That's a milestone I never wanted to hit. I didn't even know until I was in the hospital earlier this year--they printed the weight that registered on the hospital bed (307 pounds) and I vowed then to lose weight immediately.
I didn't.
Instead, I began slowly transitioning my wardrobe from 2x to 3x. I stayed far away from any scales. I avoided going to the doctor because I knew they'd weigh me. I wore stretch pants and forgot about owning any pants with buttons.
But then I reached that size.
The size where I couldn't go to the amusement park and actually play with my nephew because, for the first time in my life, I couldn't squeeze the safety bars down far enough to click. I only avoided the park ride walk of shame thanks to some very helpful and equally embarrassed ride workers who would use their full force to lock me in. That's such an awful feeling. I've always been conscious of my weight at amusement parks. Always checking out the line to see if anyone ahead of me was my size or bigger, praying that I fit, pretending to enjoy rides when the bar is pinching my fat so badly that I had bruises for weeks. But having my fears realized and having to actually avoid rides for fear of not fitting--what was hurtful, embarassing, and sad because I'd love to take my seven year old nephew on every ride he's brave enough to try. I'd lost touch with how big I really was...or am. I started feeling like the fat lady in a cruel Victorian circus sideshow. I stopped fitting into my life.Oh yeah, and airplanes. I rode from Puerto Rico to my home state with a cardigan over my lap to hide the fact that my seat belt wasn't buckled. I didn't go to the bathroom the entire time because I didn't want anyone to notice. Worst plane ride of my life. I was terrified the whole way and I couldn't move because I was clutching the belt in my lap. Of course, being uncomfortable on plane rides is nothing new.
I don't even know how I got to over 300 pounds. Less than 10 years ago, I had smirked when my friend weighed herself at my apartment and the needle flew right up to 300 and then a little past. She figured that she weighed 300 pounds, but I knew the scale couldn't go up high enough to tell her an accurate weight. I privately gloated over that for weeks--sure, I was fat, but I wasn't that fat. I was never happy with my weight, but at 230 pounds at the time, I was still confident and I could almost always find someone in the room who was my size. Not anymore. I don't even remember how my body ballooned from 230 pounds to over 300. I was sick several years ago, had some complications, and ended up in the hospital for a few months. I had open heart surgery immediately followed by a case of mono and became totally sedentary for around six months. I also avoided doctors while I was recovering (Not smart. Duh.). So when my clothes stopped fitting, I joined Weight Watchers at work a year or so after my heart surgery. I was stunned to find that I was 280 pounds. I freaked out. I don't remember 240-250-260-270. I lost 20 pounds in two months with Weight Watchers, got bored, and gave up. For a couple years, I just pretended that my weight was probably the same. I stopped looking in the mirror, stopped being intimate with my girlfriend, stopped caring I guess.
Once I realized I was close to or over 300 pounds, I got scared. I was scared for me, scared to die early, scared to never see my dreams realized. I always wanted to write a novel (I still do), but I've always known the story would be loosely auto-biographical. How could I write about myself without writing about my weight? Not possible, since my weight and my body consume my brain most of the time. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in having difficulties writing about any part of my life until after it's over. Sure, I can write a great poem or short story about a relationship in my life, but not until we break up and I get a chance to reflect. I want to write about my life, and I really think it'll happen one day, but I won't be comfortable writing about my weight until I'm looking at this body in my rear view mirror. I'm staying strong, sticking to the Weight Watchers plan, and hoping that day comes sooner rather than later.
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