I AM GROSS.
Okay?
I admit it. I do gross stuff. I eat gross things. And I really, really like to poop.
If that grosses you out, you should probably stop reading right here.
I haven't always loved pooping. In fact, I never used to think about it at all. I would poop once, maybe twice a day, and go about my *ehrm* business. Never paid it much mind, as they say.
That was before the Great Constipation Event of 2013. You know, when I ate box after box of Fiber One Bars and completely stopped pooping. It was horrible. I never really wished for poop before then. I had never once hoped for a bowel movement. I reached a new low.
Then, I had heart surgery and things got a little weird in my intestines. I don't know if it was the pain killers or what, but I went from being a daily plopper to a cross-your-fingers-today-is-the-day gross old lady straining on the commode. Not at place I thought I'd be at 31 years of age. I started taking Milk of Magnesia once a week or so (okay, every Tuesday right before my weigh-in on Wednesday) to help clear out my system, but it never seemed to work that well. I still felt all bloated and blocked up.
Recently, I rediscovered what my friends used to call "Poo Poo Tea." It's this Super Dieter's Tea and I had tried it a few times back when we were doing a weight loss challenge at work. This was maybe 10 years ago, and I managed to go from 235 pounds down to 228 pounds. That was a big deal at the time. It didn't last long before I gained it right back, but the one additional thing that I gained from that experience was the knowledge that "Poo Poo Tea" will turn a normal person's gut into a boiling river of hot diarrhea lava. I never knew seemingly benign tea, something so weak and flavorless that I never drank in any version, let along shit-inducing varieties, could wreak such havoc on your digestive track. I had maybe two mugs full back then and never tried it again. Until two or so weeks ago, that is. I bought a box on Amazon, cleared my schedule for 24 hours, and prepared to be amazed at the volume of feces exiting my colon. Unfortunately, not much happened. A little gurgle, a little tummy cramping, and then a decent but solid stool the next day. Hardly the apocalyptic anal nightmare I was expecting. But I was still happy SOMETHING came out.
So when the reviews for the Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears went viral (the Amazon reviews are here) I was crying and howling with laughter while also thinking, "Hmm...wonder if they really work...?" So while everyone else I know was sharing the hilarity of the comments and taking pity on the consumers, I was clicking "Buy Now!" and hoping the 2 day Prime shipping got them here before my next weigh-in.
They got here, indeed. And passed right through!
I ordered the one pound bag and carefully portioned out 12 bears. To me, they were indistinguishable from the regular Haribo bears. They were awesome. I LOVE gummy bears. I love all candy (except orange candy...or Tootsie Rolls...so obviously I picked out the orange ones). It was really hard to only eat 12 gummy bears. I don't think I've stopped at 12 bears in my whole life. I waited eagerly for the trumpeting gas, the "Niagara Falls through a straw" effect, the total colonic cleanse. Unfortunately, I got a couple gurgles and that was all.
Then my girlfriend started having major stomach pain (she did NOT have the gummy bears). I drove her to the hospital and we got checked in to the ER. That's when my stomach started feeling...well...I was just very aware of my digestive system. A little crampy, a little pressure, a few funny squishy noises. This was around three hours after eating the bears.
We were in the ER most of the night--it turns out she had a really bad kidney stone, which she's never had before. I kept going to the bathroom but not GOING to the bathroom. A little gas (some of it pretty loud) but that was it.
When we got home this morning, I ate another 12 bears. It was around 12 hours after the first handful. This time, I finally started to feel things moving along. I went to bed for a few hours and when I woke up I ate another 8 bears. Within the hour, I was in the bathroom, making progress for the first time in three days! It was great! Nothing loose as reported in the reviews (or, more accurately, no "chocolate rain" as they described it) but a respectable amount.
I weighed myself before and after my bathroom trip: two pounds down!
This afternoon, I'm still a little gassy and I actually feel like I might go again. Here's hoping--I have weigh-in tomorrow, so it would be really nice to empty out a little more of my intestines!
I was really hoping for a more dramatic effect, but I have to say that this is a MUCH more delicious way to get things moving. No more Milk of Magnesia--I just need some sugar free gummy bears and I'm golden! This might become my new pre-weigh-in ritual.
(I am sad that I am so excited about pooping. But I had to share.)
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