GAIN!

GGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m SO MAD to find that I gained this week! Only .2 pounds, but still. After this week of pure torture, I really thought I had to have lost, like, five pounds. No such luck. 

 

To be fair, .2 is not that bad. And I’ve been on steroids for over a week, so .2 pounds on steroids is especially not bad. But it’s hard to know that all of my deprivation this week was for naught. This does help reinforce what I suspected though: regular Weight Watchers just works for me. Not Simply Filling, but the regular Weight Watchers. I need to have the freedom to choose what I want to eat, and the limits in place with the Points to make sure I don’t eat too much. I need daily Points and weekly Points so I don’t feel like I’m starving every day. It’s been working well, and I can’t argue with success.

 

I’m ready to start this Weight Watchers week with a new appreciation for the Points I get to use each day. I’ve already gone a little overboard this morning (brunch pitch-in was a terrible idea) but I’m more or less on track for the rest of the day. And I finally feel like I can eat what I want again, so I’m less full of rage! Not totally thrilled since I netted a gain this week, but less rage-y. Less rage is always good.

Hangry

I'm rounding out my Simply Filling week with negative eight Points...actually not as bad as I'd feared. I was okay until this evening--I made pineapple upside down cake for a work pitch-in and convinced myself that I had to sample it. The mini muffin versions were only one Point each but, um, I had four of them. That blew me over my 49 Points for the week. Once I crossed that line, it didn't seem so bad to have a cup of the cold, frothy grape juice in the fridge. Turns out that a cup is four freakin Points. Oh well! It was kind of worth it.

Especially after a week of such deprivation. I don't think I've thought this much about food since, like, the State Fair. Mmm, I love the State Fair. I basically just take a shuttle around and eat for eight hours straight. Not this year, though--it was my first month on Weight Watchers, so watch my weight I did. (I acknowledge that was a terrible pun.) This year, I broke it into two days, ate a filling and healthy supper before going, and tasted (but didn't finish) each dish I couldn't live without. I stayed within my Points for the week and still lost weight at the next weigh in. Score!

That's what I hate about the Simply Filling version of Weight Watchers. If I had been on Simply Filling during the State Fair, I would have blown my Points in one day and then stuck to Power Foods exclusively for the rest of the week. That's just not sustainable for my life. Maybe it's easier for carnivores, since there are plenty of meaty options that count as Power Foods. I get, what? Tofu, beans, and vegetarian patties. I can't stand vegetarian patties. I LOVE black bean burgers, but they're three Points. Seriously! I understand them being three Points on the regular Weight Watchers plan, but I 100% think they should count as a Power Food. If I could have eaten black bean burgers for zero Points this week, I probably could have lived through it without quite so much bitching. Some bitching, yes. But less. And I wish I could have eaten low fat cheese instead of fat free. And wheat bread instead of reduced-calorie bread. Sorry, done complaining again. It's just been SUCH A LONG WEEK. With SO MUCH HUNGER. And anger. And hanger. I hate being hangry. I'm miserable to be around, I'm snappy and grumpy, and I want to smack myself. I'm pretty surprised I didn't get smacked by anyone this week.

We'll see if it was all worth the effort tomorrow when I weigh in. The pitch-in at work is a brunch so it's right before we weigh in--poor planning on my part. Whoops! But  seriously, if I gained this week, I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. So few Points, so much effort! I can't wait to get back on the Weight Watchers I know and love, and put this Simply Filling shit behind me.

Oh, and I'll be off the steroids in just a few days also. And my, er, womanly cycle. So I'll hopefully be back to my normal (albeit hungry) self again shortly. More awesome, less hangry.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow!

Weight Watchers at Work

Still struggling through my final Simply Filling day. Still starving. 

 

One of my coworkers is also doing Simply Filling and I tried asking her how she’s been able to handle it. It turns out that she just doesn’t track anything—she estimates and tries to only eat Power Foods. Well, if I tried to estimate my Points without tracking and measuring, I could easily eat enough for a football team and still pretend like I had 49 Points left for the week. Not that she's cheating herself--I just know myself enough to know that I would absolutely, positively cheat. I'm in no way responsible enough to eat right now without measuring, tracking, and monitoring. I can't be trusted. My brain is too absorbed with food. Which is probably why she is happily chewing a caramel while I’m choking down my burnt 94% fat free popcorn and trying in vain not to think about cheese. 

 

At midnight tonight, I’m officially done with Simply Filling and back to my normal Weight Watchers. Thank goodness! A few more days like this and I would have stabbed someone. 

 

It’s really nice having my coworkers in Weight Watchers with me for the added support, but there are also a few extra challenges. For starters, none of them were really that big to begin with. These are girls who weigh 170 and who are trying to get to 150. I started at 304 pounds and I could still accidentally kill them if I sat on them. They actually joined Weight Watchers before me this time—it’s offered free at work, and we have other incentives (like gift cards) for participating. When they started losing weight after a few weeks, I joined and I haven’t looked back. I love having them here with great healthy snack ideas, Points-friendly contributions for pitch-ins, and for the little extra bit of shame I feel eating bad food in front of them. But, like my girlfriend, they don’t really get it. They’re not fat. They’ve never been fat. They’re fit and getting fitter…I’m fat and getting…well, somewhere. Maybe a little fitter? Sometimes I wish I was in meetings full of people my size, people who know what it’s like to endure the faces of other passengers on planes and busses when you can see them praying you don’t sit down beside them. People who know how it feels to sit through an entire meeting poised uncomfortably on the edge of a chair because you don’t know if it’ll hold you up when you put your whole weight on it. People who have walked into a store and not been able to fit into anything. People who know what it means to have SOCKS that are too tight. Who haven't been able to zipline because no ziplines are safe past 300 pounds. Who love to canoe but can't because the canoe will sit on the rocks. Who pick out glasses based on how much face fat bulges along the sides. Who can only fit one butt cheek into a folding chair at a concert. Who panic when sitting on the floor because there’s not a wall or table nearby to pull themselves up. Who have given up on belts. Who can’t wear jeans. Who cut tags out of shirts so no one will see the size. People like me.


I have a single pair of jeans, and they’re size 26. I haven’t even tried them on in months (although, after losing 30 pounds, they might be more comfortable). When I bought them, I was so ashamed of the size that I was gripped with terror at the thought of my girlfriend seeing the tag. I tore the paper tag up and soaked it in water until it dissolved and I could wash it down the drain. I cut out the fabric tag and snipped it into microscopic pieces, which I then folded into tissue paper, piece by piece, and flushed down the toilet, one at a time. And those were stretchy jeans! When I tried to find some denim shorts for a costume earlier this year, I had gone to the thrift store to find some men’s pants to cut up. I finally found the biggest pants there (size 50 in men’s) and brought them home. I haven’t put on anything that doesn’t stretch in years, so I was completely unprepared for that horrible feeling of pulling up the jeans and not being able to fasten them. Size 50 jeans and I couldn’t wear them. I ended up wearing a dress instead (as usual) and was depressed for weeks. The girls at work could use those pants as a tent, and I couldn’t even stuff my stomach into them. Ugh. 

So when they celebrate milestones like 10% weight loss, it’s after losing 15 pounds…not 30. I’m happy for their support and I’m glad they’re eating right, but I do wish there were more people like me around. Oh well…if I keep working hard at losing weight and working the Plan, hopefully I’ll be like them soon instead!

Thinking About Food

Man, I'm really trying to keep my mind off of food today. I have seven points to get me through Monday and Tuesday, and I've been unintentionally torturing myself all day by watching Christmas movies. All of the cookies and cakes, the baking and decorating, the big meals and steaming bread. Eggnog and hot chocolate and buttery rolls and nutty cheese balls. Mmm. This Simply Filling week is at least making me recognize when I'm missing out on.

In place of the foods I drooled over on screen, I made a big batch of tofu bacon (mostly a Power Food--the bit of maple syrup I add is less than one point) and some cauliflower. I also spent some time organizing the kitchen. I've been spending a lot of time in there cooking, and it makes it so much easier to cook a complex, healthy meal from scratch when the kitchen is tidy enough for me to find everything.

I put my tofu bacon on reduced calorie bread with fat free mayo and fat free bread, and loaded it up with tomato slices. It was actually better than I thought it would be. But I wanted to make something a little more appealing for my girlfriend, so I made some quick pizza dough and baked her a big, cheesy tofu bacon calzone. I stuffed it with three cheeses, brushed it with olive oil, and finished it at the end with some garlic butter on top. It's like I'm living vicariously through the food I make her--plus, I have to work hard to make sure she doesn't lose so much weight that I give up again. If I can't brush my food with butter now, someone should be able to. Yes, I used to brush my food with butter. Not always, but it does make baked stuff twice as delicious. My family cooks like Paula Deen (and I have been to the Paula Deen buffet and waddled out with a purse stuffed full of bread and desserts--it is truly a magical experience). That's the last place in the world I would want to go today with only seven points left! I would probably have a stroke.

Anyway, my girlfriend needs the extra butter so she doesn't waste away.

See, she's one of those natural thin people. I don't understand people like her. If there's a candy bar in the house, it amazes me that she doesn't even think about it. If there's candy in the house, I am pretty much thinking about it until it's gone. She doesn't eat dessert--I don't consider a meal complete until I have something sweet in my mouth. She eats until she's full and then stops--I have never been able to naturally do that. So she doesn't get my weight loss experience, not really. She's incredibly supportive and helpful and amazing, but she doesn't get it.

The hard part about being the one to cook all of our meals is that she eats what I eat. When I start a diet or my meals take a healthier turn, she starts dropping weight like crazy. It's like those weight loss pill commercials--I try and try and try to lose a pound, and she starts shedding fat like a candle melting. She's on medication that boosts her metabolism even more, and she's much more active than I am. It's all extremely discouraging. When I lost a little weight before, I got so impatient that she was losing faster than I was that I totally gave up after a one week setback. I'm not blaming her. I'm just saying: when I change how I eat, she's the one who reaps the benefits first. Being so much smaller anyway, it's obvious when she's dropped five pounds, while I'm having trouble seeing that I lost 30.

So aside from the vicarious pleasure it gives me to bake her up flavorful, cheesy, buttery recipes, it also helps make sure that she's eating more wholesome food without going on a starvation diet. I wonder how other people do it. I can't imagine raising kids and having to choke down fat free cheese on diet bread while they scoop up macaroni and cheese with, like, french fries and milkshakes. I don't know. Whatever kids eat. I just know that my girlfriend's calzone looked a hell of a lot better than my sandwich, but if I can make it until Wednesday on Simply Filling, I'll be extremely proud of myself.

Sometimes testing your own willpower can be useful.

Hunger Pangs

I AM SO HUNGRY.

I'm down to 22 points for the week because I can't stop snacking. Seriously, last night I ended up scraping up all of the leftover Bananas Foster I made for my girlfriend and eating it like a creep in the dark (which I counted as two Points, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was more). I snuck a few broken Baked Ruffles and wasn't going to count them until the guilt caught up with me and I counted them as a Point. Then I ate three cups of popcorn at, like, 4am because my stomach was keeping me up. Then I wanted something sweet so I squeezed a big dollop of whipped cream on my finger and ate it--I only counted it as one tablespoon so I wouldn't have to count a Point, but now that the secret's out, I'm going to admit it was more like two tablespoons, which means I'm now down to 21 points. F*CK. I finally knocked myself out with some ZzzQuil and slept until 10am, at which point I woke up even more ravenous. I made us breakfast sandwiches with light English muffins, eggs, and American cheese (two more points), then chugged a glass of skim milk, gobbled down a cup of grapes, popped a few salted cherry tomatoes, and I STILL feel like I'm dying.

 

Seriously, I just want to stuff my face. I want to cram food into my mouth until I can barely swallow, and I want to wash it down with a milkshake and a Pepsi. I can't even imagine how many Points I could attack right now!

 

Simply Filling is NOT working for me at the moment. My girlfriend is at the store right now trying to find me reduced calorie bread (since my delicious bread from yesterday apparently isn't a Power Food), sugar free Jell-O (I have a weird Splenda sensitivity, so she has to hunt down aspartame desserts...great, more chemicals), fat free mayo (we only had low fat, but I need something to mix with my hard boiled eggs to make a Power Food-only egg salad sandwich), and fat free dressing.

Not, mind you, just any fat free dressing. Nope, when I tried to look up fat free dressing on the Weight Watchers app, it showed that only fat free vinaigrette is a Power Food. Guess whose grocery store doesn't have ANY fat free vinaigrette? We have fat free Italian, fat free Catalina, all kinds of fat free dressings. No vinaigrette. She's getting the fat free Italian because it's showing up as zero Points, even though it's not counted as a Power Food. Well, it's zero Points for one tablespoon, 1 Point for two. Fat free vinaigrette...still zero. How crazy is that? The Weight Watchers tracker (which I use most often) says only fat free vinaigrette is a Power Food, but the Weight Watchers Power Food website says any fat free dressing and fat free mayo is a Power Food, while the Weight Watchers Power Food PDF doesn't list either fat free dressing OR fat free mayo in the Power Food list, and neither the old or the new 360 pocket guides list fat free dressing/mayo as Power Foods. Again, this Simply Filling shit is CONFUSING.

With all of these fat free goods, the entire grocery trip is like a shopping spree at the chemical plant. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to count all of the 'natural' ingredients on one hand. I hate loading my body with this many chemicals trying to stay on the Simply Filling plan. Of course, I'm eating plenty of fruits and veggies (begrudgingly), but I don't have that "yay, I'm actually filling my body with delicious whole foods loaded with nutrients!" feeling that I've had the past few months. Now I feel like I'm embalming myself.

Still, I AM planning to stick with it until my meeting. I may be hungry now, but I'm willing to stay with it, if only because I still have more than a week left of my steroid/prednisone treatment to clear up this bronchitis. I don't want to go off Simply Filling and find that I've gained 10 pounds back because of the steroids. (If that happens, will they make me give back the Weight Watchers 10% keyring and 25 pound token I got last week?...I know in my head that they won't, but seeing the keyring/token if I gain back weight is really going to piss me off.)

This starvation better pass soon. It's not fair to completely blame Weight Watchers Simply Filling because there are other factors at play here--the steroids may finally be increasing my appetite as I'd feared, the cold weather is making me feel like hibernating, being at home instead of at work puts all kinds of food options in front of me even though many of them are healthy enough on the regular Weight Watchers tracking, and I think my *ahem* time of the month may be approaching because I keep fantasizing about rivers of chocolate and Snicker bar rafts.

I think I'll try to scrounge up some fruit and whip up a Power Food smoothie before working on some zucchini chips, garbanzo nuts, cauliflower bites (I'll lighten them up and count it as my oil), and some egg salad to get me through this weekend.

If my starvation is from the steriods, I'm going to have to deal with it for another week. Until then, I need to make good choices and keep the damned whipped cream can out of my hands. No, I don't want to get rid of it because whipped cream is one splurge I love to add to my desserts and because it makes me happy. However, I'll try to wait until this Simply Filling torture test if over since I can't spare the Points.

I need this on my fridge as a reminder:

Forget about weekend drinks or Christmas candy...I just want to make it through this weekend without having a Hulk attack, ripping the doors of the pantry and fridge, and stuffing all of the food down my throat with both hands. Back to the kitchen to try to make something that's a Power Food but that actually has real food in it, instead of unpronouncable chemicals and potentially toxic-sounding substitutions for nutrients...maybe then I'll stop being so whiny. I'm getting on my own nerves.

Simply Filling?

In an effort to avoid my predicted prednisone weight gain, I'm thinking of switching to the Simply Filling plan on Wednesday. That's my next weigh-in and it'll give me a chance to ask my leaders a few questions first. Like: Do veggies still count as Power Foods if I cook them with the suggested daily two teaspoons of olive oil? The books say that anything cooked with non-Power Foods must be detracted from my weekly points. And does the 360 plan still include the Simply Filling option? I assume so, but I haven't taken the time to check yet. If I make a sandwich with Power Foods and non-Power Foods, is nothing in the sandwich a Power Food? So many questions! 

I'm trying to plan ahead so I can make it through a week of Simply Filling without going crazy/being a jerk to everyone/locking myself in a cabinet and devouring chocolate chips and frosting and sugar until I explode.

I already plan my meals a week in advance. I'm signed up for an organic food delivery service, so I know on Thursday what fruits and veggies are being delivered the following Friday. When I get my email on Thursday, I start building my meals and exchanging the items in the bin with other seasonal produce.

I make a (short) list of the other groceries we need, and then everything's mapped out for the following two weeks. Since I'm in charge of the cooking, we're both vegetarians, and I'm able to figure out the point values of the meals a full week in advance, planning ahead isn't a problem for me.

The issue is that I am constantly fighting my inner cheesetarian. I love cheese. Like, I LOVE it. If I could eat cheese for every meal, every day, I totally would. Cheddar, Colby, Blue, Mozzarella, Gouda, Brie, Gorgonzola, Provolone...any type of cheese.

Wait, that's not true. I do NOT like fat free cheese. I loathe soy cheese. I detest low-fat string cheese. So apparently I only like the most fattening cheese I can find. I knew this already. I think the 25+ pounds I've lost so far have all been attributed to cheese. I went from eating easily a cup of cheese a day (Recipe calls for a half cup? Hmm, two bulging fists full ought to do it!) to actually measuring out reasonable portions. UGH. I had totally forgotten what 1/4 cup of shredded cheddar looks like. It looks like what I used to eat while I was cooking the real meal. So depressing. And which cheeses are Power Foods? Yep...fat free cheeses. Despicable. I hate how they melt, I hate how they feel, and I hate how they taste. But if I want to eat anything delicious, I'm going to have to learn to enjoy fat free dairy products because otherwise, every recipe I make will count against my weekly points. UGH AGAIN.

So far I'm planning to make baked potatoes with spray butter, corn with spray butter, and a salad on Wednesday. Thursday will be soup (I chop up the leftover veggies from the delivery service, mix in a box of their organic vegetable broth, and then immersion-blend the hell out of it with a bunch of spices--it helps free the fridge before the Friday delivery). I may attempt some homemade bread if I feel better by then and this bronchitis isn't making me cough all over everything. Friday will be some kind of Italian-style tomato and broccoli bake with fat free mozzarella (UGH) and maybe some awesome cauliflower poppers (I only use two tablespoons of olive oil instead of 1/4 cup, and I prefer to call them "cauliflower bites" because "poppers" just makes me want to sink my teeth into a cheesy fried jalapeno popper...yum). Saturday will be tofu bacon and avocado sandwiches with potato wedges (I know avocados aren't a Power Food, but we need to use them and they're so delicious), Sunday will be ratatouille (again with the fat free mozzarella), Monday will be...well, I think I need to figure out a little more about the Simply Filling plan before I decide on any other recipes. I might be out of points by Monday. Who knows?

I just really hope this prednisone doesn't mess with me too much. I'd hate to have such a setback right before the holidays. It's going to take a lot of willpower to get through Christmas (I might love candy as much as I love cheese--it's a close call) and I want to be in a good place leading into it.

Great, now I'm stressed out and I really want a jalapeno popper. That means it's definitely time for bed!