christmas tree-shaped Snickers, festive M&Ms, white chocolate Oreos, cupcakes with sprinkles...not to mention the beautiful buffets of cheeseballs, crackers, nachos, finger sandwiches, creamy dips, warm casseroles...it's enough to make me go fucking crazy.

Being a food addict (which, lets face it, I totally am) around the holidays is TOUGH, man. I mean, really tough. And it's so easy to indulge. You know, like, it's Christmas. It's once a year. Might as well have that white chocolate shake and finish it off with some cinnamon sugar cookies, right?

And I am really bad at succumbing to peer pressure. I've been so strong all year, but now I have people offering me treats and candy with the unintentionally evil, "Oh, you've done so well, you deserve this!" Or, "It's Christmas--time to reward yourself!"

It's obviously not doing good things for me.

On top of all the food, the weather here SUCKS so going outside for anything is a nightmare. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am just not good at pushing myself to get on the treadmill. So instead, I've been hibernating. My cardiac rehab therapy sessions are over, so instead of spending an hour at the hospital working out three times a week, I instead go home and start snacking until I decide on supper.

Plus, I've really fallen out of the habit of tracking my daily "Healthy Checks" on the Weight Watchers app. That whole eight glasses of water/three servings of dairy/five servings of fruit an veggies/two servings of healthy oils has been LONG GONE for me. Instead of eating an apple in the afternoon, I have a cookie. Instead of snacking on cherry tomatoes, I eat Chex Mix.

So today, I'm recommitting. I have a glass of water at my desk (for the first time in a couple months, really). I have two servings of veggies with my lunch. And I'm actually tracking it all. I've just come too far to ruin it all now, so I'm going back to the basics.

I felt terrible last Christmas, but I somehow made it through and kept losing weight, despite the food traps along the way.

Hopefully next week I'll be back under 210 pounds. That would be a nice Christmas present to myself. Much better than another glass of eggnog (okay, maybe not MUCH better, but definitely preferable in the long run!).

Abs of Jelly

It's so awesome to be able to dress my age again. I mean, I'm only 31. I felt like a gross old lady every time I went to work wearing yoga pants (knowing very well that I was NOT going to practice any yoga) and Crocs and cardigans. I spent almost two years in tent dresses and flip flops all summer, then "dress" sweats and baggy sweaters all winter.

This is my first real Fall since so long ago. I can wear real jeans again, and cute, form-fitting sweaters, with fitted jackets and knee-high riding boots. It's amazing.

But as much as I'm loving the ability to wear jeans, I am still facing the problem I've had for years: my Gonzo-nose stomach. Even though I'm smaller now, I'm still virtually the same shape. I have the same lumps and flab, and my stomach is still big and soft. It hangs down (the ultra-embarrassing, often unspoken of, dreaded pannus ::shudder::). It bulges out. And, hardest to conceal, it pooches out right above my bellybutton. If I wear jeans that come to my bellybutton or below, it doesn't matter if they fit me or even if they're too big: my stomach roll sticks out over my pants.

My only solution is to wear pants that come above my bellybutton. Like, mom jeans that come up high and act as a girdle, or maternity-type pants that unfold to form a flat surface up my torso. I do have some Spanx but, let's face it, I'm not putting that much effort into beautifying myself for work. And I have those slimming camisoles that keep everything smooth, but they roll up sometimes and they're just not very comfortable pushing down on my healing heart surgery scars.

While I continue to fight my own battle of the bulge using my wardrobe as a weapon, I'm also fighting on another front: from the inside. I saw some people posting challenges on Facebook and decided to try one. Then...I decided to try another. Now I'm doing two different month long ab challenges, and...I'm secretly loving it!

The first one is the 30 Day Plank Challenge:

The 30 Day Plank Challenge will send your core strength through the roof!
Day 1 - 20 seconds
Day 2 - 20 seconds
Day 3 - 30 seconds
Day 4 - 30 seconds
Day 5 - 40 seconds
Day 6 - REST
Day 7 - 45 seconds
Day 8 - 45 seconds
Day 9 - 60 seconds
Day 10 - 60 seconds
Day 11 - 60 seconds
Day 12 - 90 seconds
Day 13 - REST
Day 14 - 90 seconds
Day 15 - 90 seconds
Day 16 - 120 seconds
Day 17 - 120 seconds
Day 18 - 150 seconds
Day 19 - REST
Day 20 - 150 seconds
Day 21 - 150 seconds
Day 22 - 180 seconds
Day 23 - 180 seconds
Day 24 - 210 seconds
Day 25 - 210 seconds
Day 26 - REST
Day 27 - 240 seconds
Day 28 - 240 seconds
Day 29 - 270 seconds
Day 30 - PLANK FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE!!

It was incredibly difficult at first, since I haven't really ever planked before. I mean, I was shaking and gasping and I didn't think I was going to make it. (To be clear, this is not that cheesy Instagram/Twitter planking thing, where I go balance myself, like, on the railing at Niagara Falls while my girlfriend takes a photo and hopes I don't fall off and die.) Now, on day 7, it's still hard. And every few days it's going to get harder. But my abs feel great, and I feel like I'm actually accomplishing something each day!

The second one is the 24 Day Abs-So-Tightly Right Challenge. This one involves crunches, which aren't so bad, along with leg raises, which was apparently completely impossible for me to do. I tried. I swear I did. But I just can't lift both legs at once. They're pretty big legs, but I still feel like I should be able to lift them. When I try, though, my back starts to arch and then my tailbone grinds into the ground (which is probably not good for my temporarily dormant pilonidal cyst) and I just can't get them to raise off the ground no matter how hard I strain. Instead, I'm making up for it by doing single leg raises, one leg at a time, and I've added side leg lifts because that's what my mom always did when I was little and it just seems like something that should be included in a workout. This challenge also asks you to plank, but I figure I have that covered in the first challenge.

I already feel like I can feel a bit of definition when I put my hands on my hips. And when I roll over on my side, I feel like a little less belly settles down in front of me. I gained weight during my last two weigh-ins, but I do feel stronger and my abs are seriously sore. Something must be working. Maybe by the end of the month, I'll be able to wear pants that don't come up to my armpits.

Tumbling After

I don't want to jinx myself, but I may have knocked my body off its weight loss plateau.

I'll have to wait until my Wednesday weigh-in to know for sure, but I think I'm actually starting to lose again. WHEW. I was getting really frustrated and depressed over my lack of progress for the past month and a half.

My Weight Watchers meeting leader told me to try eating different breakfasts (apparently if you've been eating Yoplait pretty much every single morning for five years, your body gets used to it...who knew?) so I've been making banana berry smoothies and having a Fiber One bar a little later. Plus, I've been trying to get in my daily recommended healthy oil. I don't know why eating more oil is going to help, but if it works I don't care why.

Even if I don't lose this weight (but I seriously fucking BETTER lose this week) I'm still happy:
I rode in a go-kart today WITH a six year old kid and I didn't crush her! After all of my painful and cringe-worthy moments at the amusement park last summer as a result of my weight, I was really nervous about riding the go-karts. I was there with my niece (technically my girlfriend's niece, but I think since my girlfriend and I have been together longer than she's been alive, I have the right to call her my niece. Besides, she's called me Auntie all her life anyway...which I love :)). Her grandparents asked her who she wanted to drive with her since she's not tall enough to ride alone, and I died a little inside when she picked me. I did the usual watch-everyone-in-line-to-see-if-I'm-the-biggest thing. And I pretty much hyperventilated the whole time waiting to board. When we got in the car, though, I was able to fasten the seat belt comfortably and we sat side-by-side without her being squashed into the corner. And since I fit and I was comfortable, it was FUN! Really fun! And all of the pictures everyone took as we whizzed past turned out fine, without my double chin dangling down like a turkey wattle.

On top of that, I've been getting compliments from people this past week and it's awesome. Seeing my family at Easter started off the good-vibey warm-fuzzies week with everyone telling me I look good. My girlfriend commented several times, one of my best friends who only gives compliments rarely and very begrudgingly told me I've obviously lost a lot of weight, and my girlfriend's family was impressed. And then one of my employees sent me a note telling me I look great and to keep it up. I immediately employed my weird compliment-brush-off by complaining about not making any progress for over a month, and she responded with a bit of wisdom that I REALLY needed to hear. I wish I could remember exactly how she phrased it, but it was something like, "Even people climbing Mount Everest stop at base camp along the way."

So maybe this plateau is just base camp. I'm adjusting to the altitude. Now it's time to pack up my shit and move on!

55 Pounds

Got another five pound star today at Weight Watchers!

I hit 55 pounds lost :) Down 2.4 this week, so I'm at 248.8 pounds now down from 304, for a total loss of 55.2 pounds.

I'm glad I'm back under 250 pounds. When I bounced around 249-252 for the past couple of weeks, I was getting pretty discouraged. I was so elated to get down under 250 pounds that I felt like a big failure when I gained again. Now I'm determined to stay under 250 pounds. I just don't want to go back there again.

I've also been failing at the 100 Mile March, but I don't feel as bad about that because, honestly, my stomach is still all crampy and I just don't feel like walking so even the little bit of walking I do at work feels like agony. I'm going to have to go to the doctor if things don't get back to normal soon.

All of that aside, I've been feeling pretty good this week. I went to the movies with my girlfriend, mom, and nephew on Saturday (To see Oz the Great and Powerful, which was totally fantastic! I'm not a huge James Franco fan, but I AM a HUGE Sam Raimi fan--I honestly think he's one of the most brilliant and underrated men in the movie industry--and I swooned to see Bruce Campbell! Bruce looked, well, disturbing as a Winkie, but to me he'll always be Autolycus from Xena and that makes me immensely happy!!!!!).

 God, I fucking love Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell.

I heard that they started a Kickstarter for a Veronica Mars movie, which I didn't watch and don't care about. But I think someone should start a Kickstarter for Xena! Bring back Xena! That would be the most amazing fucking thing ever. It ended way too soon. I mean, Xena and Gabs didn't even officially hook up (unless you believe in fan fiction, which I DO...)

Anyway, I wore my new black cowboy boots (faux leather, of course) with black tights and a dress, and I felt super hot. We rode there in the convertible with the top down, and I felt like a sassy vixen :) At the movies, I crossed my legs comfortably and kept them crossed for most of the film...for anyone else with legs like giant toy water snakes, you know that's an accomplishment. My mom even told me I looked great, WITHOUT saying anything like "You're going to look as good as your sister soon!". That's a big deal for me.

Then on Tuesday...this is a big one...drumroll please...I wore REAL PANTS! Like, real, non-elastic, fastening and zipping pants! Granted, they're a size 24, but I didn't even try them on for the longest time. Wearing any kind of regular pants cut into my stomach and made so much of my fat roll over the top that I looked like a mushroom and I had to wear like three Spanx just to keep my stomach smooth enough to pull a shirt over so it just wasn't worth it at all. Hence my obsession with stretch pants and leggings. But as it turns out, I probably should have tried on the pants a few months ago because they were a little too big for me! So even my skinny pants are getting big :) That's got to be a good sign, right?

And today, after the success of my pants-wearing on Tuesday, I decided to try on my camouflage pants that I've had for over a decade but haven't been able to comfortably wear for the past six or so years. They fit! They totally fit! I'm wearing them right now :) And they fit so well that I'm wearing a fitted black cashmere sweater and there are no rolls in sight!

Tomorrow is my seven year anniversary, so I hope the good vibes continue. I still haven't lived up to my New Years Resolution to get frisky, but now that I'm starting to feel a little more like myself, maybe it's actually in the cards. Well, the gross yeast infection and stomach issues will more than likely stand in my way. But a girl can dream, can't she?

100 Miles

I'm a little bit nervous about what I may have gotten myself into.

I signed up the for 100 Mile March.

Ahh!

Now, it's not exactly 100 miles at once...because then I would just die. But you're expected to walk/run/jog 100 miles throughout the month of March. My company is participating and was asking for volunteers, so I got all optimistic and signed up.

Then I tried to ACTUALLY walk, and now I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do it at all.

There are 31 days in March, so if I walk right around three miles every day, I'll be able to do it.

Unfortunately, there's a huge disconnect between that math and what I can actually do.

I picked up my treadmill from my girlfriend's brother's house (because I obviously was never using it!), plugged it in, and hopped on. I started for the first minute or two thinking "Wow, this may actually be do-able!" By the third minute, I was panting and my lungs were burning, even though I was walking at roughly the same slow pace I'd do strolling through a museum. So slow, but so painful.

By the fifth minute, I was wheezing and if my girlfriend had been able to hear me, I would have called to her to bring me my inhaler.

And by the eighth minute, I couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding through my chest, and my teeth were hurting like I was about to have an asthma attack. I turned off the treadmill and collapsed in the closest chair.

I ONLY WALKED .2 MILES.

NOT EVEN A QUARTER OF A FUCKING MILE.

And I was DYING.

I mean, it's no secret that I am lazy and I hate to exercise. I haven't been able to trust my heart or lungs enough to really do much of anything. I really try to avoid moving at all if I can help it.

But I thought I could at least WALK!

Back before I got sick and had my heart surgery, I would get up in the mornings and go for a nice brisk walk. I was hitting around a 15 to 18 minute mile, depending on how many times I broke into a jog. So when I turned on the treadmill yesterday, I figured it would take me maybe 20 minutes to walk the first mile, and hopefully I could get through three miles in a little under an hour.

WRONG.

If it takes me eight minutes to get through .2 miles, each mile will be 40 minutes. That means I'll have to  spend 120 minutes, or two whole hours, walking every night to do this 100 Mile March.

I just don't know if I can do it.

I'm determined to try, but I'm going to try not hating myself if I can't do it. I'm going to try hard. I haven't been using my daily inhaler with any regularity for the past few months, so I'm going to start using it again. It's not like losing weight is going to regrow my damaged lung tissue. But an inhaler along isn't going to get me through 100 miles.

Tonight, I want to try to hit at least .5 miles. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to do a full mile.

Maybe not, but at least I'll be trying.

So You Had A Bad Day

Feeling better today. Thursday was just a shit day overall (and it didn't help that I forgot to take my Xanax in the morning, and I didn't have any with me...I feel sorry for all of my employees because I know I had my Bitch Face on all day). By the time I got home, I was so run down and weepy that I just took a Vicodan and my Xanax and let my girlfriend bring me black bean roll-ups for supper while pretending nothing had happened.

On top of all the other issues, I was really missing Rob. Someone had posted a note on his Facebook memorial group page, and it sent a new wave a grief over me. I miss him every day, but some days are harder than others. It's been a year and a half since he died, and he's still the only person I yearn to talk to when I'm having issues I don't want to talk to my girlfriend about.

I also must be PMSing because I'm sniffing out chocolate around the house like Toucan Sam with Froot Loops. Plus, I've gained around 6 pounds since weigh-in Wednesday. I did eat a lot Wednesday for my birthday (and drink a lot...although I did count all of my Points) but there's no way I could have eaten enough to gain 6 pounds. I'm blaming pre-menstrual bloat. Otherwise, it's got to be a mystery goiter or something. Ugh.

I'm definitely back over 250 pounds right now, but I'm going to give it a few days before I weigh in again and panic. I just don't need that stress right now.

In other news, I was really good today and only ate a tiny slice of cake at my family birthday party :) I also planned ahead and saved enough Points.

But now I'm hungry again, craving chocolate, and bloated like a hot air balloon. Oh, the joys of womanhood.

Under 250 Pounds...FINALLY!

 

I did it! I am under 250 pounds for the first time in around five years!

This is the best birthday present EVER!!!

I actually took today off for my birthday, but I had my girlfriend bring me to work briefly so I could weigh in at Weight Watchers. I knew I had lost this week (according to my lovely new scale, at least) but I wanted a concrete number before I went out for lunch. I needed to decide if I should have a margarita...well, I'm glad I went because I ordered a large margarita and didn't feel bad about it at all :)

I was down 3.2 for the week, for a grand total of 54.8 pounds lost. That brings me down to 249.2 (from my starting weight of 304 on August 8th, 2012).

I was afraid I would never be under 250 pounds again. For so long, I just assumed that I would always be over the maximum weight limit for everything--lawn chairs, step ladders, inflatable rafts, hammock chairs, ziplines. Now I can officially zipline! I can sit in a lawn chair without feeling like it's going to immediately crumble under my weight! This is AWESOME!

Since my Weight Watcher's goal weight was set at 250, it was time for me to pick a new goal. I thought about 243 because that will be a loss of 20% from my starting weight, but I want to be a little more ambitious (without going too wild!). I set it at 225 pounds. That doesn't feel so far away right now, which is why I think it's a good goal, but it's also a LOT mentally.

I haven't been 225 pounds since the summer I graduated high school. I was at 230 pounds at graduation, started the Atkins diet while I was killing time before college, and I got down to just over 210 pounds. Then college started and, well, the Freshman Fifteen hit me hard. I fluctuated between 220 and 240 for years. If I can get under 225 again, I feel like I can go all the way :)

Oh, and today I saw the girl who inspired me to start Weight Watchers--she hit 125 pounds lost! Hey, I'm almost halfway there!

So Close

Tomorrow is weigh-in. ::Insert dramatic music here::

I don't want to get my hopes up (too late!) but I think I actually lost a couple of pound this week. And a couple of pounds would put me at a 50 pound weight loss! I don't want to get too excited (again, too freakin late) but I MIGHT get my 50 pound token tomorrow to put on my Weight Watchers keyring!

When I checked my bathroom scale, I was at 252.8 pounds. I started at 304 pounds in August. It's been slow going, but I AM still going, which is better than I've ever done in the past.

I wore an off-the-shoulder top to work today and I couldn't stop staring at my clavicle in the mirror. I love being able to see my clavicle. It was buried under inches of fat for way too long. I have a damn fine clavicle if I do say so myself :)

(Oh yeah, and I love saying clavicle. And patella. And xiphoid process. Best-named bones in the body!)

I went overboard on Jell-o shots this weekend and thought I was going to end up gaining weight. From Sunday through today, though, I've been really good about making smart food choices. I even ditched the 100 Calorie Packs for some fat free pudding--one Point lower, and pudding takes me longer to eat than a couple pre-packaged cookies. I've been eating fruits and veggies, drinking plenty of water, and I even made my mashed potatoes with spray butter. I KNOW! I made my girlfriend's full of delicious fatty stick butter, and just used 1/2 tablespoon of real butter in mine. It was still pretty good. Not AS good, but pretty good.

I just want another loss tomorrow. Even if it's just 1/10 pound. I don't want to go back over 260 pounds. I'm so close to losing 50 pounds! I just want to get there. And then get under 250 pounds. And then...well, I'm focusing on tomorrow.

Total Loser

I cannot believe it. I actually lost this week!

I lost 5.6 pounds! And that's even after my all-inclusive (read: all-you-can-eat) vacation :)

I'm now at 255.4 pounds, for a total loss of 48.6 pounds. I'm almost to my 50 pound token from Weight Watchers!

Really, the 5.6 pound loss this week isn't quite as impressive when I remember that I gained 4.8 pounds last week. My ankles were swollen and I was on my period, so the dramatic drop this week is not really so dramatic.

Still, I'm almost to 50 pounds lost! That's pretty awesome.

I moved desks at work today and found a photograph someone had taken in May 2011. This picture is BAD. Like, I had blocked it from my memory because it was so bad. I thought I looked cute that day. I remember feeling pretty and breezy. OH MY GOD. I look like a hippo caught in a shower curtain. I don't know how I ever felt pretty when I looked so obviously horrible.

I can't stand knowing that somewhere out there is another copy of this photo. I mean, when I started Weight Watchers in August 2012, I weighed exactly 304 pounds. That's a lot. I know. I assumed that was my heaviest weight but I hadn't weighed myself in so long, there's no way of knowing. After looking at this picture, I'm positive that I weighed more than 304 pounds. Like 350 pounds. It doesn't seem possible that I could lose almost 50 pounds without knowing or trying
 (especially since I've been fighting so hard to lose the 48.6 pounds I've shed in the past six months) but that picture just cannot be of a girl who weighs  304 pounds. Then again, I'm terrible at guessing weight on myself or on anyone else. So who knows? All I know is this: I looked disgusting, I look much better now, and I never want to look like that again.

On the upside: it makes a good "before" picture!