To Vegan Or Not To Vegan

I've been struggling with a bit of a moral dilemma for a few days, I'm not really not sure what to do.

Bear with me as I try to sort myself out.

I've been a vegetarian for more than a decade now. I gave it up for New Year's one year, so I started January 1, 2003. Never once have I looked back. Sure, I get cravings every now and then for certain things, like popcorn shrimp or bacon (BACON!!!!!!). But I'm usually able to talk myself down from those cravings by either grossing myself out (shrimp=fish=nastyfishysmells, etc) or making a vegetarian alternative (my version of tofu bacon=amazingly delicious!).

One thing I haven't been able to live without is cheese. I LOVE cheese. I've already waxed poetic about my love affair with cheese (and the complete meltdown--shame on my pun--I had when I tried eating fat free cheese for a week.

I was actually a vegan for the first three months after I stopped eating meat, but I survived mostly on beer and sunflower seeds. Not exactly sustainable. I caved, devoured some nachos, and I've been chowing down on cheese ever since then.

It took longer to work milk and eggs back into my diet, and I still wouldn't reach for a glass of milk or a plate of scrambled eggs if there was something more delicious in front of me, but I definitely haven't held back from the milk and eggs. They're on our grocery list every week. I don't think twice before whipping up a quiche, fried egg sandwiches, hard boiled eggs, egg salad, etc. I'm the designated deviled egg maker for both my family and my girlfriend's family, so it's not uncommon for us to get three 18-packs of eggs around Easter and Thanksgiving.

My mornings aren't complete without some light yogurt, too. And I have Smart Ones ice cream pretty much every night. Whipped cream is one of my favorite desserts. I can rarely pass up FroYo in any form.

Which brings me to my struggle: I feel REALLY bad about still eating eggs and dairy. I ignored it for a long time (like, 9 years long...) but then I made the awful mistake of watching Vegucated on Netflix.

Oh. My. God.

I am no stranger to PETA, and I've seen some of the most disturbing animal videos out there. But in Vegucated, when they show the baby chicks being ground up alive...I cant. I mean, I seriously can't. I can't even go there.

So I did the best thing I could--I started researching. I already have a weekly food delivery service, and they offer dairy and eggs that are organic, free range, local, etc. Everything I thought I wanted...until my research commenced. I contacted the dairy farms and the egg producers available through the service, and asked what I thought were pretty simple questions. I mean, these aren't factory farms. I know what goes on there, and I want no part of it. I was trying to talk to the "good guys," relatively speaking.

I asked the dairy farms:

1) I realize this is a dairy farm--what happens to the male calves after they're born, and how long are calves allowed to stay with their mothers after birth?

2) You say the cows are not fed antibiotics. What happens to them when they have an infection?

3) When a cow is eventually unable to produce milk, what happens to her?

The first farm responded:

1) Some of our male calves stay on the farm, to be used as breeding stock, and the rest are sold to other farms, for breeding or meat production. We have relationships with a number of farmers whom we work closely with to pass our calves on to, so we trust that they will be well-cared for.

2) If one of our animals gets an infection, we use natural supplement injections, like Vitamin C, echinacea, and garlic, or external salves to treat the infection. Typically this intervention is sufficient. In the rare case that a cow would need more medical help, we do use antibiotics, but then we sell the cow to another non-organic farm.

3) When our cows stop producing milk we typically use them for the 100% grassfed beef that we sell in our store and cook with in our restaurant.

So that didn't bother me too badly. I understood that this was supplier of meat and dairy, so I expected that they killed some of the cows. No shocker there.

The second farm responded:

1) The calves stay with their mother for about a week after they're born. Male calves are sent to auction.

2) The cows are not routinely given antibiotics, however, if they have an infection they are given antibiotics so that they can get well. Because their milk isn't included with the rest of the milk, they are removed from the milking herd, and milked separately until the infection clears up and the required withdrawal period has passed. The cow is then returned to be milked with the rest of the herd.

3) When a cow has reached an age when their milk production is finished, they go to auction.

Oooookay, well, I don't like the thought of the cows going to auction because I know where they end up. I know how traumatic it is for them to be shoved into a truck (I am definitely one of those people who cries on the highway every time I pass a livestock carrier) and then turned over to some butchers for a devastating death. But...it's a little easier to imagine them going off to a nice little auction, with an old timey caller and some little 4-H kids clutching their money and placing their bids. A total fantasy, I know, but it just seems like having the cow sent off to a euphemistic "auction," I would be oh-so-slightly less directly responsible for the cows dying every time I buy a bottle of milk.

The last dairy was actually a co-op--they responded:

Because organic farmers don’t use certain “tools” like antibiotics to treat illness or artificial growth hormones to increase milk production, animal comfort is the key to their success. Organic farmers must prevent illness and stress on their cows by providing for their nutritional, physical and even emotional well-being. On an organic farm, successfully meeting cows’ needs can mean the difference
between making a living and going out of business.

Cows must have access to the outdoors, sunlight, fresh air, and pasture to graze on fresh grasses. The amount of time depends on the time of year, the weather, the feeding program of the individual farmer and the regional location of the farm. Confinement operations are prohibited in the cooperative. Cows must have clean, dry bedding and cannot be forced to live on concrete. Living quarters must allow enough space for the cow to get up, lie down, groom and interact with other cows, and inhumane practices such as tail docking are not allowed.

Thanks also for your question about what happens to male calves when they are born. In general, dairy farmers would rather have a heifer calf than a bull calf so that they can grow their herd.

Farmers either raise the males as steers for the organic meat market or sell them to other organic farmers that specialize in beef. Like organic milk, organically raised beef also receives a higher price. And, of course, as long as people buy veal, some bull calves will be sent to veal operations. However, we want you to be assured that male calves from the farms in the co-op do not end up in confinement veal operations. There are specific animal care requirements within organic standards that prevent farmers from raising calves in confinement conditions, and because organically-raised calves are more valuable it would not make financial sense to sell a bull calf to a conventional veal operation.

OH HELL NO! They did not just try to justify veal to me! No. No way. Not interested in anything coming from them--the thought of veal makes my stomach churn. Ugh. Too bad, because the beginning of the email was going so well...happy cows, sunshine and emotional well-being...they just totally lost me with the veal.

So the first two dairy options aren't ideal, but they sound a lot better than the last farm. I was hoping to have more luck with the egg farm. I researched their website and then asked:

1) You mention that the hens "arrive" at the farm. From where do your hens originate, and how are they transported?

2) I realize this is also a meat farm, so the female chicks are likely raised for meat. But what happens to the male chicks?
3) You say the hens are not fed antibiotics. What happens to the hens when they have an infection?

Their response:

Thanks for getting in touch. We appreciate your interest in learning more about your food source.

1) Usually the laying hens arrive to us as day old chicks from a hatchery. They are transported through the USPS.

2) The baby chicks come pre-sexed so we receive 95+ percent females. We keep the few males we receive as roosters for the flock. The said truth is that chickens are bred by hatcheries to either be efficient layers or efficient meat birds then the opposite sex is simply disposed of. The only solution is to breed for dual purpose chicken breeds so that females can be used for eggs and males for meat. However, this equates for less efficient production and will mean much higher production cost for both eggs and meat. Unless consumers are willing to pay $6 to $7 per dozen for eggs and $10-$12 per pound of chicken then I cannot raise and sell a dual purpose breed. Would you be willing to pay this much for your eggs and chicken?

3) Chickens with sickness or infection generally is not a problem because of how we raise them. We simply never administer a drug or antibiotic to them.

I gave you an honest answer to your 2nd question. I'd love to get your thoughts as this is a conundrum in our modern food and agriculture system that both consumers and farmers simply want to avoid discussing.

OH JESUS WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! The day old chicks are SHIPPED IN THE MAIL?!?!?! And the "opposite sex" chicks are "SIMPLY DISPOSED OF"?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!?!?!?!? (This is another instance where the use of an interrobang would be immensely helpful.)

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. I can never eat eggs again. Of course, I happened to read this email on my phone while I was getting ready to go into work, so I ended up walking into the office a sobbing, mascara-streaked mess.

DISPOSED OF?!?!

I was so totally sickened.

Listen, I know not everyone is a sappy animal lover. I know for some people, ignorance truly is bliss and they honestly don't want to think about where their meat comes from. But I thought I was doing a GOOD thing by not eating meat! I thought that a decade of vegetarianism was wracking me up good karma points, and I thought that having eggs for breakfast instead of sausage was actually saving animals' lives. I had NO IDEA that my eggs were killing other baby chicks. I thought that, since the eggs were unfertilized and since hens lay eggs all the time anyway, it was like...well...like sperm or something. No harm, no foul. Nothing sacrificed.

I had no clue that every male chick was DISPOSED OF. I feel deceived. I know it's my own fault--I didn't ask the right questions before. The answers were right there, I just needed to ask and I didn't. I lived in quiet stupid complacency and, because of me, little fluffy baby chicks were being ground up like they were nothing at all.

Once I stopped crying long enough to see my screen, I was finally able to answer the question posed in the egg farmer's email. I wrote:

 

Thank you so much for your honest and informative reply. To answer your question, yes, I would be willing to pay $7 (or more) for a dozen eggs if I knew there were no ethical concerns with the eggs or the chicks--but I certainly realize I'm not the average consumer. I've been a vegetarian for more than a decade, and I've been struggling to continue to justify my egg and dairy consumption. The reason I reached out to you and several other farms was because I was hoping to find a local supplier that would allow me to continue eating eggs without sacrificing my passion for the ethical treatment of animals. Unfortunately, I don't think this is possible--eggs are an industry, industries exist to earn money, and, as you said, having dual purpose breeds just doesn't earn enough money.

I would love to have the option of purchasing completely ethical eggs, regardless of the cost. I would be happy to pay $1 to $2 per individual egg just to have a quiche once a week. Again, I realize I'm not the average consumer. I think you'd be surprised to find how many others share my values, however, and I hope that you will take this into consideration.

Thanks again for your honest answers. Farms like yours are a far cry from industrial farms, and I do applaud your efforts. If you have any other thoughts or questions for me, I'd love to hear them.

I haven't heard back.

 

I did find someone just a few streets over who raises chickens in her backyard and sells their eggs. She feeds them organic feed and table scraps, treats them like pets, and doesn't kill any baby chicks. Once I can stomach eggs again, I'll probably go over and pick some up.

 

But my dilemma is this: is it really worth it? Is it really worth the pain I'm causing, just to chow down on eggs and cheese and FroYo? I've really tried to be kind to animals and live my life ethically, so it only makes sense to give up animal products altogether--however, I think giving up cheese is just going to drive me to other unhealthy foods to fill the void. I seriously love cheese. And the three months I was vegan were horrible for me. I have to force myself to eat vegetables, so I basically always hated everything I ate. I don't want to turn to that awful vegan cheese or processed soy hotdogs. I want to continue to have my yogurt and Smart Ones and whipped cream and the occasional egg salad sandwich, but I don't want to cause animals to suffer because of it.

 

I just don't know what to do.

 

I've managed to lose over 50 pounds on Weight Watchers now, and the only week I considered giving up was the one week I was on the Simply Filling plan--that's because I ate only fat free cheese, and it was fucking disgusting. I don't want to give up cheddar. I don't want to cause suffering, but I also don't want to suffer myself. I don't want to sabotage my weight loss efforts by forcing myself into an overly restrictive vegan diet, but I can't crack an egg right now without seeing those little chicks being ground up alive.

 

So what the fuck do I do?

Picture Picture

Wednesday morning was the first time that I did a double-take when I passed the mirror. Despite the disappointment of finding out I gained weight at my meeting, I still feel like Wednesday was a success because I actually looked at myself and thought, "Dang! I look good!" I mean, I was shocked. I can't remember the last time I saw myself in a full length mirror and didn't immediately leap out of view. It was a weird feeling. I grabbed my phone and snapped a shot before heading in to work--where I was told by two people that I looked pretty. Who doesn't like to hear that they look pretty?! What a nice feeling.

Seeing the photo of myself was kind of a shocker. 30 pounds is a lot of weight. I really have lived in stretch pants and oversize shirts for years, so it's not like I've noticed my clothes fitting differently. I could probably pull my stretch pants over the couch and they'd fit. I haven't taken measurements (I just don't want to know how many inches it takes to get around my thighs) so my only real gauge so far has been the number on the scale.

When I was browsing through the Weight Watchers website earlier this week (during my Simply Filling debacle...I was looking for some inspiration to get me through) I began combing through the 100 pound lost stories. It's really nice to see so many people who have been where I am now, and who stuck with it and are enjoying life now 100 pounds lighter.

One of the women encouraged others to take photos along the way, as she regretted not documenting her own journey. I had been planning to eventually take a shot so I could see my progress but I hadn't actually taken one yet. Well, after snapping the picture in the mirror Wednesday, I was halfway to a progress shot. I just needed to find a good (and by good I mean terrible) "before" photo.

Finding a full body photo proved to be a lot harder than I thought--not because I photograph well (I don't.) but because I erase every. single. picture. that shows my full body. I hate looking at myself, and I don't think I've ever seen a full body photo and not gasped and grimaced and said "Ohmygod--doIreallylooklikethat?!"

I found two singular pictures from this year that had escaped deletion--I had to crop Theodore Roosevelt out of the first one (statue in Puerto Rico) and Willie Nelson out of the second (wax museum in Canada). I'm lucky I found either one. The first is from five months before I started Weight Watchers, when I weighed probably around 305 pounds (I started Weight Watchers at 304 pounds on August 8, but I hadn't been on a scale for so long I have no idea how heavy I was in March). The second was taken two weeks after starting Weight Watcher--I hit 298 pounds that week. The most recent photo, the one taken Wednesday, is possibly the first full body photo I've taken on purpose. And I kind of like it.

My Progress:

So, well, it looks like the effort is paying off. Even with a slight gain this week, I can't deny that my body is changing. My stomach is flatter, my waist is smaller, and I feel...almost hot again. It's a damn good feeling.

GAIN!

GGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m SO MAD to find that I gained this week! Only .2 pounds, but still. After this week of pure torture, I really thought I had to have lost, like, five pounds. No such luck. 

 

To be fair, .2 is not that bad. And I’ve been on steroids for over a week, so .2 pounds on steroids is especially not bad. But it’s hard to know that all of my deprivation this week was for naught. This does help reinforce what I suspected though: regular Weight Watchers just works for me. Not Simply Filling, but the regular Weight Watchers. I need to have the freedom to choose what I want to eat, and the limits in place with the Points to make sure I don’t eat too much. I need daily Points and weekly Points so I don’t feel like I’m starving every day. It’s been working well, and I can’t argue with success.

 

I’m ready to start this Weight Watchers week with a new appreciation for the Points I get to use each day. I’ve already gone a little overboard this morning (brunch pitch-in was a terrible idea) but I’m more or less on track for the rest of the day. And I finally feel like I can eat what I want again, so I’m less full of rage! Not totally thrilled since I netted a gain this week, but less rage-y. Less rage is always good.

Hangry

I'm rounding out my Simply Filling week with negative eight Points...actually not as bad as I'd feared. I was okay until this evening--I made pineapple upside down cake for a work pitch-in and convinced myself that I had to sample it. The mini muffin versions were only one Point each but, um, I had four of them. That blew me over my 49 Points for the week. Once I crossed that line, it didn't seem so bad to have a cup of the cold, frothy grape juice in the fridge. Turns out that a cup is four freakin Points. Oh well! It was kind of worth it.

Especially after a week of such deprivation. I don't think I've thought this much about food since, like, the State Fair. Mmm, I love the State Fair. I basically just take a shuttle around and eat for eight hours straight. Not this year, though--it was my first month on Weight Watchers, so watch my weight I did. (I acknowledge that was a terrible pun.) This year, I broke it into two days, ate a filling and healthy supper before going, and tasted (but didn't finish) each dish I couldn't live without. I stayed within my Points for the week and still lost weight at the next weigh in. Score!

That's what I hate about the Simply Filling version of Weight Watchers. If I had been on Simply Filling during the State Fair, I would have blown my Points in one day and then stuck to Power Foods exclusively for the rest of the week. That's just not sustainable for my life. Maybe it's easier for carnivores, since there are plenty of meaty options that count as Power Foods. I get, what? Tofu, beans, and vegetarian patties. I can't stand vegetarian patties. I LOVE black bean burgers, but they're three Points. Seriously! I understand them being three Points on the regular Weight Watchers plan, but I 100% think they should count as a Power Food. If I could have eaten black bean burgers for zero Points this week, I probably could have lived through it without quite so much bitching. Some bitching, yes. But less. And I wish I could have eaten low fat cheese instead of fat free. And wheat bread instead of reduced-calorie bread. Sorry, done complaining again. It's just been SUCH A LONG WEEK. With SO MUCH HUNGER. And anger. And hanger. I hate being hangry. I'm miserable to be around, I'm snappy and grumpy, and I want to smack myself. I'm pretty surprised I didn't get smacked by anyone this week.

We'll see if it was all worth the effort tomorrow when I weigh in. The pitch-in at work is a brunch so it's right before we weigh in--poor planning on my part. Whoops! But  seriously, if I gained this week, I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. So few Points, so much effort! I can't wait to get back on the Weight Watchers I know and love, and put this Simply Filling shit behind me.

Oh, and I'll be off the steroids in just a few days also. And my, er, womanly cycle. So I'll hopefully be back to my normal (albeit hungry) self again shortly. More awesome, less hangry.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow!

Weight Watchers at Work

Still struggling through my final Simply Filling day. Still starving. 

 

One of my coworkers is also doing Simply Filling and I tried asking her how she’s been able to handle it. It turns out that she just doesn’t track anything—she estimates and tries to only eat Power Foods. Well, if I tried to estimate my Points without tracking and measuring, I could easily eat enough for a football team and still pretend like I had 49 Points left for the week. Not that she's cheating herself--I just know myself enough to know that I would absolutely, positively cheat. I'm in no way responsible enough to eat right now without measuring, tracking, and monitoring. I can't be trusted. My brain is too absorbed with food. Which is probably why she is happily chewing a caramel while I’m choking down my burnt 94% fat free popcorn and trying in vain not to think about cheese. 

 

At midnight tonight, I’m officially done with Simply Filling and back to my normal Weight Watchers. Thank goodness! A few more days like this and I would have stabbed someone. 

 

It’s really nice having my coworkers in Weight Watchers with me for the added support, but there are also a few extra challenges. For starters, none of them were really that big to begin with. These are girls who weigh 170 and who are trying to get to 150. I started at 304 pounds and I could still accidentally kill them if I sat on them. They actually joined Weight Watchers before me this time—it’s offered free at work, and we have other incentives (like gift cards) for participating. When they started losing weight after a few weeks, I joined and I haven’t looked back. I love having them here with great healthy snack ideas, Points-friendly contributions for pitch-ins, and for the little extra bit of shame I feel eating bad food in front of them. But, like my girlfriend, they don’t really get it. They’re not fat. They’ve never been fat. They’re fit and getting fitter…I’m fat and getting…well, somewhere. Maybe a little fitter? Sometimes I wish I was in meetings full of people my size, people who know what it’s like to endure the faces of other passengers on planes and busses when you can see them praying you don’t sit down beside them. People who know how it feels to sit through an entire meeting poised uncomfortably on the edge of a chair because you don’t know if it’ll hold you up when you put your whole weight on it. People who have walked into a store and not been able to fit into anything. People who know what it means to have SOCKS that are too tight. Who haven't been able to zipline because no ziplines are safe past 300 pounds. Who love to canoe but can't because the canoe will sit on the rocks. Who pick out glasses based on how much face fat bulges along the sides. Who can only fit one butt cheek into a folding chair at a concert. Who panic when sitting on the floor because there’s not a wall or table nearby to pull themselves up. Who have given up on belts. Who can’t wear jeans. Who cut tags out of shirts so no one will see the size. People like me.


I have a single pair of jeans, and they’re size 26. I haven’t even tried them on in months (although, after losing 30 pounds, they might be more comfortable). When I bought them, I was so ashamed of the size that I was gripped with terror at the thought of my girlfriend seeing the tag. I tore the paper tag up and soaked it in water until it dissolved and I could wash it down the drain. I cut out the fabric tag and snipped it into microscopic pieces, which I then folded into tissue paper, piece by piece, and flushed down the toilet, one at a time. And those were stretchy jeans! When I tried to find some denim shorts for a costume earlier this year, I had gone to the thrift store to find some men’s pants to cut up. I finally found the biggest pants there (size 50 in men’s) and brought them home. I haven’t put on anything that doesn’t stretch in years, so I was completely unprepared for that horrible feeling of pulling up the jeans and not being able to fasten them. Size 50 jeans and I couldn’t wear them. I ended up wearing a dress instead (as usual) and was depressed for weeks. The girls at work could use those pants as a tent, and I couldn’t even stuff my stomach into them. Ugh. 

So when they celebrate milestones like 10% weight loss, it’s after losing 15 pounds…not 30. I’m happy for their support and I’m glad they’re eating right, but I do wish there were more people like me around. Oh well…if I keep working hard at losing weight and working the Plan, hopefully I’ll be like them soon instead!

Simply Filling Sucks.

I totally would have caved today if I knew I wasn't going to be writing or telling anyone about it here! When I woke up, I remembered that today was a baby shower at work, and we were all gathering at a popular local pizza joint for lunch. Talk about a food trap. I was determined to stay strong. I only had seven Points left to complete my Simply Filling Technique week and I was hoping to use those points for my dessert each night. So the pizza place was truly torture. There were baskets of garlicky breadsticks, plates full of dipping sides, and an entire table full of hand-tossed gourmet pizza running with cheese.
 
What did I have? I packed some egg salad and reduced calorie bread, which I ate at my desk before we went to the baby shower/pizza gauntlet. Plus some pomegranate seeds mixed with sugar free Jell-O. Then I had some 94% fat free popcorn, and I was still hungry the instant I walked through the doors into cheese and pizza-scented heaven.

While everyone else passed oozing slices and fragrant breadsticks, I sat there with some cherry tomatoes, an overripe banana, and a clementine on my plate. It was maybe the saddest meal ever eaten at a pizza parlor.

I passed up the cupcakes as well. White and chocolate, with a mountain of blue frosting. They looked wonderful and really triggered my sweet tooth, but I think they were still easier to pass up then the pizza was. Stupid Simply Filling.

 

Tonight I had polenta and veggies with fat free cheese, and a salad with fat free Italian dressing (Still a Point! Grr!) and croutons made from my rosemary bread. I followed it quickly with another Smart Ones sundae, and with my last bite of dessert, my final Points were gone. Damn.

 

I'm still hungry right this minute! I think I could go raid the fridge and eat until I literally exploded. 

 

 

And I don't use the word 'literally' liberally. It feels like I could actually eat until I split through my skin.

 

I read on some Weight Watchers post that members have given themselves an extra seven Points during their first Simply Filling trial. I think that may have to happen--I don't think I'll be very pleasant to be around if I force myself to wait until Wednesday morning to eat anything with any Points value. Maybe I'm not strong enough, maybe I'm not doing something correctly, maybe I'm just too much of a glutton still at this stage to eat only Power Foods, maybe the steroids or Aunt Flo (gross, sorry) or finally feeling better after two weeks of bronchitis are all conspiring to turn me into a carbo-loading eating machine.

 

Whatever the reason, I'm willing to cheat and go over my weekly Points by up to seven if it means I can avoid eating my dog or turning on a small village, zombie-style. I suppose I could have counted all of the cleaning I did this weekend as Activity Points, but I still feel guilty counting Activity Points unless I'm, like, in workout clothes at the gym. Which hasn't happened yet and probably won't until I lose enough weight to be able to workout in public without humiliating myself. So there you have it.

 

Anyway, just one more day and I'll be gifted 43 magical daily Points on top of 49 weekly Points and I'll be so happy I won't know what to eat first!

Thinking About Food

Man, I'm really trying to keep my mind off of food today. I have seven points to get me through Monday and Tuesday, and I've been unintentionally torturing myself all day by watching Christmas movies. All of the cookies and cakes, the baking and decorating, the big meals and steaming bread. Eggnog and hot chocolate and buttery rolls and nutty cheese balls. Mmm. This Simply Filling week is at least making me recognize when I'm missing out on.

In place of the foods I drooled over on screen, I made a big batch of tofu bacon (mostly a Power Food--the bit of maple syrup I add is less than one point) and some cauliflower. I also spent some time organizing the kitchen. I've been spending a lot of time in there cooking, and it makes it so much easier to cook a complex, healthy meal from scratch when the kitchen is tidy enough for me to find everything.

I put my tofu bacon on reduced calorie bread with fat free mayo and fat free bread, and loaded it up with tomato slices. It was actually better than I thought it would be. But I wanted to make something a little more appealing for my girlfriend, so I made some quick pizza dough and baked her a big, cheesy tofu bacon calzone. I stuffed it with three cheeses, brushed it with olive oil, and finished it at the end with some garlic butter on top. It's like I'm living vicariously through the food I make her--plus, I have to work hard to make sure she doesn't lose so much weight that I give up again. If I can't brush my food with butter now, someone should be able to. Yes, I used to brush my food with butter. Not always, but it does make baked stuff twice as delicious. My family cooks like Paula Deen (and I have been to the Paula Deen buffet and waddled out with a purse stuffed full of bread and desserts--it is truly a magical experience). That's the last place in the world I would want to go today with only seven points left! I would probably have a stroke.

Anyway, my girlfriend needs the extra butter so she doesn't waste away.

See, she's one of those natural thin people. I don't understand people like her. If there's a candy bar in the house, it amazes me that she doesn't even think about it. If there's candy in the house, I am pretty much thinking about it until it's gone. She doesn't eat dessert--I don't consider a meal complete until I have something sweet in my mouth. She eats until she's full and then stops--I have never been able to naturally do that. So she doesn't get my weight loss experience, not really. She's incredibly supportive and helpful and amazing, but she doesn't get it.

The hard part about being the one to cook all of our meals is that she eats what I eat. When I start a diet or my meals take a healthier turn, she starts dropping weight like crazy. It's like those weight loss pill commercials--I try and try and try to lose a pound, and she starts shedding fat like a candle melting. She's on medication that boosts her metabolism even more, and she's much more active than I am. It's all extremely discouraging. When I lost a little weight before, I got so impatient that she was losing faster than I was that I totally gave up after a one week setback. I'm not blaming her. I'm just saying: when I change how I eat, she's the one who reaps the benefits first. Being so much smaller anyway, it's obvious when she's dropped five pounds, while I'm having trouble seeing that I lost 30.

So aside from the vicarious pleasure it gives me to bake her up flavorful, cheesy, buttery recipes, it also helps make sure that she's eating more wholesome food without going on a starvation diet. I wonder how other people do it. I can't imagine raising kids and having to choke down fat free cheese on diet bread while they scoop up macaroni and cheese with, like, french fries and milkshakes. I don't know. Whatever kids eat. I just know that my girlfriend's calzone looked a hell of a lot better than my sandwich, but if I can make it until Wednesday on Simply Filling, I'll be extremely proud of myself.

Sometimes testing your own willpower can be useful.

Entertaining Myself with Marcel the Shell

It's after midnight on a Saturday and I don't have enough Points to drink tonight, so how do a hip 30 year old and her equally hip girlfriend party it up? With crafts, of course!

My internet patterns are set back about a decade--I loved back when checking your friends' AIM away messages was the closest thing to Facebook stalking, and I look back on chatrooms with fondness and Twitter with horror--so it's no surprise that I haven't caught on to Pinterest. My girlfriend pins things incessantly, but I just don't understand all of  the pinning and boards. When I feel crafty, I make a craft. Myself. Having a billion tutorials in front of me would be overwhelming, and seeing the other crafters' perfect finished products would drive me nuts.

So please don't judge me if this doesn't look quite right. I didn't have the right kind of shell, but I really wanted to make a Marcel the Shell ornament.

I love him! :)

I think watching the Marcel the Shell video should be mandatory for everyone. He's just so adorable and optimistic. And Jenny Slate is hilarious! It makes me sad that she didn't last on Saturday Night Live--her little F-bomb cost SNL a really awesome cast member. Boo. But then she wouldn't have made Marcel, and the world definitely needs Marcel the Shell.

Anyway, I'm staving off my hunger with pineapple, popcorn, and another Smart Ones as we watch Christmas movies and craft. I'm down to 13 points left to get me through Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. That's a little rough. Now that the weekend's more than half over, I think I can make it...but I definitely do not plan to try the Simply Filling technique again anytime soon. Maybe  if  when I reach my ultimate goal and start maintenance, I'll be able to sustain myself with Simply Filling and it won't feel like such torture. That's a long way off, though. Until then, I'm going to appreciate having Points every day and extra Points through the week, because this experience has taught me that not having them sucks!

Hunger Pangs

I AM SO HUNGRY.

I'm down to 22 points for the week because I can't stop snacking. Seriously, last night I ended up scraping up all of the leftover Bananas Foster I made for my girlfriend and eating it like a creep in the dark (which I counted as two Points, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was more). I snuck a few broken Baked Ruffles and wasn't going to count them until the guilt caught up with me and I counted them as a Point. Then I ate three cups of popcorn at, like, 4am because my stomach was keeping me up. Then I wanted something sweet so I squeezed a big dollop of whipped cream on my finger and ate it--I only counted it as one tablespoon so I wouldn't have to count a Point, but now that the secret's out, I'm going to admit it was more like two tablespoons, which means I'm now down to 21 points. F*CK. I finally knocked myself out with some ZzzQuil and slept until 10am, at which point I woke up even more ravenous. I made us breakfast sandwiches with light English muffins, eggs, and American cheese (two more points), then chugged a glass of skim milk, gobbled down a cup of grapes, popped a few salted cherry tomatoes, and I STILL feel like I'm dying.

 

Seriously, I just want to stuff my face. I want to cram food into my mouth until I can barely swallow, and I want to wash it down with a milkshake and a Pepsi. I can't even imagine how many Points I could attack right now!

 

Simply Filling is NOT working for me at the moment. My girlfriend is at the store right now trying to find me reduced calorie bread (since my delicious bread from yesterday apparently isn't a Power Food), sugar free Jell-O (I have a weird Splenda sensitivity, so she has to hunt down aspartame desserts...great, more chemicals), fat free mayo (we only had low fat, but I need something to mix with my hard boiled eggs to make a Power Food-only egg salad sandwich), and fat free dressing.

Not, mind you, just any fat free dressing. Nope, when I tried to look up fat free dressing on the Weight Watchers app, it showed that only fat free vinaigrette is a Power Food. Guess whose grocery store doesn't have ANY fat free vinaigrette? We have fat free Italian, fat free Catalina, all kinds of fat free dressings. No vinaigrette. She's getting the fat free Italian because it's showing up as zero Points, even though it's not counted as a Power Food. Well, it's zero Points for one tablespoon, 1 Point for two. Fat free vinaigrette...still zero. How crazy is that? The Weight Watchers tracker (which I use most often) says only fat free vinaigrette is a Power Food, but the Weight Watchers Power Food website says any fat free dressing and fat free mayo is a Power Food, while the Weight Watchers Power Food PDF doesn't list either fat free dressing OR fat free mayo in the Power Food list, and neither the old or the new 360 pocket guides list fat free dressing/mayo as Power Foods. Again, this Simply Filling shit is CONFUSING.

With all of these fat free goods, the entire grocery trip is like a shopping spree at the chemical plant. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to count all of the 'natural' ingredients on one hand. I hate loading my body with this many chemicals trying to stay on the Simply Filling plan. Of course, I'm eating plenty of fruits and veggies (begrudgingly), but I don't have that "yay, I'm actually filling my body with delicious whole foods loaded with nutrients!" feeling that I've had the past few months. Now I feel like I'm embalming myself.

Still, I AM planning to stick with it until my meeting. I may be hungry now, but I'm willing to stay with it, if only because I still have more than a week left of my steroid/prednisone treatment to clear up this bronchitis. I don't want to go off Simply Filling and find that I've gained 10 pounds back because of the steroids. (If that happens, will they make me give back the Weight Watchers 10% keyring and 25 pound token I got last week?...I know in my head that they won't, but seeing the keyring/token if I gain back weight is really going to piss me off.)

This starvation better pass soon. It's not fair to completely blame Weight Watchers Simply Filling because there are other factors at play here--the steroids may finally be increasing my appetite as I'd feared, the cold weather is making me feel like hibernating, being at home instead of at work puts all kinds of food options in front of me even though many of them are healthy enough on the regular Weight Watchers tracking, and I think my *ahem* time of the month may be approaching because I keep fantasizing about rivers of chocolate and Snicker bar rafts.

I think I'll try to scrounge up some fruit and whip up a Power Food smoothie before working on some zucchini chips, garbanzo nuts, cauliflower bites (I'll lighten them up and count it as my oil), and some egg salad to get me through this weekend.

If my starvation is from the steriods, I'm going to have to deal with it for another week. Until then, I need to make good choices and keep the damned whipped cream can out of my hands. No, I don't want to get rid of it because whipped cream is one splurge I love to add to my desserts and because it makes me happy. However, I'll try to wait until this Simply Filling torture test if over since I can't spare the Points.

I need this on my fridge as a reminder:

Forget about weekend drinks or Christmas candy...I just want to make it through this weekend without having a Hulk attack, ripping the doors of the pantry and fridge, and stuffing all of the food down my throat with both hands. Back to the kitchen to try to make something that's a Power Food but that actually has real food in it, instead of unpronouncable chemicals and potentially toxic-sounding substitutions for nutrients...maybe then I'll stop being so whiny. I'm getting on my own nerves.

Not-So-Simply Filling

Simply Filling is a lot harder than it sounds.

Especially if you're a vegetarian who doesn't like vegetables.

I'm struggling today with sticking to the Weight Watchers Simply Filling technique. I felt a lot better about things yesterday. I am determined to keep up with Simply Filling until my meeting next Wednesday, but Wednesday seems a loooong time away right now!

I thought I had a great Power Food supper planned--butternut squash soup with rosemary bread. I attempted to make the bread into a Power Food by swapping out 3/4 of the white flour with white wheat flour, and by using olive oil spray. It was definitely delicious, but I didn't realize until I tried tracking the meal that the bread isn't technically a Power Food.

Bummer. But it WAS really good! And I liked making my own bread and knowing everything that went into it. Worth the effort and the points, but it won't work this week for Simply Filling.

I've been scouring the internet for a solution, but it seems like the only reduced calorie breads that count as Power Foods are commercially prepared. That's because the calories are swapped with scary sounding chemicals. How disappointing. I made the bread in hopes of using it for tofu sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches, and croutons this weekend. Now I can, but I have to count each slice as two points. Le sigh.

After the two slices of bread and a Smart Ones Chocolate Chip Sundae tonight, I'm now down to 27 points left for the week. 27 points doesn't amount to much when I'm trying to make them last until Wednesday. It leaves me wondering if I am eating enough anyway. I'm pretty hungry. Or a lot hungry. I glanced in front of me and thought for a second that I had a bowl of cheesy, gooey, crunchy nachos in front of me--then I realized it was a bowl full of torn and empty pomegranate peels. What I wouldn't give for a big ass bowl of nachos right now. Sure, I could go make some, but then I'd have no points left for the week and I might become stabby. No one needs that.

The Smart Ones was totally worth the four points, by the way. I love these things. I know I can't depend on these junk food-type snacks, but they keep me from feeling deprived. And they're just so good!

Oh yeah, before my nacho tangent I was saying I thought I may be eating too little. For comparison's sake, I plugged my food from today into SparkPeople and was told that I had eaten 920 calories out of a recommended 1440-1790. That doesn't seem right. I'm still tracking the measurements of my food for Weight Watchers so I can look back and see what worked and what didn't, so I know I measured accurately. It just doesn't seem like I should have used 8 points of my weekly Simply Filling points today when I've only eaten 920 calories.

I'm hungry. And I'm not sure if these 27 points are going to get me through the weekend, let alone until my next meeting. And I really, really want some nachos.

The Food Trap

It's day two of my Simply Filling week and it's actually going alright. I was lazy with lunch and had reheated broccoli cheese casserole (6 points, leaving me with 39 points for the week), but I managed to have a Power Food-only supper and I'm satisfied. Well, for now...I'm sure I'll still have some kind of dessert. Old habits die hard!

Really, though, I guess I can only hope that supper counted as a Power Food. I'm still a little unclear on the Simply Filling rules, so I'm not sure if the two teaspoons of olive oil make the cauliflower a non-Power Food. So confusing.

Eating right at work was fine--apart from the casserole--because I just brought nothing but fruits and veggies and light yogurt.

Then I almost derailed completely when I encountered what I'm pretty sure is my biggest trigger ever--my parents' house. Wow. I stopped by for a little while after work and I had to fight SO HARD not to go straight to their junk food drawer. They have an entire drawer in the kitchen full of the most wonderful candy and chocolate. Hershey Nuggets, Snickers, gummy bears, fruit snacks, oatmeal cream pies, chocolate covered peanuts...all of my weaknesses. That's usually my first stop at their house. Then I check the jar next to the microwave to see if it's full of Plain or Peanut M&Ms. If they're Plain, I'll grab a few. If they're Peanut, I'll grab as many as I can fit into my hand (and maybe an extra mouthful too). God, I love Peanut M&Ms. They also keep chocolate chip cookies in the cookie jar at ALL times. And today, they also had two bags of those chocolate chip cookies from McDonald's that were still warm and smeary with chocolate. You know, the cookies that are so greasy and delicious, they taste like they've been fried for a few seconds. They smelled so good.

But I did not have a single thing. Nothing. My mom had a bag of Cadbury chocolate hanging out of the side pocket of her purse. (Not a snack bag, either--like, a legitimate BAG of chocolate. Yes, my mother is diabetic, something that terrifies me. I obviously come from a long line of women who make healthy food decisions. My grandmother is somewhere around 460 pounds, but that's a story for another day.) Plus, there was an extra bag of Christmas Peanut M&Ms on the table. Oh, yeah, then she gave me a chocolate Advent calendar (six days into December, so a calendar with six pieces of chocolate demanding to be eaten).

Still, I didn't have anything. I don't know if I've ever gone over there without taking at least a fistful of cashews, a swig of pre-mixed chocolate milk, a chunk of cheddar or Colby, an ice cream sandwich, or some buttery crackers with Easy Cheese. They have all of my favorite comfort foods, and they have them all the time. It's honestly like being in a trap with everything I crave but know I shouldn't have.

It doesn't help that the kitchen is the center of their home, both literally and figuratively. It's the central location, it's where everyone goes to visit. I'm already dreading Christmas over there, which is just like a smorgasbord of deliciousness. We stand at the bar, surrounded by food, and I'm supposed to resist all of the temptation right at my fingertips?

I did resist, and I'm glad. I came home and ate a really healthy supper (steamed broccoli with tomato sauce, onions, garlic, basil, and fat-free mozzarella, sauteed and then baked with a little more fat free mozzarella on top; I served the veggie casserole with crispy cauliflower bites and I'm still full). My girlfriend ate the Advent chocolate, and all was well. But being at my parents' and working so hard not to snack dredged up some pretty shameful memories that I hate thinking about. My cheeks stuffed like a chipmunk full of chocolate or gummy candy, spraying whipped cream onto oatmeal cream pies and trying to shovel it all into my mouth before anyone came home, stealing candy bars or Little Debbie's one at a time to minimize the chance of anyone noticing.

I'm proud of myself for staying on Plan today. And I'm proud of myself for losing 30 pounds, even though I still feel so huge. And I'm proud of myself for being proud, instead of feeling deprived or bitter about missing out on all the chocolate.

On that note, I think I might have some fruit for dessert instead of a Smart Ones. Ha, just kidding, I totally want the Smart Ones. But I'll still have 35 points for the week, so screw it :) I resisted enough today!

Keyring, Token, 360...Oh My!

Many small successes today :)

Although I was scheduled to be in a two hour meeting during my Weight Watchers weigh-in, I managed to sneak out and run the half block to weigh in. Yeah, I RAN. I have not run more than two steps at a time for several years. Between my malfunctioning heart, my asthma, my COPD, and my weight, I haven't even tried to move quickly. And to top it all off, I'm still recovering from bronchitis!

Granted, what I call running, anyone watching would probably call "flailing and wildly lumbering". Well, they can suck it. I ran, dammit!

I burst into the meeting about half an hour into it, and I'm very grateful that the 360 plan started today because our meetings rarely last a full half hour. I stripped off my oh-so-heavy glasses, work lanyard, and earrings, and climbed on the scale.

Down 3.8 pounds!

I honestly don't know how that's possible. But it's true! That brought my grand total loss to 30.6 pounds.

Which means...I also reached my 10% goal today!

Keyring=awesomeness.

When I mentioned earlier that I had earned my 25 pound token, I should have elaborated that I earned it but my leader didn't have 25 pound tokens on hand last week. She had offered to give me a 75 pound token and then trade me back, but since I didn't have a keyring yet, I declined and told her I'd just grab it this week. I'm so pumped that I got both at the same time, so now no one else has to know that I earned the 25 pound token before I hit 10%. Whew. Yes, I realize that other people can probably guess that I'm still over 250 pounds, but I'd rather pretend they don't know. Now I can show off the keyring and token proudly. Very happy.

Because I had to run (well, okay, this was more like power walking) back to the other meeting, I didn't get a chance to ask or learn anything about the 360 plan. But I did get the packet and I'm excited to go through everything in detail. I love having new stuff to read :)

Now I'm officially down to 273.4 pounds, and I had to set a new goal since I hit my 10%. I decided on 250 for now--baby steps. I don't want to get too discouraged, and I figured that 250 is a good goal...plus, when I get there, I can finally buy a new scale without worrying how high it registers.

After all the excitement of getting my shiny new keyring and token, I felt pretty prepared to start the Simply Filling plan today. So far I have eaten only Power Foods today (I changed supper to a baked potato and corn with spray butter, along with a light English muffin topped with garlic powder, spray butter, and fat free cheddar--which, I admit, was actually pretty freakin delicious, even though I abhor fat free cheese). I'm about to go grab a SmartOnes chocolate chip sundae, which will still leave me with 45 points for the week.

Not a bad start for my Weight Watchers Simply Filling week!

Double Booked

I just checked my calendar for tomorrow and realized I'm not going to make it to my Weight Watchers meeting. Boo! I may have to sneak out of my other meeting to weight in. As for getting my Simply Filling questions answered, I think I'll dig through some member posts. I hate reading through posts. Seriously, I can start out looking for one topic and then it's like the Wikipedia Syndrome: see another interesting link/topic/whatever and then get sucked into the abyss for an hour. Same with YouTube. I started watching one video while I was home sick yesterday, and ended up two hours later watching Russian newscast outtakes (no, I don't speak Russian).

I really want to weigh in tomorrow so I'll have a more accurate assessment of what the steroids are doing to me (besides supposedly helping with my bronchitis). Our bathroom scale is, like, 15 pounds off. After my Wednesday meetings I usually come home and try to recalibrate it so it at least shows close to what I had weighed that day...but I don't think it works. Right now, the 'zero' is at 12 pounds. Stupid. And I have no idea if the doctor's scale yesterday was off or not. I've never gone to a meeting other than my Weight Watchers At Work meetings, so I'd feel super awkward going to a different place.

Looks like I'll have to wait until next Wednesday to see my 'roid damage!

 

I know I should just invest in a new scale but a) I don't want to get into the habit of compulsively checking my weight five times a day, which I know would happen because it's happened before, and b) I'd like to be able to walk in to the store and buy whatever scale I want, but many of them only go up to 250 pounds. That still feels really far away (okay, it IS still really far away), and I don't want to explain to my girlfriend that I can't get a certain scale because it can't accommodate someone my size. I like to believe she has no idea I'm over 250 pounds, let alone was so recently over 300 pounds. Is that something other people can tell? I'm terrible at guessing other people's weight, and terrible at comparing my body to others'. Now I just assume I'm about twice the size of everyone else in the room, which is probably pretty accurate.

It seems funny that I'm so bad at visually weighing people, or comparing their bodies to mine, when I've been doing it for so long. I distinctly remember standing in line in the hallway as a kindergartner, and watching a chubby first grader at the drinking fountain. I was trying to figure out if I was as big as her, or how much bigger she was than me, and if other people saw me the same way that I saw her. Do all kids think about that shit? That's terrible. Geez. Or do just girls think about it? Maybe just girls with younger, thinner sisters. First born girls with a competitive zeal and major insecurities. Maybe just me? I hate to think of kindergartners today sizing themselves up...but I imagine that a lot has changed in the quarter of a century since I was a kindergartner, and I bet it's even worse now. Man, that's a depressing thought.

Almost as depressing as being sick for a full week, and realizing I'm possibly going to miss my weigh in tomorrow! Oh well...I had an awesome dinner of low-fat homemade tiropita, Greek potatoes, and some mini apple pies for dessert (just a single sheet of phyllo dough, which I'd counted with my tiropita, cut into tiny squares, tucked into mini muffin tins, filled with applesauce, topped with stevia and cinnamon, spritzed with spray butter, and baked...SO GOOD). And I finally have some good cough suppressant. Time to watch Miracle on 34th Street and get excited to start my Simply Filling week tomorrow!

Simply Filling?

In an effort to avoid my predicted prednisone weight gain, I'm thinking of switching to the Simply Filling plan on Wednesday. That's my next weigh-in and it'll give me a chance to ask my leaders a few questions first. Like: Do veggies still count as Power Foods if I cook them with the suggested daily two teaspoons of olive oil? The books say that anything cooked with non-Power Foods must be detracted from my weekly points. And does the 360 plan still include the Simply Filling option? I assume so, but I haven't taken the time to check yet. If I make a sandwich with Power Foods and non-Power Foods, is nothing in the sandwich a Power Food? So many questions! 

I'm trying to plan ahead so I can make it through a week of Simply Filling without going crazy/being a jerk to everyone/locking myself in a cabinet and devouring chocolate chips and frosting and sugar until I explode.

I already plan my meals a week in advance. I'm signed up for an organic food delivery service, so I know on Thursday what fruits and veggies are being delivered the following Friday. When I get my email on Thursday, I start building my meals and exchanging the items in the bin with other seasonal produce.

I make a (short) list of the other groceries we need, and then everything's mapped out for the following two weeks. Since I'm in charge of the cooking, we're both vegetarians, and I'm able to figure out the point values of the meals a full week in advance, planning ahead isn't a problem for me.

The issue is that I am constantly fighting my inner cheesetarian. I love cheese. Like, I LOVE it. If I could eat cheese for every meal, every day, I totally would. Cheddar, Colby, Blue, Mozzarella, Gouda, Brie, Gorgonzola, Provolone...any type of cheese.

Wait, that's not true. I do NOT like fat free cheese. I loathe soy cheese. I detest low-fat string cheese. So apparently I only like the most fattening cheese I can find. I knew this already. I think the 25+ pounds I've lost so far have all been attributed to cheese. I went from eating easily a cup of cheese a day (Recipe calls for a half cup? Hmm, two bulging fists full ought to do it!) to actually measuring out reasonable portions. UGH. I had totally forgotten what 1/4 cup of shredded cheddar looks like. It looks like what I used to eat while I was cooking the real meal. So depressing. And which cheeses are Power Foods? Yep...fat free cheeses. Despicable. I hate how they melt, I hate how they feel, and I hate how they taste. But if I want to eat anything delicious, I'm going to have to learn to enjoy fat free dairy products because otherwise, every recipe I make will count against my weekly points. UGH AGAIN.

So far I'm planning to make baked potatoes with spray butter, corn with spray butter, and a salad on Wednesday. Thursday will be soup (I chop up the leftover veggies from the delivery service, mix in a box of their organic vegetable broth, and then immersion-blend the hell out of it with a bunch of spices--it helps free the fridge before the Friday delivery). I may attempt some homemade bread if I feel better by then and this bronchitis isn't making me cough all over everything. Friday will be some kind of Italian-style tomato and broccoli bake with fat free mozzarella (UGH) and maybe some awesome cauliflower poppers (I only use two tablespoons of olive oil instead of 1/4 cup, and I prefer to call them "cauliflower bites" because "poppers" just makes me want to sink my teeth into a cheesy fried jalapeno popper...yum). Saturday will be tofu bacon and avocado sandwiches with potato wedges (I know avocados aren't a Power Food, but we need to use them and they're so delicious), Sunday will be ratatouille (again with the fat free mozzarella), Monday will be...well, I think I need to figure out a little more about the Simply Filling plan before I decide on any other recipes. I might be out of points by Monday. Who knows?

I just really hope this prednisone doesn't mess with me too much. I'd hate to have such a setback right before the holidays. It's going to take a lot of willpower to get through Christmas (I might love candy as much as I love cheese--it's a close call) and I want to be in a good place leading into it.

Great, now I'm stressed out and I really want a jalapeno popper. That means it's definitely time for bed!