Zoloft Is Making Me Fat (...Maybe?)

I've ALWAYS been anxious. My parents have videos of me as a kid playing on a swing set, chattering about my fears. "What if I fall off and someone steps on me and my leg breaks off and then someone trips over it and breaks their head open and then I try to stand up and break my head open and we die?" "What if we're driving and an electric pole falls and hits the car and smashes us and we all die?" "What if I push the glider too hard and it comes and slices my head open and I fall down and a worm crawls into my head and lives there?"

I've dealt with my anxiety in a number of ways. When I was younger, I just cried a lot and freaked out all the time. In college, I used drugs and alcohol to help self-medicate. After the fire that burned down my dorm (with me in it), I was sent to a therapist who put me on Paxil. I only took that for a little while (it made me black out all the time when I drank, and I wasn't willing at the time to give up drinking). After my open heart surgery, I was put on a low dose of Xanax. For the last 6 or so years, I've taken a low dose of Xanax daily, but it's lost its effectiveness over the years. I mean, it didn't really REALLY help much anyway, but I guess it made me feel better. Anyway, I had to go in for a refill last month and my doctor decided to try putting me on something else.

My doctor (actually, she's a nurse practitioner but I've never met the doctor) told me that Zoloft would be a good choice for me, as the side effects aren't horrible and it's not addictive like Xanax. Being the anxiety-filled freak I am, I immediately started Googling side-effects and was horrified by the staggering volume of complaints linking Zoloft to weight gain. I almost didn't even fill my prescription. I was freaking out. But I decided to try it anyway. When I was on steroids back when I first started Weight Watchers, everyone said I would gain weight but my doctor said it was because of increased appetite, and as long as I watched my eating I wouldn't gain. The steroids messed me up a little, but she was right--I didn't gain any weight.

So when I started the Zoloft I figured I would just keep tracking like always, and I increased my activity a little. The weather's been nice so I've been walking more than ever, I've been working in the yard, taking long walks at work during lunch, swimming, dancing, moving all I can. I've also been eating fine. I mean, I'm still always hungry, but I'm tracking everything and working hard to stay under my Points.

But I FUCKING GAINED. And when I groaned on the scale, saying "I did everything right! I should have lost! Maybe it's the Zoloft..." my Weight Watchers meeting leader immediately agreed. She said she's seen too many people gain weight on Zoloft. Other people started chiming in--"It made me a fatty!" and "Stop taking it right now!"

I gave myself a few weeks to feel the effects, and I actually really liked what Zoloft did for me (it didn't help my anxiety so much, but it did keep my temper under control and made my reactions to things a little less extreme). I just couldn't deal with the weight gain. I was on Zoloft to help alleviate my anxiety, and gaining weight increased my anxiety exponentially. Not great.

So I talked to my doctor but now, as of yesterday, I'm weaning off the Zoloft and onto Lexapro.

We'll see what happens. But I will totally be stressing out about it, just FYI.

I Work Out (No I Don't)

There's something I'd like to share: I am lazy.

Seriously, I'm super lazy. Always have been. When I was in third grade, I would sit down in the middle of the soccer field and search for four leaf clovers. When I was in softball through elementary and middle school, I was the catcher so I wouldn't have to walk anywhere (I was a terrible catcher. I don't know why they let me do it. I would squat there, chewing sunflower seeds, halfheartedly tossing the ball back to the pitcher. By the end of the inning, the pitcher was always worn out from retrieving my errant balls and my sweaty face mask would be dotted with sunflower shells. Oy.)

My favorite part about any of the sports my parents forced me into was always, ALWAYS the snacks. Little Debbies, fruit snacks, Hi-C, Squeeze-its...they totally made it worth suffering through one crappy game after another. The entire time I was shuffling up and down the basketball court or relaxing in the dugout, I was fantisizing about the candy the parents would pass out when we were done. Working out was awful, but the candy reward got me through.

As an adult, I am even lazier. I ask my girlfriend to get everything for me. I have to sit down if I walk more than half a block. At Disney World, I had to have the next bench or low wall in sight before I waddled any further. Last year, I had to leave a haunted house through the emergency exit, not because I was scared but because I was so out of breath I thought I was going to pass out. Between my non-functioning heart valve and the chronic lung problems that began when I got sick in 2007, I have a good excuse to be lazy, and I pull the "heart problem card" all the time. I have my employees pick up papers from the printer for me, I make excuses to get out of meetings on the third floor because I don't want to climb the stairs, and I have even put off going to the bathroom because I didn't want to walk that far.

Seriously. So lazy.

Yes, the sloth is my spirit animal.

So one of the things that makes me nervous about Weight Watchers is the activity portion. I know that one of the major components of staying on Plan is to add activity to my life, but I have avoided it at all costs. I feel like I can't work out. I self-diagnosed myself as exercise intolerant. It's just laziness, but I don't trust myself to do too much.

One major scare a few years ago, the year after my open heart surgery, really made me never want to work out or increase my heart rate again. I had taken a tour of Mammoth Cave and we were on our way out. The exit required a trek up exactly 440 stairs--before we even hit the stairs, I was already out of breath, heart racing, and the very last person in the group except for the guide who was turning off lights behind me. I started up the stairs and barely made it a quarter of the way before I stopped, my legs quivering, pouring sweat. I began having my first true asthma attack...and guess who hadn't brought an inhaler? The asthma attack was bad enough, but looking up the remaining stairs made me want to die. The group slowly disappeared out into the sunlight and I was left with my nervous girlfriend and a guide urging me on. I got up another quarter of the way and then stopped and truly started to freak out. There was no other way out but up, and those two were NOT going to be able to carry me. Sooo...my asthma attack turned into a panic attack, and I was then convinced I was having an actual heart attack. I was so scared.

I was crying by then, shaking, and absolutely humiliated. I eventually made it up the stairs, one at a time, and had to make the ultimate walk of shame to the bus where the entire tour group was staring at me. Of course, I had to shoehorn myself down the bus aisle and I knew my face was a gross combination of green, gray, white, and bright red. I can't think of a time I was more embarrassed. That experience left me terrified of having another episode like it, so from that moment on I avoided all physical activity at all costs, particularly activity where I knew I'd be stuck if I couldn't go on (like hiking, which I love). And the longer I avoided moving, the less I began to move. By the time I started Weight Watchers, I was coming home and sitting on the couch for an hour before cooking supper, and then sitting on the couch for several more hours while my girlfriend got me drinks, food, and whatever else I needed. I pretty much only stood up to go to work or use the bathroom.

I'm extremely happy to say that things are changing.

It started when I was on the steroids--I had insomnia for several days, and instead of watching the television all night, I started cleaning. I organized cabinets, folded laundry, collected items to donate, sorted through junk drawers, and did everything I'd been putting off for years. I figured it was only because of the steroids but...well...I haven't stopped. I'm sleeping normally again and I've been off the steroids for a week, but instead of coming home and turning on the television, I'm straighting up the house, playing with the dog, or finding something to tidy up or repair.

This weekend, we went to an outdoor Christmas event and I didn't sit down once. I wandered along the canal and went into stores, when just months before I would have preferred to sit on a bench while my girlfriend walked around. On Sunday, I suggested we go to a Christmas display at the art museum and I walked so quickly through the grounds that my girlfriend struggled to keep up. Tonight, I went downtown and actually walked three blocks to meet up with my family, and then walked around for a little while, and then walked back to my truck--I NEVER would have agreed to do that before! I guess it's true what the commercial says: a body in motion stays in motion (yes, I realize that's a law of physics and not just a commercial). I'm definitely in motion.

And possibly even cooler? I haven't used my inhaler for weeks. I usually take a daily inhaler and then carry another one for emergencies--I stopped using both. I carry them in case I need them, but I have been walking around like a normal, healthy person and I haven't used an inhaler! Do you know how huge that is for me?!

Even though I don't see myself ever joining a gym (just the thought makes me anxious) or jogging around outside, I don't think I need traditional exercise to move more. I AM moving more. I'm walking, I'm going to events, I'm doing more now than I ever thought I would again. I had almost resigned myself to a life like the mom in What's Eating Gilbert Grape (I do need to talk about my grandmother at some point...I love her so much but ending up like her is my worst nightmare) so it feels incredible to finally get out and enjoy life. By the spring, maybe I'll even feel confident enough in myself to go for a hike--that would make me so extremely happy. No matter what the scale says tomorrow at weigh in, I am proud of myself. I feel like I'm slowly reclaiming my life, and it's awesome.

Plus, it doesn't hurt that the house is finally clean!

Hangry

I'm rounding out my Simply Filling week with negative eight Points...actually not as bad as I'd feared. I was okay until this evening--I made pineapple upside down cake for a work pitch-in and convinced myself that I had to sample it. The mini muffin versions were only one Point each but, um, I had four of them. That blew me over my 49 Points for the week. Once I crossed that line, it didn't seem so bad to have a cup of the cold, frothy grape juice in the fridge. Turns out that a cup is four freakin Points. Oh well! It was kind of worth it.

Especially after a week of such deprivation. I don't think I've thought this much about food since, like, the State Fair. Mmm, I love the State Fair. I basically just take a shuttle around and eat for eight hours straight. Not this year, though--it was my first month on Weight Watchers, so watch my weight I did. (I acknowledge that was a terrible pun.) This year, I broke it into two days, ate a filling and healthy supper before going, and tasted (but didn't finish) each dish I couldn't live without. I stayed within my Points for the week and still lost weight at the next weigh in. Score!

That's what I hate about the Simply Filling version of Weight Watchers. If I had been on Simply Filling during the State Fair, I would have blown my Points in one day and then stuck to Power Foods exclusively for the rest of the week. That's just not sustainable for my life. Maybe it's easier for carnivores, since there are plenty of meaty options that count as Power Foods. I get, what? Tofu, beans, and vegetarian patties. I can't stand vegetarian patties. I LOVE black bean burgers, but they're three Points. Seriously! I understand them being three Points on the regular Weight Watchers plan, but I 100% think they should count as a Power Food. If I could have eaten black bean burgers for zero Points this week, I probably could have lived through it without quite so much bitching. Some bitching, yes. But less. And I wish I could have eaten low fat cheese instead of fat free. And wheat bread instead of reduced-calorie bread. Sorry, done complaining again. It's just been SUCH A LONG WEEK. With SO MUCH HUNGER. And anger. And hanger. I hate being hangry. I'm miserable to be around, I'm snappy and grumpy, and I want to smack myself. I'm pretty surprised I didn't get smacked by anyone this week.

We'll see if it was all worth the effort tomorrow when I weigh in. The pitch-in at work is a brunch so it's right before we weigh in--poor planning on my part. Whoops! But  seriously, if I gained this week, I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. So few Points, so much effort! I can't wait to get back on the Weight Watchers I know and love, and put this Simply Filling shit behind me.

Oh, and I'll be off the steroids in just a few days also. And my, er, womanly cycle. So I'll hopefully be back to my normal (albeit hungry) self again shortly. More awesome, less hangry.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow!

Double Booked

I just checked my calendar for tomorrow and realized I'm not going to make it to my Weight Watchers meeting. Boo! I may have to sneak out of my other meeting to weight in. As for getting my Simply Filling questions answered, I think I'll dig through some member posts. I hate reading through posts. Seriously, I can start out looking for one topic and then it's like the Wikipedia Syndrome: see another interesting link/topic/whatever and then get sucked into the abyss for an hour. Same with YouTube. I started watching one video while I was home sick yesterday, and ended up two hours later watching Russian newscast outtakes (no, I don't speak Russian).

I really want to weigh in tomorrow so I'll have a more accurate assessment of what the steroids are doing to me (besides supposedly helping with my bronchitis). Our bathroom scale is, like, 15 pounds off. After my Wednesday meetings I usually come home and try to recalibrate it so it at least shows close to what I had weighed that day...but I don't think it works. Right now, the 'zero' is at 12 pounds. Stupid. And I have no idea if the doctor's scale yesterday was off or not. I've never gone to a meeting other than my Weight Watchers At Work meetings, so I'd feel super awkward going to a different place.

Looks like I'll have to wait until next Wednesday to see my 'roid damage!

 

I know I should just invest in a new scale but a) I don't want to get into the habit of compulsively checking my weight five times a day, which I know would happen because it's happened before, and b) I'd like to be able to walk in to the store and buy whatever scale I want, but many of them only go up to 250 pounds. That still feels really far away (okay, it IS still really far away), and I don't want to explain to my girlfriend that I can't get a certain scale because it can't accommodate someone my size. I like to believe she has no idea I'm over 250 pounds, let alone was so recently over 300 pounds. Is that something other people can tell? I'm terrible at guessing other people's weight, and terrible at comparing my body to others'. Now I just assume I'm about twice the size of everyone else in the room, which is probably pretty accurate.

It seems funny that I'm so bad at visually weighing people, or comparing their bodies to mine, when I've been doing it for so long. I distinctly remember standing in line in the hallway as a kindergartner, and watching a chubby first grader at the drinking fountain. I was trying to figure out if I was as big as her, or how much bigger she was than me, and if other people saw me the same way that I saw her. Do all kids think about that shit? That's terrible. Geez. Or do just girls think about it? Maybe just girls with younger, thinner sisters. First born girls with a competitive zeal and major insecurities. Maybe just me? I hate to think of kindergartners today sizing themselves up...but I imagine that a lot has changed in the quarter of a century since I was a kindergartner, and I bet it's even worse now. Man, that's a depressing thought.

Almost as depressing as being sick for a full week, and realizing I'm possibly going to miss my weigh in tomorrow! Oh well...I had an awesome dinner of low-fat homemade tiropita, Greek potatoes, and some mini apple pies for dessert (just a single sheet of phyllo dough, which I'd counted with my tiropita, cut into tiny squares, tucked into mini muffin tins, filled with applesauce, topped with stevia and cinnamon, spritzed with spray butter, and baked...SO GOOD). And I finally have some good cough suppressant. Time to watch Miracle on 34th Street and get excited to start my Simply Filling week tomorrow!

Simply Filling?

In an effort to avoid my predicted prednisone weight gain, I'm thinking of switching to the Simply Filling plan on Wednesday. That's my next weigh-in and it'll give me a chance to ask my leaders a few questions first. Like: Do veggies still count as Power Foods if I cook them with the suggested daily two teaspoons of olive oil? The books say that anything cooked with non-Power Foods must be detracted from my weekly points. And does the 360 plan still include the Simply Filling option? I assume so, but I haven't taken the time to check yet. If I make a sandwich with Power Foods and non-Power Foods, is nothing in the sandwich a Power Food? So many questions! 

I'm trying to plan ahead so I can make it through a week of Simply Filling without going crazy/being a jerk to everyone/locking myself in a cabinet and devouring chocolate chips and frosting and sugar until I explode.

I already plan my meals a week in advance. I'm signed up for an organic food delivery service, so I know on Thursday what fruits and veggies are being delivered the following Friday. When I get my email on Thursday, I start building my meals and exchanging the items in the bin with other seasonal produce.

I make a (short) list of the other groceries we need, and then everything's mapped out for the following two weeks. Since I'm in charge of the cooking, we're both vegetarians, and I'm able to figure out the point values of the meals a full week in advance, planning ahead isn't a problem for me.

The issue is that I am constantly fighting my inner cheesetarian. I love cheese. Like, I LOVE it. If I could eat cheese for every meal, every day, I totally would. Cheddar, Colby, Blue, Mozzarella, Gouda, Brie, Gorgonzola, Provolone...any type of cheese.

Wait, that's not true. I do NOT like fat free cheese. I loathe soy cheese. I detest low-fat string cheese. So apparently I only like the most fattening cheese I can find. I knew this already. I think the 25+ pounds I've lost so far have all been attributed to cheese. I went from eating easily a cup of cheese a day (Recipe calls for a half cup? Hmm, two bulging fists full ought to do it!) to actually measuring out reasonable portions. UGH. I had totally forgotten what 1/4 cup of shredded cheddar looks like. It looks like what I used to eat while I was cooking the real meal. So depressing. And which cheeses are Power Foods? Yep...fat free cheeses. Despicable. I hate how they melt, I hate how they feel, and I hate how they taste. But if I want to eat anything delicious, I'm going to have to learn to enjoy fat free dairy products because otherwise, every recipe I make will count against my weekly points. UGH AGAIN.

So far I'm planning to make baked potatoes with spray butter, corn with spray butter, and a salad on Wednesday. Thursday will be soup (I chop up the leftover veggies from the delivery service, mix in a box of their organic vegetable broth, and then immersion-blend the hell out of it with a bunch of spices--it helps free the fridge before the Friday delivery). I may attempt some homemade bread if I feel better by then and this bronchitis isn't making me cough all over everything. Friday will be some kind of Italian-style tomato and broccoli bake with fat free mozzarella (UGH) and maybe some awesome cauliflower poppers (I only use two tablespoons of olive oil instead of 1/4 cup, and I prefer to call them "cauliflower bites" because "poppers" just makes me want to sink my teeth into a cheesy fried jalapeno popper...yum). Saturday will be tofu bacon and avocado sandwiches with potato wedges (I know avocados aren't a Power Food, but we need to use them and they're so delicious), Sunday will be ratatouille (again with the fat free mozzarella), Monday will be...well, I think I need to figure out a little more about the Simply Filling plan before I decide on any other recipes. I might be out of points by Monday. Who knows?

I just really hope this prednisone doesn't mess with me too much. I'd hate to have such a setback right before the holidays. It's going to take a lot of willpower to get through Christmas (I might love candy as much as I love cheese--it's a close call) and I want to be in a good place leading into it.

Great, now I'm stressed out and I really want a jalapeno popper. That means it's definitely time for bed!

Uh Oh...Steroids

A little bummed today. I finally went to the doctor today after a week of being sick. On a positive note, their scale registered 274.5 pounds, so either the doctor's scale is really generous and doesn't match the Weight Watchers scale, or I've managed to lose weight despite all of the mucus in my body right now. (That was gross. I'm sorry. But seriously, SO MUCH mucus. Ew.)

The bummer is that I was prescribed prednisone to treat a nasty case of bronchitis which, of course, started last Tuesday as a terrible sinus infection. I got a steroid shot today, and then picked up the 12 day prescription at the pharmacy. I'll be taking 40mg for the next three days, 30mg the next three days, and so on. I've been on prednisone quite a few times (there's my weird luck...or bad luck...) and one thing I know is that it always causes weight gain for me. That could be due to all of the usual subsequent variables--reduced activity from being sick and immobile, increased appetite from the medicine, water retention as a result of the leached potassium--but are these all things that I can control by sticking with the Weight Watchers plan? We'll see. I'm nervous. And, as I said, a little bummed. I feel better bronchitis-wise already, but I still have 11 days of steroids and a Weight Watchers meeting coming up on Wednesday.

Speaking of which, I'm still a little nervous about this new 360 plan they're supposedly telling us about on Wednesday. I knew Weight Watchers was making a big announcement, but after the meeting two weeks ago, I just thought that new activity tracker thingy was it. Not sure how I'm going to fare with the combination of a revised plan and steroid therapy. This should be an interesting couple of weeks. And then...CHRISTMAS. Yikes.

I think I'll use my last four points for some Wild Turkey now...I just freaked myself out even more. Oy.